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193,399 I am a teacher and my school's administration is going all in on this anti-gun 'student-led' protest coming up.  THEY ARE CHILDREN.  Their innocence is not currency when it comes to public policy.  The 2nd Amendment is grounded in the natural right of every living creature to defend oneself.  I HATE the call for sensible gun laws.  How many laws are broken every time we have a mass shooting?  What laws, short of confiscation, would have prevented it?

Ah, that's the point.  The end game IS confiscation.  At least my Democrat pussy hat wearing wife says it is.  At least she's honest.

- M 45, not a gun owner, joined NRA last night


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193,398 I'm not losing weight, because every time I go to the gym, and burn more than 300 calories, I reward myself with a Frappuccino, chicken tenders, or a night of weed and the munchies. I’m never going to be 140 again.


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193,396 I have a friend. Whenever I try to have a serious conversation with her about world events, I'll give an opinion and she'll say, "No, your wrong. This is what's happening..."

Why is my opinion always wrong and hers is always right? Shesh. She's my friend but really, shut the fuck up already.


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193,395 I once read the wrong book for book group. They've never let me forget. Everytime we get together, someone always makes a snide comment, asking what book I read. Ha ha so funny. Not. People, time to let it go.


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193,394 Hmmm.

Five years ago 26 first grade students were shot in Newtown , CT. It was horrific. The gunman stood there and shot them one by one.

The country said oh, that's bad, It shouldn't have happened.

Last week 17 high school students were shot in Parkland, FL. The country is outraged. There are demonstrations and angry confrontations with politicians. Message, THIS HAS TO STOP NOW!

I'm confused. It didn't have to stop when the 1st graders were shot? Only now when the high schoolers were shot? Why did the 1st graders not matter as much as the high schoolers?

I looked up both towns on Wikipedia.  

Average income in Newtown: $90,000
Average income in Parkland: $277,000

17 high schoolers weren't shot.  17 very wealthy high schoolers were shot. There's the difference. We don't mind very much if poor kids get shot, only when it happens to rich kids.



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193,393 Sadly...I think most of the students “affected” by the shootings recently are only interested in protesting, or talking out about their experience (even students who weren’t at school that day!) because they’re just happy not to have class. Students will do anything not to have to actually go to school. I bet some of them don’t actually even care what happened..


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193,392 Some AA meetings are so fucking boring. If I was drunk it'd be fun.


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193,391 I just have no interest in the Olympics at all. I know they train and work hard to get to that level, however they just seem like spoiled children to me.


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193,390 I read something interesting in Glamour magazine many years ago. It said if you want to know if you have bad breath, lick the back of your hand. Wait 30 seconds. Then smell the back of your hand. I tend to do this several times a day.


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193,389 Today at lunch I was going to order a turkey sandwich with russian dressing, but then at the last second I change over to mayo. I didn't want to get investigated by Mueller.


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193,388 When I was little, I'd say about 10 years old, my father was redecorating the first  floor bathroom. There was another bathroom on the second floor so in theory we had a place to go. I came home from school one afternoon and had to go really badly. The first floor wasn't an option and someone was in the second floor bathroom. Arrrrr! My 10 year old brain figured out a solution.... Luckily my dad had left a new toilet on the porch while he was ripping out the old toilet. So.....

A few hours later when he went to move the new toilet into place, he discovered a surprise inside. He was so mad. He grilled everyone in the house to see who did it. He never did figure out it was me. To this day I'm kind of ashamed, but I also think it's kind of funny.


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193,387 Suggestion #1: Don't marry a woman who doesn't genuinely like oral sex, giving and receiving.

Suggestion #2: Don't get married at all.

It is said that the best blowjobs are given by divorced women looking for their next husband.  Three guesses what your wife will be doing after the divorce!!

.


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193,386 Her: Honey, can you buy me a new car?
Me: Okay.

Her: Honey, can you take me away to a Caribbean resort?
Me: Okay.

Her: Honey, can I join this new tennis club?
Me: Okay.

*********************

Me: Honey, can I cum in your mouth?
Her: Gross. No!


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193,385 I try to always be nice to people. But lordy, it's getting harder and harder. I think people are meaner than they were 10 years ago.


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193,384 Lindsey Vonn gets the bronze medal and cries. What ever happened to the idea of congratulating the winner? What happened to good sportsmanship? No, Lindsey only feels sorry for herself. It reflects badly on America.


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193,383 I see students across the country organizing protests and walking out of school. I don't mean to be insensitive, but let's be real, most of them are using this opportunity to skip out of class.


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193,382 I drive my trash to the dump every week, instead of having the garbage men pick it up,  because it saves me $3. This is how desperate I am for cash.


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193,381 If everyone on the motorway is going at 70mph and you are doggedly sticking to the speed limit of 55, then you are a road danger.  Why can't people see that?  Maybe they should have driving lessons for everyone before they take to the streets.  Riding with traffic is not speeding, but impeding traffic because of your own anal-retentiveness is just plain dangerous.  People who do not drive with traffic cause accidents; sometimes people die in accidents.  

AND GET OFF THAT EFFING PHONE!!!


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193,379 When I'm doing laundry I check my husband's boxers to see if there are poop stains. If so I wash them with the dog towels.


