secrets


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4,499 After I'm done having sex with him tonight, I will secretly count the moments until he leaves so I can take a hot steamy clean shower, rake the sweaty sheets off my bed and sleep alone.



likes: 0

4,498 I'm ****** and I'm an asshole, but that's not my secret. Due to the low hit count on my website and marginal book sales, I've come to realize that my 15 may soon be over if it's not already. Therefor I'll reveal these 2 secrets, since it doesn't matter how much lower your impression of me is.

Anyone that's read my work knows what contempt I have for women. There has never been a women that was my equal or better, not even my mother. Even the best academic brains and bodies I meet through my book tour are still just jizz spitoons to me. My secret is that I hold my readers in even lower contempt than the cheese whores I degrade so freely. You aspire to be me...you read my stuff and think you can get game. You're a pustule on my ass and I have nothing but disdain for you. Find another role model, you losers.

Also, despite all my writing to the contrary, I think I'm actually a little gay. All that shit I wrote about freaking when I thought I'd been had by a transgendered stripper...really turned me on. I love thinking that a chick may have given some guy head before going out with me, and someday I hope to write about being assraped by a huge, black Brazilian tranny, then made to swallow her cock. I'd wipe her spent dick all over my beaming face and give her a big kiss of throatyoghurt to boot.

Idolize that, you pukes



likes: 0

4,497 My last day at my job is next Friday.  I'm not going to do anything but sleep for a week straight.  When I wake I'm going back to sleep.

Then, when my money runs out I'm going to get another job.



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4,496 Whenever I go to a store that has those toy vending machines, I leave a quarter on top of each machine (on the lock so it's kind of hidden)so that kids can find them.



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4,495 Ive read each Harry Potter book (all 6 of them) about 15 times each. Im 22. Id fuck Fred and George Weasely. Mm.



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4,494 I wish I'd get fired so I could spend more time with my daughter while collecting unemployment.



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4,493 It's 3 pm and I've just about wasted my whole day.  Good job me!



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4,492 I am in my male, late 20s, a virgin, and afraid that I will not measure up on my first time.  I hate being shy.



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4,491 I really do think I'm better than a lot of people.



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4,490 I have two biracial children, two fathers. I don't necessarily prefer black men (I like what I like, regardless of the color of someone's skin). I guess percentage wise, I probably like white men 55% and black men 45%... I'm scared though, to have a white child.  I feel like if I were to ever have more children, I'm obligated to have more children that are biracial so I don't hurt my already existing children.



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4,489 I've been more or less made to see two different therapists in my life.  I went through the motions.  Psychiatric disorders aside, I really don't believe in it to be honest - especially not for $80 an hour.  If you're paying someone $80 an hour to listen to you, that's the only thing you need therapy for.

You don't need a therapist - you need a friend, a bartender, a barber, or... CaveCanum.

I post regularly, and both contributing to this site and reading other peoples' contributions are probably the greatest therapy I could imagine.

Thanks.



likes: 0

4,488 Whenever I had a retail job when I was in high school or college, I shouldn't have been trusted around a cash register.  I always found a way around the system.

I still exhibit some of these same tendencies, only now it's with Quickbooks.



likes: 4

4,487 I wish I loved myself.



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4,486 Nobody knows this but I am the one who brought "Oh Snap!" back. It was easy. Bringing "Aw Dip!" back is going to be harder.



likes: 9

4,485 I guess I am bi.  I've had a few experiences with men.  Mostly just giving blowjobs.  I haven't loved the experiences, except for a few.

I love being with women (and was married for a long time and have kids to show for it).  I always gawk and sigh at the sight of a beautiful woman... generally wishing I could be with her and just feel and touch her naked body.

I never see a man and think of him sexually.

However, I generally think of various blowjobs I've given to men when I jerk-off, and I can cum a lot faster if I do that than if I think of a woman.

Life is way too complicated.



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4,484 I can't seem to stop crying. I'm in a public place right now. Better get home before people start to wonder WTF wrong with me--again.



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4,483 I have a secret desire.  This afternoon, actually...most afternoons, I fantasize about spending several hours with a man from work.  

The warmth of our naked bodies touching.  The caress of our trembling hands.  The taste as our tounges eagerly explore each other.  The sweetness of his kiss after bringing me such exquisite pleasure.  The sound of him  moaning softly as I give in return.  Afterwards...the feeling of contentment as we hold each other.  The comfortable silence as we rest in each others arms.  This is just the beginning of our afternoon. . . .



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4,482 i'm in love with FFG



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4,481 It has been growing for a while, but I'm pleased to say that I have now become COMPLETELY intolerant of people who:

-Can't speak English, as a first language, clearly
-Can't write a coherent sentence
-Have no idea what to do with punctuation marks
-Don't understand the concept of capitalization

Now mind you, I am intolerant of a lot of things and people, however thanks to my mom, my girlfriend, and particularly StrongBad, I won't give these illiterate morons the time of day.

If you work in a position where you basically talk on the phone for a living, you had better speak King's fucking English if you want all the other illiterate morons to be able to understand you.

and if u type yr emails lk ths, oR WoRsT oF aLL lIkE ThIs, or if your the typ thet dosent no the difrence of a woman or women and says thet they sooooo totally shud stop writing run-on sentences...

Do you understand that language is what allowed modern civilization to develop?  If you don't write or speak clearly, no one will understand you, or bother to try to listen to what you say.  I sure won't.

I'm a grammar snob.  And I like it.



likes: 7

4,480 There are days when every time I look at a girl all I can think about is how she would probably love a bigger cock than mine.



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4,479 I can't help but think that all of my failed attempts at love might be caused by all those obnoxious forwards I delete. You know the ones..."forward to 10 people in the next 5 minutes or you'll die alone."



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4,478 I've set up and enjoyed being party to sexual adventures with other men for my Girlfriends. None have ever returned the favour by setting up another woman for me and they even get bitchy about the prospect or idea. I resent them all for it and I cheat on them without guilt because of it.



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4,477 I work in Manhattan. Sometimes I see women that really turn my stomach. I pass swift judgement based only on superficial information gathered in the time it takes to pass on the sidewalk. I fill up with disgust so quickly. Who are these women that make me so crazy?  They are the ones who so obviously think they are hot shit. Usually in sunglasses and pointy toed high-heels. Litterally strutting down the Ave like its the god-damned runway. They really act like they look good when in fact they look ridiculous. Don't they look in the mirror?  I'm talking about these high powered, "high fashion" types who wear all the latest styles. I'm sorry but they just look retarted.

Also, let it be known that I do not dislike women. I love my wife. I love my mom and my sisters. I'd rather hang out and talk with female friends any day of the week. It's not about being chauvanist or sexist. I just think some New York women look so stupid.



likes: 2

4,476 As a male, whenever I piss in a toilet (a sit down job, not a urinal), I generally make sure to wipe the rim when I'm done.  Of course I lift the seat before going, as well.

In addition, I usually extend this wiping to the area between the back of the seat and the tank.  If you're wiping the rim and it's adjacent, why not?

Now doing this for my own toilet seems kind of natural, but I myself think it's weird that I do it at friend's houses, and occasionally at public places as well.  But have you people SEEN your toilets?  Not that I'm down there licking them or anything but, damn, your ass hairs, piss droplets, and crusty shit splatters are pretty gross to look at.

If you wipe it every time, immediately after, it takes three seconds, doesn't dry and crust on, and doesn't become gross, and a chore later.  Keep some Lysol next to the toilet or something.  Whatever - I'm anal.

You're welcome.



likes: 4

4,475 I don't like most people.



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4,474 It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone



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4,473 I am the IT guy at work, and I constantly monitor people's e-mail, web usage and AIM chats.  I have never reported anyone, but I have seen some crazy shit.  I also used some of the info to my advantage and slept with a co-worker.  Remember that you have no right to privacy on office computers.  Your employer is paying you for your time and they own the computer and network.



likes: 5

4,472 Last night at the bar, the girl I was with went up to you and spoke with you for a while.   You two know each other, and she has a crush on you.  She was trying ot make moves on you, and the whole time I was sitting there I really wished that you and I could talk and get to know each other. But we didn't speak much because you and she spoke of people you both know, and I'm shy. I can't tell if you are interested or not.  You confuse me. I don't know if I'll get another chance to find out about you...



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4,471 I'm afraid that if I die early I will miss out on so much.