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193,378 I'm very troubled by the idea that my daughter will grow up and one day have sex. I wish she could stay small and innocent forever.


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193,377 This sounds kind of crazy and I'll be the first to say it is kind of crazy. But I'm not so sure we understand everything about the universe and science.

When I was a kid growing up in New Jersey, I was about 12, and I was having dinner one night with my Mom. I don't think my Dad was home from work yet. Our kitchen table was in this little glass alcove that stuck off the back of the house. There was a big thunderstorm going on outside and we could see it all. Dark clouds were swirling about and there were plenty of lightning flashes.

All of a sudden, BAM. Lightning flashed just outside the kitchen window. The flash and the sound were simultaneous, telling me the lightning hit just feet away from us.  We were inside and the lightning was outside, so we were safe. But it was scary to be so close.

After a minute, we turned our attention back to our dinner, but it was the weirdest thing. Our forks were gone. We had been eating macaroni and cheese.  We had already eaten some of the meal, so obviously we had forks at some point. But after the lightning flash they had disappeared. It was the strangest thing. Neither of us had gotten up from the table. No one else had come into the room and removed the forks. But they were gone. Never to be seen again.

To this day I have no explanation as to what happened. But I do think there is more to the universe than we realize.


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193,376 374 Please dont end your life. Trust when I tell you I have been there so many times, and so many times I am thankful that I did not. Bullshit clouds our judgement and makes it seem like there is no other way..but there is. So much hate and heartbreak in this world already..your children fucking NEED you.


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193,375 I have this friend that I visit from time to time - really, she always comes to see me since she lives in another part of the state.   We were lovers for a brief period, but that just didn’t work out like we’d hoped, yet we’ve maintained a close bond.    Soul twins is how she refers to our connection. I believe this to be valid.

She’s a few years older than me and for a woman in her mid fifties, she’s absolutely stunning.  Most people guess her age somewhere in her 40’s.
Since we’ve been together and done as an intimate couple , she’s had a few lovers.   I just have the one now to whom I’m obsequious , at least in most aspects of life. This one that I’m now with, is the “one”, unlike others whom I thought staked that claim.   Yet, my friend fulfills another part of my life that even my lover cannot touch.
It’s unconventional, at best.  Few, save for the most progressive minded would understand such a relationship.  Not even the one I love can fully comprehend the kind of friendship I have with this beautiful person. There’s this connection that is ethereal in its quality, deep in understanding and thoroughly complex. At times, she’s a right pain in my ass.  And I love her with a love that is unique to her and nobody else, just as I know love for my sweetheart.  For my children et al.

At random intervals, she drops in for lunch, tea and conversation.  We discuss philosophy, psychology and many other topics that I rarely discuss elsewhere.  There’s even a level of candor that surpasses any and all I’ve ever known before and even though she thinks she offends me at times, that’s never really happened.  

I happened to be at my house, where I spend a few nights a month and am reluctant to give it up just yet,(even lovers need to spend time apart) so she dropped in for breakfast so we could visit and discuss her latest adventures in world travel.  Then, she asked me to massage her shoulder.  I told her to sit in front of me.  I start rubbing, then she takes her shirt off.  Eventually, I tell her that she might as well remove her bra.  She does.  

Obviously, sitting on the couch and giving a shoulder massage gets uncomfortable, so I suggest we go to my bed where she can lay out flat.  She’s wearing nothing but her panties, face down on my bed and I continue to massage just about every inch of her body.   It was fantastic to share this time with her.  I rub her back, her neck , shoulders, ass and legs.  Then I have her lie on her back so I can caress her front as well.  

We’re talking the whole time and while this is going on, there’s no weird sexual tension or otherwise. Eventually, she offers to massage me. So I lie face down on my bed, nude and she returns the favor.  Back and front.  Even though I’m trying to not focus on the sensuality of it all, I can’t help it.  My body responds, as would anybody’s.

Finally, we’re both done with the massages and we crawl under the covers in my bed. Just talking and nestling together as comfortable as can be.  I turned to her and remarked how this might look like something other than what it was.  Two adults, naked in bed together. Just friends who happen to be closer than most.  
Mind you, I’ve not had sex with her in over 8 months, and now I’m wishing I’d not ( at least only briefly) promised myself to another.  I tell my friend how I’d love to make love to her, yet I can’t. It would break the trust that my lover and I have. She tells me that was a sweet thing to say and smiles.  

As we’re lying in bed together, talking, she gets a phone call from some guy that she’s planning to see later that day and into the evening. After they finish talking, I asked her if she was planning to sleep with him after their date.  She responded by saying she wasn’t sure.  But I could sense there was a possibility of it.  

I then offered to “trim up the jungle” for her if she might be getting naked later that evening. So I go to the bathroom, grab a towel and my clippers and go to town on her thick Irish bush.  I turned it into a real work of art.  Here’s my friend, naked on my bed , legs spread wide open and me, gingerly trimming hairs from her pussy.   Really, it was quite a delight to have the honor.  I could also tell that it was really turning her on , as it was doing the same for me.  All the while, I asked her, “what are friends for??”  

After I was done, I cleaned her up and told her she’d best be gone before I gave in to my urges and did something I’d later regret.  She got dressed and we hugged goodbye.  She then asked me to kiss her.  So we kissed passionately for a few minutes and then she left.