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4,470 I was talking to my boyfriend on aim and I'm at work.  He got me so riled up that I had to take matters into my own hands in the bathroom. He is sooo hot.



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4,469 I have multiple personalities that I use to make political posts on bulletin boards.  Sometimes I get in arguments with myself to try to convince people that they personalities are actually different people.  I do this pretty much constantly, except when I'm posting about my favorite basketball team, the Florida Gators, who rock the world.  I know I'm an asshole, but I just can't help myself.  Does that make me evil?



likes: 1

4,468 I spent $15,000 on a ring that I was going to use to propose.  She put so much pressure on me it ruined the momemnt, so I broke off the relationship, returned the ring and used the money for a down payment on a car.  I like having a new car, and I like being single.  If she only knew what she almost had.



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4,467 This morning I wanted very badly to throw a stapler at my bitch of a boss. I try very hard to do my job and do it well, even after I've put in my notice but today she hit my last nerve and I'm so sick of her that if I didn't need this job as a reference, I would tell her where to shove it and walk out today.

Secret is, I plan on doing whatever I can to sabatoge her when I leave this fucking place.

Haha, bitch. All this time you've had to prove your dominance over me and little do you know that you have never broken my personality and never will.



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4,466 When I see people taking the elevator from the 2nd floor to the 1st floor I quickly jet down stairwell (which is convienently 5 ft. away!) hoping that when they see me already on the first floor they feel lazy for not using the stairs.



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4,465 I'm a 30 yr old guy, and I don't know why, but the secret about the babysitter and the bathtub made me horny.  It reminded me of when I was younger and always trying to peak on the babysitter's daughter going to the bathroom, changing, etc.  Even though she was only around 12 or 13 at the time, I thought she was sexy and can remember getting a tiny erection.  It's a turn-on to to me to read that something so incredibly taboo affected this woman in that way when she was younger.



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4,464 I had a man-size dick when I was a small child.  My cousin did too.  I think it's genetic.



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4,463 Occasionally, maybe two or three times a year, I will hide somewhere and break down, scream and fucking cry like a woman.  Most people know me as a very stoic person that doesn't show their emotions.  I don't think I'm the only man who does this - but I do believe that men should not cry in front of others.



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4,462 I am still alive. Why? What is my purpose?
Everyone else has passed away now. I'm all alone.
I'm scared.



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4,461 When I was 14 years old I had a regular babysitting job watching the 4 year old fraternal twin boys of some friends of my parents.

The third or fourth time I babysat these boys the mother asked if I could please give the boys a bath before I put them to bed for the evening. I said sure.

Eight o'clock rolls around and its time to get the boys a bath and put them to bed for the night.

I draw the water, bring the boys into the bathroom and tell them to get undressed and get in the tub. They start doing what I tell them to do, so I go downstairs.

I'm in the living room right at the bottom of the stairs. I hear them laughing and splashing around in the tub. I smoke a half of a cigarette grab a can of soda and head back up the stairs to keep an eye on them, make sure they dont bump their head, drown etc; while they're in the bath.

I walk through the bathroom door and I dropped my can of soda on the floor.

The one named Stevie is standing up in the tub and he's got a fully erect penis. And I mean this little kid had a cock on him. It was almost five inches long, over an inch thick and had a big head on it. He was hung like a man. At four years old! His brother Davey had a big one too, but I didn't see it hard.

I was in shock!!! My stomach got butterflies, my nipples hardened and my pussy started to get wet. From the sight of a big dicked little boy. I was disgusted and ashamed with my self.

I never gave those boys a bath again.

I wonder if the mother set me up? I mean she MUST have known. Was she proud of the dicks on her boys? Did she want me to see them?

I wonder how they are built now? LOL This 20 years ago this summer.



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4,460 I saw an episode of the "Fall guy" once where they put soap in their arm pits in order to appear ill.  It still freaks me out when I shower.  I rinse my arm pits three or four times to be sure.



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4,459 My mood and outlook change drastically with the weather.  In the winter or when it's dark and rainy out (a lot of the time in Seattle) I am depressed, self-conscious, irritable and tired.  But when it's sunny I'm happy and confident.  I can't believe I'm so weak-minded that I let the elements choose my behavior.