I know it’s kind of a long story, but I just felt the need to share on the Cave.
My secret: no I didn’t tell my girlfriend and yes it’s deceptive to keep a secret like this, but a little part of me relishes having a friend like this.  So long as it doesn’t go any further.  Please, gentle reader , flame on!




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193,374 I have 2 kids, a cat, and im going to kill myself tonight.


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193,373 Wish I had cake right about now.


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193,371 Reasons I've decided to break up with you:

-you got wasted this weekend after I warned you not to and ended up trying to fight me, punched me in the face and pulled my hair, broke my favorite tweezers, and pissed in my bed. On my grandmothers quilt.
-you flirt with the guy you know I like
-you lie all the time
-you have embarrassed me in public too many times
-you often put me down to make yourself feel better
-you're low class and it;s rubbing off on me
-you're seriously immature and it's rubbing off on me
-you're a terrible alcoholic and it's rubbing off on me
-you're selfish and use me for money
-you have roaches in your house and you don't feed your cats and only eat hot cheetos and 4lokos.


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193,370 I've had a nightmare where I took my shotgun and blasted myself with it. Scared the shit out of me. Couldn't fall asleep.
In this dream It took a turn for the worst. I was driving in this rural area. A friend needed a lift home. I had my father's collection of guns in my trunk.
I shot my friend then went home shot my parents and finally took the last shot to myself.


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193,369 I totally believe in alternate realities. When something bugs you on a deep level, to the point where you can't get it out of your system? It's because it worked out in an alternate reality, and you feel the pain of knowing an alternate self is living out that reality right now.

I totally believe there's an alternate universe where one of my exes and I ended up together. We would have lived in Chicago and later Brooklyn. I would have always felt like he didn't love me enough, because he never would have, and he'd always have put the feelings back on me. I never reached my professional potential in that plane of existence, though. He would have stiffled me.

There's an alternate reality where I never left California. I went to a small-time private college and stayed close to my family. I probably had children young and married a laid-back California guy, and always wondered what it in my life that was missing.

And then there's the alternate reality where I got caught in the wrong place at the wrong time and ended up in jail. I hate to even think what that reality would be like.

I'm sure this isn't the most perfect reality I'm living in, but I think it's a pretty good one. I chose wisely, I guess.


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193,368 I have gender dysphoria or some hormonal rage. I guess it's more so a general sadness. I have several bi issues.
I'm bipolar, bisexual, bicurious and bilateral in my personality and perspectives. I tend to have extreme anxiety when I see my friend I'm in love with. She's bald, fat and really needy. I freeze up when I want to tell her how nice her head looks when bald. I love that about her. I'm stuck in between my anxious thoughts and begin to punch my head when ever I have to choose between  Michael or Michelle.  


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193,367 "I would rather die than live like this. I would rather die. I will kill myself before I do this another fucking week. Stop or die. This isn't living."
What I have to remind myself when I think "I kinda miss it."


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193,365 A recent study shows the state with the higher suicide rate  is..... Wyoming.

What? Wyoming is beautiful. You never hear about bad news in Wyoming. Why are people there so sad? This makes me sad.  People of Wyoming, please stop killing yourselves. You are lucky to live there!


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193,364 The Russian curling team was caught in a doping scandal?  For real? Why the hell would a curling team have to take performance enhancing drugs? It's not even an athletic event. They're all a bunch of fat people.


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193,363 Chiropractors are fake doctors. Save your money and do a few sit ups on your own everyday.


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193,362 Who needs porn? You want to see bare girly boobs and gay guys tonguing each other?  Just watch the Olympics.


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193,361 So many angry people in this world. I never understand why. I look around my town. Everyone has a few cars and a nice house. We have pleasant restaurants and good schools. There's the public pools (yes plural) and the movie theater and the golf course and everything. Yet people are so on edge. If I only drive the speed limit, they pull up behind me and angrily beep their horn. We have it so good yet everyone is so unhappy.


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193,360 The Baby Boomers are known to be an industrious post war generation. They basically built our modern society.

Next came Generation X. They served a good purpose. They introduced excitement. They gave us something to do on the weekends. Maybe we all don't go out skydiving, but because of the Gen X influence, I think people run and eat healthier and have a fun attitude. Thank you Gen X.

Then came Millennials. The secret is out. They are lazy and self centered. They are a lost cause mucking up the good deeds of the prior generations. I want to get mad at them, but they are just dumb. It would be like getting mad at a person with Downs Syndrome.

But something new is emerging here.  The next generation is appearing. Today's current high schoolers. They paint swastikas in the bathroom stalls. They call each other nigger. They lure classmates into the woods and stab them to death because they saw it in a movie. The bring guns to school and kill innocent people, just because. They fuck their teacher and then rat on the teacher. They are kids addicted to opioids. They are football players raping cheerleaders. They are nothing more than terrorists in J. Crew clothing.  I call them Generation Hate. They are the most vile barbaric hateful generation our country has ever known.

They will be the ones to end the world.


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193,359 Some people don't know how to have a conversation. They only know how to argue.


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193,357 I apologize to bugs before I kill them


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193,356 I have to laugh at one of my close friends. Her new picture on Facebook is her and her husband on a ski slope. It shows them from chest up. He's in the center of the picture facing forward. She's to his side, hugging him, looking like the dutiful wife. Her head is about 3 inches below his. They are both smiling. Oh the happy perfect couple!

The thing is, in real life she's 5' 8" and he's 5' 5". He's shorter than she is! But she must have made him stand on something so it looks like he's the typical tall husband.

People are so worried about appearances!


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193,355 Women have evolved in the last 10 years. They have adapted to the internet. When a man respectfully disagrees with a woman online, like in a facebook forum, the woman can't let it go. She can't have someone disagreeing with her. So she needles the guy. She makes digs. The guy wasn't being mean. He wasn't taunting her. He just gave a different opinion than hers. But the woman goes on the attack.

And finally, when the man has endured her insults for long enough, and says something in return, like "Please stop. We are trying to have an adult conversation here, " well out comes the sisterhood. The friends of the aggrieved woman come to her aid. How dare a man say anything! They go on the attack, talking about about the man's looks, the small size of his dick. They call him a peeping tom and a pervert. "I heard he beats his wife." "His poor children."All because he was asking her to stop with the insults.

Women, you are assholes. You are the bullies of the modern world. You want to appear like innocent little soccer moms, but you're really fucking classless animals. Ever wonder why there isn't equality? Why women don't make it in the world of business? Because you suck as people. No one wants to work with you.

Everyone knows I speak the truth on this. You can pretend I'm a misogynist for saying all this. But deep down, women are cunts and you know it.


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193,354 "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

I'm pretty sure this is what you just said to me, only using different words.


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193,353 Now the  media is criticizing the President for not crying and going into mourning for weeks because of the school shooting in Florida.Get it through your head he is not Oprah -He is the President  of the USA -He showed his respect and went to visit the victims in hospital.What more do they want? He is not a fake politician that can turn on the tears as needed.He has other things to do.So he played golf on Monday -I have news for you 0he also ate breakfast and brushed his teeth Life goes on,,,,



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193,352 Aside from the rare extremist, no one is suggesting taking away anyone's guns. Most people just, you know, don't advocate for adding more guns as a solution to the problem.
Also how many "bad guys" have committed a mass shooting with an illegally obtained weapon? None of the recent shootings, that's for sure.


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193,351 I know I am just a distraction from the disaster of his life, I know this is really going to hurt at some point and yet I’m doing it anyway.


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193,350 A pitiful secret about myself. My husband brought me a piece of exquisite cake from a party at his office. It had chocolate mouse filling. Need I say more...

I savored the idea of eating it for hours. I waited until my husband went to bed so I could enjoy every bite without distraction.

Cake in one hand, glass of milk in the other, I headed to the living room where I could sit in my favorite comfy chair.

But I wasn't paying attention. I bumped into the door frame. The cake lept off the plate and landed on the rug.

Nooooooooooooo...........

What had I done? It had chocolate mouse filling! God hates me!

Then I remembered the five second rule. I quickly grabbed at the cake and put it back on the plate. The mouse filling was still sticking to the rug. I scooped it up as best I could with my fingers. The rug was a gooey mess. I didn't care. I got most of the cake. That's what's important.

I quickly started shoving it in my mouth. It only took me a few seconds to realize the problem. There was now hair on the cake. Human hair. Dog hair. Cat hair. I don't know exactly what it was but my mouth was full of chocolate mouse filling and hair.

A normal person would have spit it all out immediately. But I didn't. I munched down on the sweet creaminess while trying to ignore the sensation of hair in my mouth.  

I swallowed not only the cake, but the hair and my dignity.

Yep, I'm pitiful. But the cake was pretty damned good.


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193,349 I'm considering hiring a private detective to look into my sons biological father. I'd like to know his older son's names.


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193,348 My periods were always horrible, from the very start. Crushing cramps that extended down the insides of my legs to the soles of my feet. Blood clots as big as my thumb. Having to wear diapers because no pad or tampon would hold the flow.

Finally I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I was in my mid-thirties so I opted for a hysterectomy. I've never been sorry I did it. I only wish I could've gotten it at age 14.

But you want to know the funny thing? Twenty years later, I still sometimes dream I'm having my period. In my dream I'll be shouting, "This is crazy! This can't be happening! I had a hysterectomy!", and someone nearby will say, "Yes, but sometimes it happens that you get your period even so."

Yeah, having my period is still my worst nightmare!


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193,347 346, just wait until you hit mid 30’s if you think it’s bad now.  The only thing that even made a dent in the cramps I had was Tramadol.  .  That will make the rest bearable.  Talk to your doc...do not suffer like you are.



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193,346 Holy shit. I’ve been off the pill for two months and my periods are SO BAD. I’ve been on the pill for a decade, so maybe it’s partly the hormones working their way out. But, Jesus. I’ve never had cramps like this. Never been sore like this. Never bled like this. They last so long and they hurt so bad.

On the plus side, my sex drive is now that of a teenage boy. So I’ve got that going for me.  - F28


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193,345 I think I'm missing out on all the modern day issues.

- I've never touched a gun. I've never even seen a gun in real life.

- I've never taken drugs. I've never even seen drugs in real life.

- I've never gotten drunk, although I have seen alcohol. I've never driven drunk though.