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4,458 Before I leave any washroom, I make sure there is no piss left on the toilet seat, even if it's not my piss... I don't want the next person to come in thinking that I'm the pig that left it there.



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4,457 I absolutely believe in safe sex, but I hate condoms.  I often find myself in relationships I don't really want just to be able to have sex w.o. covering up.



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4,456 The high point of my week is every Monday afternoon when I break down and cry in my therapist's office.  I am 56, married, and lonely.



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4,455 I miss him....I love him....I'm a coward for not telling him so



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4,454 I used to work at one of those evil big-box stores.  It sucked all around, but it was a job.  Part of my job was to help customers carry heavy or bulky items out to their cars.

Company policy strictly forbade accepting tips, and I never expected them.  But if a customer handed me one, I would never refuse it.  It didn't happen every day.  But I probably recieved over $100 worth of tips in the two years I worked there.  A disabled woman once abruptly stuffed a five dollar bill in my shirt pocket, after I carried a 10-pound VCR out to her vehicle, parked less than 100 feet from the store.  

I could have been fired if I had been caught, but I never was.



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4,453 I saw a man i used to date and who i am in love with on the street last week. he has been ignoring me for weeks now. When i stopped to talk to him, i realized I was literally shaking. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I am sleeping with somone else who I care nothing for.



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4,452 My sister confided that she is in love with a man of a different race.  I told her I will accept her no matter what her decision is and to do what makes her happy.  My whole family will disown her, but I want to be there for her...but secretly I dont ever want her mouth on my newborn baby.



likes: 3

4,451 I love girls when they're really wet.  When my girl is dry, I'm not attracted. But put her on a boat and get her splashed with a big wave, and it's all over. I have to have her right there no matter if we are on a boat with ten others or alone.



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4,450 i feel very bad for people who cant cry. letting go of the emotions enough to cry is a very healthy thing to do, and probably keeps you younger  or lets you live longer



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4,449 The first time I admitted it to myself...I cried for hours.  I cried because at that exact moment I realized I was destined for misery.  It has been agonizing.  

I love a man who is unavailable.



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4,446 Mid-40s man here.  About 20 years ago, I used to take off all my clothes and take long walks through my neighborhood, stark naked.  I'd do it on hot summer weeknights, around 2ᛆ or 3ᚨ in the morning.  I did it for years and never got caught.

I couldn't do it now - the law doesn't distinguish between exhibitionists and child molesters: everyone's a "sex offender" - but I'd love to.  I actually probably would take the chance if I met a women who'd do it with me.  But my wife won't.



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4,445 I wish I wasn't, but I am strongly sexually attracted to my supervisor at work.  I'm in my late 20's (and male), she's in her mid-40's, and we're both married.   But I always have naughty thoughts when I'm standing next to her, talking to her.  I have to try extra hard to hide it, to keep my eyes from roaming or my tounge from Freudian-slipping.  I don't think she has a clue, which is probably a good thing.



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4,444 i wish my best friend had NOT married her loser husband, as charlie sheen said on two and a half men 'LOVE ISNT BLIND ITS RETARDED"



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4,443 I hate people who are cruel to animals. They should be charged with a felony, and do hard time.

A 4 month old pit was dipped in acid, he was burned over his entire body, even in his mouth. He had to be put to sleep. Whoever did that should pay greatly.



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4,442 My friend shouldn't marry his fiancee.  She's not stable.  He deserves better.



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4,441 This is for women.  Your man would love if you licked his ass while he's jacking off!  I know....I do it.  He LOVES it.



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4,440 I had this boss who was way cool and a great prankster.  At one point I was sitting in my office when the phone rang.  In a hushed tone, the voice at the other end said, 񓨉."  Then he hung up.

Three seconds later, the head guy at our firm walked into my office with a few other people, including my boss who was putting his cell phone back in his pocket.    The head guy looked at me and said, "Your boss thinks you are a math genius.  He bet me $10 that you can calculate anything in your head."  Then he looked down at a sheet of paper and said, "What is the square root of 6,435,369?"

I looked at the floor for a second and then said, 񓨉".