- I've never cheated on my wife. I've never cheated on my taxes. I never curse. I've never stolen anything. The few times I've found a wallet I returned it with money intact. I've never been to Vegas or to any casino for that matter. Even when I'm at a fast food place and they give you a cup and you can fill up your own beverage, I never sneak back for a second filling.

My God, after writing this I feel like the most boring man alive.


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193,344 Ok, here we go, what a show, another wardrobe “malfunction” - this time the Olympic French pairs skating / ice dancing/ ice porn / whatever.  

I had to watch the reply about 4 times before I spotted a lone nipple and  *gosh* some boroadcasters have pixelated the footage.   I thought it was part of the act, honestly.   Nobody would be talking about the performance otherwise.


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193,343 I’m 24, and I’m already tired of life. I’m mostly just bored. I’ve traveled to a few cool places internationally, and domestically. I married. I don’t have children, and I don’t want them.

Not even weed makes me happy anymore. I’m just bored.

I might clock out early, on my own terms. Just haven’t figured or decided when.
Sigh.


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193,342 If she's clean and disease free, I'd happily kiss a hooker. Tongues and all. Making out like teenagers, and giving her lips a rosy tint from my whiskers.

I miss it so much I'd totally make out with a prostitute as long as she's clean. Who else is going to do it? My wife won't, and it's not exactly something I can ask one of her friends to do. Sure, I'll request a haircut, to borrow their car, or give them the keys to my house while I'm out for a weekend, but a kiss? HA!

Such a simple thing, yet so complex. A few hundred bucks to shove my cock up her asshole, or to sit on the couch and touch lips, all for the same price. Weird. Even weirder is that I'll pay hard-earned cash for either, or both.


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193,341 For the last week, I've been secretly watching porn while my wife is five feet away. I can't not watch it lately, and it's always about blowjobs. I miss them so much!

My wife hates doing it, and I don't think my dick has been inside of a mouth in a decade. I'm watching two girls with one guy, and two guys with one girl, and I don't even care right now what the numbers are, I just need to see a hard cock inside of her mouth.

I think as soon as we file taxes, I'm going to have to spend a few hundred on a "car repair" lol. All cash. I insist on getting a blowjob. I've fantasized so much about seeing a woman's face in my crotch, that I must make this dream come true. My wife won't do it, she refuses. I must have it. I don't care what it costs.


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193,340 I caught an elected official who is supposed to be impartial, calling Trump a troll.

I posted it for all to see, pointing out how biased she is

The official contacted me. She said I wasn't being fair, that I took her comments out of context.

Excuse me, but what? Like gimme a situation where you call Trump a troll, but you know, in a a good way...


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193,339 I switched to a male therapist because I couldn't stop having sexual fantasies about my female one. That aside, she was a much better therapist for me.


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193,338 Sexual exploitation is very bad. It's evil. The people doing it should be executed by a horde of rats.

Besides that, I'm so confused about why cops make such a big deal out of arresting hookers and their clients. Come on, the dude just wants to get off, and she needs to make rent, so they should be jailed right?

Our nation's priorities are jacked up


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193,337 My wife confronted a guy in a parking lot once. He was being a dick. It had to do with him taking someone else's parking space.  My wife went right up to his face and called him out on it. The guy said something rude.

Rather than me punching the guy, I pulled my wife away. I avoided the confrontation.

To this day I'm not sure it was the right thing for me to do. Part of me feels like I should have stood up for her. I should have fought the guy or something. But I didn't. I ran away and dragged my wife with me. I came across as a coward.

Another kicker, my kids were with me. They saw their daddy be a wimp.


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193,336 I do amazing things for others. I painted a woman's garage. She tried to pay me. I desperately needed the money, but I told her no. I can't take money from people. I don't know what it is. I'm too shy or I don't want them to think badly of me. Or I don't want them to think I need the money. So I always turn it down. I know, I know, I'm an idiot. I'd be a terrible salesman. I'd give products away at no cost.


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193,335 What? Two American male skiers were kissing at the Olympics? This was shown in prime time coverage? And you wonder why nobody is interested in watching this year?

Yo NBC, my kids were watching. It's not up to you to push that kind of thing onto my children. Go mess up your own children.


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193,334 I can't believe how many fucking people believe more guns are the answer.


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193,333 Just about everyday, I think of you Eric.  I'm so sad I got that call from your Mom in 1998 that you ended it. I laughed all the time.
Today's Memory is that I see it is Seal's 55th Bday.
I rememeber the video for "Crazy", with his hair, and i said, "what does this guy think he's the Black Michael Hutchence??!!"
And you said, "Or, maybe Michael Hutchence is the White Seal!"


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193,332 You would not believe me if I told you. Me and the wife make about $400k a year. We do a job that a high school dropout could easily do. Keep looking down your noses, we make more than your doctor by a long shot. Maybe I will write an ebook with our secret in it.


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193,331 I won't specify my job, but you want to know a secret about cheating on your taxes, or any government program?

In order to catch you cheating, the government relies on algorithms that identify outliers.  In order to develop just one of these algorithms, it takes a lot of people a lot of time, often because the laws and regulations surrounding the program are incredibly convoluted.  Each algorithm requires testing, fixing, and updating on an annual basis.  One of the biggest problems is that bureaucracy means that multiple systems exist that don't talk to each other.  If the factors and rules become too complex, the algorithm isn't worth pursuing.  So the people they can confidently identify are usually only those who are cheating so badly that it's super obvious.

Once they ID a person through an algorithm, they do a manual review.  But they don't have the staff available.  In one program I know of, only .025% of all docs are manually reviewed, and even this overloads the staff.  The staff are looking for every excuse they can think of not to waste their time.  They are looking for the person to claim they made a mistake so they close the case and go to the next one.

Time and resources and costs means the government can only identify those people who are really, really obviously cheating.  The government is looking for those cases where they can make back their money very fast, and as cheaply as possible.  They're not going to spend $250,000 in staff time and legal fees to get back $2,000.  But they will spend $1 in postage to automatically send you a letter, and $100 in staff time for a staffer to confirm that you sent in receipts so they can close the case and go to the next one.

So you know what the government tries to do?  They make every effort to make it seem like they know everything you're doing, and that every mistake will be found and pursued.  They push every interview and article with the media that they can to get the word out on fraud.  They rely on the same "security theater" that the TSA does at airports, and that has never caught a terrorist.  And it is very, very effective.

Years ago before I got into this job, I made two honest mistakes, one on my taxes and one for unemployment.  

With the taxes, I rented out a house and somehow made the house worth 10 times what I paid for it.  I made the mistake two years in a row because I used a computer program that stored my info from the previous year.  I got back $10k more than I should have.  I never got so much as a letter from the IRS.

With the unemployment one, I had been unemployed for so long that by the time I got a job, I had stopped reading the check boxes for my online claims.  I made 2 claims for $800 that I shouldn't have.  Two weeks later, I got a letter, had a 30-minute phone interview with an investigator, and had to speak with the supervisor for another 30 minutes.  Dropped immediately after that and paid back the $800 when the repayment letter came.

I "got away" with $10k because the tax laws are so massive and convoluted that nobody had the time to look at rental depreciation.  $800 got caught immediately because the state could check whether a claim date was entered after the date entered by the employer that said I was back to work.

If they catch you, they'll catch you very fast.


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193,330 In 20 years of marriage I've had about 50 women get me off with handjobs and blowjobs.  I've had naked oral sex experiences with some of them, too.  I finally fucked one.  I don't know why I felt like I cheated on my wife this time.  The truth is, I cheated on my wife the first time I did it at the beginning of the marriage.  But there's something about sticking my dick in that makes me think "oh no I cheated and I'm bad!!"


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193,329 I'm a 40 something suburban lady who drives a sensible car.  Back in college and into my 20s I would occasionally enjoy mdma. I was into the rave scene then.  I really miss dancing late into the night feeling so free but I guess if I went to one they would just see an old lady.

Mostly I wish I knew how to score mdma again I have no idea where to find it. Would be nice to enjoy with my husband.  

It seems like you hit a certain age and you're just not allowed to do things anymore. I miss the freedom the joy the brightness of my youth. It's like you hit a certain age and you're just supposed to be dull or follow your kids around everywhere.

Anyone hook me up?


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193,328 I was eating at a sidewalk cafe with a few friends. A brand new white pickup truck pulled up and parked at the fire hydrant in front of us. This bald guy - the intentionally-shaved-his-head-so-he-looks-tough kind of bald guy - hopped out and went into the restaurant. He left the truck running.  It was diesel. Within a minute all the people eating outside were gagging from the fumes. Some got up from their tables to get away from the exhaust. Children were crying. Another table was asking for the restaurant manager. A woman from one table was smart, she walked over to the truck and said to all of us, "Why don't we turn off the engine." Everyone in unison shouted "Yes!"

Just then the bald guy reappeared carrying a bag of take-out food. He saw the woman reaching for the door of his truck. He yelled at her. "What the hell are you doing?"

She calmly explained that by leaving the engine on, he was ruining the meals of the dozens of people sitting here.

He said, "Don't touch my truck or you'll fucking regret it."

A man from her table popped out of his seat. He said, "Hey, calm down there. She's just trying to be helpful."

Mr Baldy intentionally bumped into the guy. It looked like he was going to push the woman too.

Now the secret. I was about 10 feet away. I had my hand in my jacket. I was a split second away from pulling my glock out of the holster and shooting the bald guy in the head. But he stopped short of touching the woman. He hopped back in his truck and pulled out at full speed.

The guy doesn't know how close he came to dying.


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193,327 My husband FINALLY told his mother to fuck off. I’ve been waiting almost ten years for this and it was EPIC. She’s been an absolute nightmare for the last three years and he finally had enough. He called her out for everything- her shitty attitude, her sniping at his saint of a father, her behavior in public, the way she treats wait staff.., everything. We had the first pleasant dinner together as a group since back when we were first dating. You get her, babe! So proud of you, even if I can’t say it out loud.


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193,326 Ten more minutes... Ten! I can't fucking wait ten more minutes, I need it now!

She's going off with friends to dinner, and she's dragging it out, making me wait, and it's almost like she knows it's driving me crazy!