I loved that boss.  Too bad he died.



likes: 2

4,438 im a guy and i just woke up from a night of continuous dreams about a younger str8 married guy, i work with, making hott passionate love to me over and over again in public places. i feel as though ive betrayed his friendship by having this dream, but im also feeling  love for him. in my dreams as he was taking me, he said if my wife knew she'd kick me out so i told him dont tell her, and he said but i love you. i know its just an odd dream but i don't know if i'll be able to look him in the eye. sometimes i think im losing  what little mind ive got.



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4,437 sometimes i think i am really pretty and that my body is soft and curvy and sexy. i walk around standing tall and making eye contact with people.

other times i find myself to be so hideously ugly and huge that i can't even really look in the mirror. i feel so horrific about myself that i want to crawl under the covers and never see anyone again.

the worst part is that it switches from the 1st to the 2nd so fast and without warning that it takes my breath away sometimes.



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4,436 Whenever I eat a box of Junior Mints, I leave one in there.  It's for my brother.  He died over 20 years ago, but he always loved Junior Mints.  Miss you my friend.



likes: 9

4,435 I never wear loafers to a party, only shoes that need to be tied.  That way if ever I'm left standing there alone, I can crouch down and pretend to tie my shoes until I can figure out who to talk to next.



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4,434 I love skating, but I'll only do it in on Ice Skating Rink, never on a pond because I'm afraid of falling in.



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4,433 Whenever I have to be somewhere at a certain time - like the movie theater for a date, or a restaurant,  or wherever - I always get there early.  And then I'll hide out across the street until exactly the right time.  I don't want to be late, but then again, I don't want to seem too eager by getting there early.  So this works out best, even though I feel a little weird hiding in the shadows.



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4,432 I'm in love with this hot windsurfer computer dude. He has the nicest bod I have ever seen. More importantly, he "gets" me. jjw you rule.



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4,431 After I take a crap I have to use wet wipes or I just dont feel clean. If I am in a bathroom without my container of wet wipes I have to take a wet paper towel into the stall with me. There's something about cleaning it with something wet makes it feel more sanitary.



likes: 1

4,430 When nobody is looking, I lick the yogurt container.  If someone is around, I save the container and lick it later.



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4,429 Now that I've had a threesome with my girlfriend and another girl...  I can't wait to have one with a guy.

I really want to suck a cock so bad.  I did once before, but it was a long time ago.  I want my girlfriend and I to both suck him off at the same time.  I want him to come on our faces.

Why would you limit yourself?  There's just SO much more to love and sex than simply being "straight" or "gay."



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4,428 It's friday, and I don't have shit to do at work.  I got to work over an hour ago and have been reading this website.  I also want to have sex with this co-worker, who is blond.  BUT, she is married, has a kid, and is too fucking sensitive.  I know I get on her nerves, and she gets on mine, but I still think she is hot.



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4,426 I have to take a shower after I crap.  I don't know why, but if I don't, the unclean feeling I have can be overwhelming.



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4,425 My secret is that I KNOW things.....no, I don't know where your lost dog is, no I don't know where you put Grandma's earrings, no I dont know what tonight's winning lotto numbers are but I know, unequivocally that when we leave "this life" it is not over.  Call it the after-life, here-after, whatever you wish but I promise you if you have done heinous things in this life you will be held accountable later. I have had this "gift/curse" since childhood. I can be in the dentist's office/reading a book/sitting at my desk and the feeling/visions just come. I cannot summon them on my own; they come to me.  For those of you who have "done wrong" you have chosen your path, luckily, if you redeem yourself now you can "lighten the load" later.  You can choose to believe or disbelieve me but I have NEVER been wrong.  Also, when you are alone and catch "something" out of the corner of your eye - you did not imagine it - they are there.........trust me.....



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4,424 i told my boss that i was coming in late because i had to get my car fixed. in actuality, i stayed in bed and had sex with my boyfriend twice. i had two orgasms! yay!



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4,422 as a manager, it seems that most of the temps that have come in on an emergency plan- without a resume or interview, are the best and have gone on to be hired permantly - there's just something about those whose resume we have to review and interview .. they just never measure up!



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4,421 my staffing agency that i work for knowingly uses illegal aliens for one of their biggest clients!  and when they get laid off we don't pay unemployment because they cant complain!  i hate this place!  it is so unethical!  keep reading and ill tell you our name.



likes: 5

4,420 I can't stop eating cheez-its, they are so damn tasty.  Garlic parmeisan, white cheddar, bbq, hot & spicy, even regular, they're all good.  I've ruined many an appetite for dinner by snacking on cheez-its.