Ten minutes to go. In ten minutes and four seconds, I'm going to be sitting naked in the living room. I have the bottle of olive oil, the bottle of amazing Tennessee whiskey, and a bottle of lotion behind the couch. As soon as I see those tail lights, I'm getting a dose of each one, and porn is gonna be played through the projector, and I'm gonna get titties and pussy nine feet tall staring at me.

Yeah, she doesn't ever want to have sex, so I make dates with my hand. Don't like it? I don't care. But holy shit, I'm already buzzed, and tonight is gonna be a 4-hour sexathon with my fist and my internet. Yay marriage. It's OK though, my wife won't miss a thing. She can have plate-full of shrimp and special sauce, she doesn't like the version she has at home.


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193,324 I remember seeing that Russian post on social media. Before the election I was thinking about voting for Hillary Clinton. I turned to the internet for advice. There was nothing. The entire year before the election there was nothing, not a single post about Hillary or Trump. Remember that time period, the internet was totally blank on this topic.

Then this one post showed up saying negative things about Hillary. It completely changed my view and I voted for Trump. I had no idea the one and only post on the entire internet was from the Russians.

Maybe if there had been more posts talking about the election, maybe they could have influenced me too, but no, there was nothing else, only one post for the entire election cycle........


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193,323 I used to cook. I used to be halfway decent at it. People used to like what I made. But.... Then my wife lost her job. She was mad at everyone and everything. She picked my cooking as the focus of her anger for several months until I stopped doing it. She would look at the food and laugh, tell me how I was screwing up boxed mac&cheese, how I couldn't boil eggs right, and how my hamburger was seasoned all wrong. She would leave ten minutes before dinner, making sure the kids could see her rolling her eyes and making a gross face at me stirring the food, then come back while we're eating, saying she had McDonalds and wasn't hungry for my slop.

Fast forward five years. I have lost the will to cook for anyone but myself, and then it's only half-assed. I'm also stubborn as a mule, and I've got a good memory of how she treated me, so now when she complains about having to cook meals, saying she wished I would help out, and how I used to cook good things, I'll mentally tell her to fuck off, smiling as I walk away and tell her it's never again going to happen. She gets so mad at me, but I'm stubborn as hell, and I refuse to let her win that fight. She ruined that for herself. I will never help her in the kitchen after the way she treated me.

That's my secret today. She's ruined several things by the hateful way she's acted, but those are stories for another day or three. Maybe this secret can also serve as a lesson to other people. Be careful of how you react to what someone is doing for you or your family. If you're full of nothing but hate and negativity, don't be surprised if you completely kill the will of that person to ever do that thing again.


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193,322 I have no interest in my wife. She has lied far to often for me to care about her. Here's a secret. She thinks I'll be there for her til death do us part. No. I'm divorcing her. We are both retired. We have no savings. We both live a meager existence on our Social Security funds. When we split, the funds aren't enough for either of us to get a decent place to live. That's okay by me. I have an offer to live in a caretaker cottage. My wife will have nowhere to go. Not my worry. The judge can't tell me to get a job to support her. I'm too old to work. She's shit out of luck. Hope she enjoys being homeless.


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193,321 Because there's almost never a time when someone isn't home, I was ecstatic to have the house to myself this weekend. I actually got to watch porn with the volume on. Yes, this is what constitutes excitement for me, lol.

The sad part?  Besides a few videos where I could hear a woman cumming (omg, female masturbation compilations are the best), I was really sad to hear the latest trend. It's been probably three years since I've heard a porn. Now? Pshaw. I'll keep the sound off, thanks. Fucking stupid sound tracks over the real sounds. People reading from a script and pretending to get off. They don't even try to make it match the actors/actresses! It's just an overlay (no pun intended). It's pitiful and sad. Even if you're going to make a porn and pretend to have an 'amateur' cast, can't you at least try to make it sound real?

Wow, what a secret... I'm sad about a fake sound reel on top of fake amateur sex. I'm also glad this is muted. I love watching a woman orgasm, and I love to hear it too, but I guess that's going away too.


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193,320 Wearing orange to raise gun awareness seems like a political ploy. It's a dig at Trump. Way to go people, turn the shooting of innocent kids into an anti-Trump rally. You won't solve anything, but you will insult the president in this new way. Cool. I'll bet the families are pleased you are using their dead kids for political gain.  




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193,319 I have a question. For men and women.

How often do you cry per week? Are there also months where you cry everyday for a week or more?

I'm asking to see whether I'm still normal.


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193,318 "Only women, children and animals are loved unconditionally.  A man is loved under the condition that he provide something"
- Chris Rock, Tamborine

First question guy friends have about their buddies new girl?  How is she?  First from a woman's girlfriends?  What does he do? i.e. How much does he make?

Great comedy gives us a great view of the truth.  I have been blown away for a week since watching Rock's new special.


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193,316 I have a mild interest to see that Black Panther movie. But here is the thing. If I go to that movie am I a racist ?  Or is it that I have to go to the movie to prove I am not ?  Who the fuck knows?

Then if I go what happens if I not like the movie ?  Can i actually say that, or not ?

Too confusing so fuck it, not going.