I'm a male



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4,419 I hate my suburban middle-class life.  I hate struggling to keep up an illusion of petty affluence, and I hate the shame when we fail to do so.  I would rather live in an apartment in the city, surrounded by diverse people and real culture, or in a trailer or shack up in the mountains, surrounded by the beauty of nature.  I don't care either way.  Suburbia offers neither.  It is soul-less.  I hate it with a passion.



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4,418 I don't mind that my dog eats the kitty poop out of the litter box.  That means I don't have to clean it as often.



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4,417 The only reason I cleaned my house today is because a man I'm having an affair with is coming over.  My husband will be happy when he comes home to a clean house.  I'll be too tired to put out for him though.



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4,416 I gave my best friend a blow job two days before his wedding. (I'm a guy)



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4,415 I have OCD and I make it a point to have my stuff appear messy even though I took my time to make it a organized confusion



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4,413 I live too much in the moment.



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4,412 I had this affair with a woman a couple of years ago and now we work in the same area....It is hard because she still makes me hard and I think she wants me again.



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4,411 My x-boyfriend has a little dick. I use to fake the feeling and stroke his eagle by saying how big it was!  In all actuality is was too small. I really loved him, but often thought about having sex with someone else that had a normal size dick...

Whew!!! that felt good getting it out!!!



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4,410 I hate the dam receptionist at my job.  Most of the time I wish she would get hit by a dam bus, so I wouldn't have to see her again.  I really really hate the site of that big overgrown crooked, hunchback beast!!!



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4,409 There's a patient where I work who comes in every week. I have a major crush on him. I'm his nurse.



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4,408 I think I'm pregnant again this will be my third.



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4,407 When I was a child of about 10, my father taught me how to pee.  He instructed me to sit and pee because that is the most natural position to completely empty the bladder and with a quick dab of tissue, there is never any residual drippage.  In addition, he informed me that I would never have to worry about being yelled at for pissing all over the floor from bad aim, and having a funky, pissed up bathroom.  I have also never had to worry about leaving the seat up.

Now, on the occasions when I go into a crowded restroom or the public stalls are filthy and I have to use the urinals (a really filthy, ugly, hideous invention), no matter how much I shake afterwards, there is always drippage.  I don't know how guys stand it and I'm so surprised that many of them haven't figured it out themselves.  

Whenever I come across a guy that smells like piss (more often than you would believe), I want to tell them my remedy, but I don't because they might not appreciate it, and people are so crazy . . ..

Anyway, now I've told everybody.



likes: 3

4,406 Last night, the man I'm in love with completely fucked up--but I still love him.



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4,405 I have had 35 electro-convulsion treatments (shock therapy).



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4,404 I'm 36, female, and today I bought my first box of condoms. My face was ten shades of red because I had to ask the manager to unlock a cabinet.  Then, at the checkout line, the woman said quite loudly, "Ooohhh, someone is gettin' some tonight!!!"  Thank god it was early in the morning and I was the only customer.



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4,403 After I pee, I squeeze my dick, like a tube of toothpaste, and dab the hole with a wad of tissue to get out every last drop.



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4,402 I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm terrified of losing my sense of humor.



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4,401 My ex-fiance got married five months ago. I still love her so much. I think of her almost everyday. I love my current girlfriend, but I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love my ex-fiance.



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4,400 I once spent 6 months spying on my best friend's Mom getting changed when I was 15. One night I got caught by her and my friend before she had gone upstairs to get changed.

I hid in the bushes and cried worrying how I would explain myself. I went home as if nothing had happened and my Mom told me she had been round. I went to my friend's and apologized to his Mom for scaring her. I told her I was just messing around and didn't mention I was spying on her.

I think she realised. My friend was also none the wiser. He thought I was just being weird and trying to sneak around the gardens.

Since then he hasn't mentioned a thing, but his Mom flirts with me everytime I see her. I think she'd want me, but I'm too scared to ask. She's nearly 30 years older than me.

I want to go to her house when my friend isn't in and tell her the truth. I then want her to tell me she knew and say she always fancied me and wanted to be with me but felt she would seem like a pervert. Then we would fuck for hours.

Its always nice to dream.



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