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193,315 Marriage is about love and support, not competition.  I don't compare myself to my husband.  I do the cooking because I know how and do it well, but he doesn't.  We share housework, but if he doesn't feel like it, I do it.  If I don't feel like it, he does it.  We do have our own chores that we seem to do exclusively, like he has never cleaned the cat boxes, but I have never asked him to.  I have more education, but he is currently working full time and going to a very expensive school, which we both pay for, even though I currently make more money.  Who cares??? I'm going t spend the rest of my life living with and loving this man; why would I want to eff it up with pettiness.  My marriage is my foundation; my world!  

It doesn't take magic to make a marriage work; it takes constant work--costant work!  Just like living!


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193,314 A post attributed to the Russian hackers:

“The Black Panther group was formed to protect black people from the KKK but it was dismantled by the US Government, yet the KKK still exists today.”

Stop and think about it. This post wouldn’t encourage people to vote for Trump. It would rile black voters and get them to vote for Hillary Clinton.

But at the same time we are told Trump colluded with these Russian hackers to get votes for himself. How do you explain it Democrats? The Russian hackers were getting votes for Hillary and this somehow proves Trump was in bed with them?

It makes no sense you fucking morons. At least put in the effort to create fake news that’s semi-believable. Idiots.



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193,313 I'm desperately searching for something good that I am good at.. I'm worried there isn't anything.


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193,312 There are only about 10 colleges worth attending in the entire country, if you can't get in there, DO NOT GO. Don't settle for some dink ass school that will take your money and then have you read the same book you read in high school. Like for real, you want to pay THEM for that "learning experience." Don't fall for that crap.

Who am I to say so? I actually went to one of those 10 colleges. I then rose the ranks to run a company many of you know. I've personally hired, I don't know, 1000 people. You come in with a resume from SUNY Albany, sorry, but it is not impressive. It's an embarrassment. However, if you come in saying you skipped college and started mowing lawns, and built it up to 50 clients, you are hired.


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193,311 My wife enjoys being unhappy. She looks for things to make herself unhappy. Then she can blame me. What a twisted psyche. Marriage changes women, and not for the better.


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193,310 A friend once told me that before you allow yourself to have a drink or three, that you should do something to deserve it. I liked that advice. I try to follow it now.

This past week, it was the work-week from hell. My kids are mad at me, my spouse is bitchy, and my body hurts. I think I've deserved it. I had a drink. Or maybe nine. Whatever.

It's 4pm, and I've been drunk and stoned since 8am because I got to sleep in. I haven't had sex in 2 months, and that time was because of a 4am shoplifting freebie before the bed-mate could stop me in their sleep. I've gotten myself off three times today, and hoping for a 4th soon. I'm in the middle of a smooth ride, and I don't want my 3-day weekend to end.


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193,309 The Mueller report details the typo which proves Russian trolls were writing posts here in America.

Here it is. Someone posted the following to social media:

"So, let me get this right...."

The claim is that it was posted by a Russain because a US citizen would have written:

"So let me get this right..."

See the difference? No comma.

This is the evidence being put forward by the special investigation. A comma proves Russian agents have influenced our elections and Trump should therefore be impeached.

A comma...

I kid you not. Google it yourself.


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193,308 THERE ARE NO RUSSIAN HACKERS!

OMG some people are nut jobs. I think Mueller has lost it.

When the Russian thing falls apart, these same people will say aliens are influencing our minds.

Hillary lost the election because she's not a likeable person. The end. Stop trying to blame it on everyone else.


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193,306 "When Moses made the Red Sea part..."

I think this is a reference to taking a woman's virginity.


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193,304 The only thing I’ve done all day is dance with myself.
I mean that in the Billy Idol sense.


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193,303 My husband just asked me to quit my job and stay home full time. We don’t have children. We don’t even have pets. He makes 4x my income and hates that my job requires me to work weekends, that it takes over my life, that I care about it as much as I do. He’s not wrong about that. I’m one of those crazy people who legitimately loves what they do. Loves it a stupid amount. Can’t get enough of it. This job is hard, and frustrating, and it doesn’t pay near enough, but I’m damn good at it and damn proud of what I do.

And he wants me to just give it up. Just like that. So I can take care of our family of two people, get stuff handled for him, manage our house and all that. It creates this strong, visceral reaction in me. I want my job. I want to earn my keep. I love what I do. But he’s right. What’s the point in me working these long hours for hardly any pay? Our house is a mess, he’s stressed out, we never hang out anymore... maybe I should just take the path of least resistance and quit. But I can’t help feel like, if he loved me, he’d be sharing the load. He’d be helping me out. He’s home alone today, and he’s getting drunk, playing games, whining about what a mess our house is. Fucking... clean it up.

I’m so upset and angry. I don’t even know what to do. I’m hundreds of miles away from my family and I’m ten years into this relationship. We used to be so happy.


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193,302 I need a rack for all the hats and masks I wear.


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193,301 My husband never went to college, only trade school. He learned a trade and has made a decent living doing that trade. I went to 4 years of college to get a bachelors degee in nursing. He makes more than I do.

Yesterday he got a $10,000 bonus for the 11 year on the job  anniversary. He also received a bonus because of the profits the company has recently made. So. In one day, on top of his weekly salary, he made an extra 14k. Meanwhile I have $60 in my checking account waiting on my next payday which is still 5 days away.

Yes I'm jealous of him


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193,300 I have low libido.  I can't even cum during sex and keep losing my erection.

29 m


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