Just one question. Why'd you do it? I thought what we had was real, and something new and special. You always told me it was special, and nothing could replace it. And yet, you screwed me over like THAT? So what, all that was a lie? And boy, I went off on you. Did I ever.

But then, I realized that wasn't the right thing to do. So I decided to do the right thing, and be the bigger person and tell you I was sorry for the things I said, and forgive you for the things you've done. And now you still won't talk to me? Are you really that immature?

Frankly, I can't believe how manipulative and twisted you are. Our relationship meant nothing to you, and everything to  me. You threw it away like it was some sort of contaminated garbage.

You'll never understand how bad that hurt, and still does hurt.

And you don't even give a shit.

I kind of wonder if you are perfect for me... it's too bad you recently had your heart broken severely and that you live so so far away.  If I met you face-to-face I would know in a matter of minutes if we would work out.

Of this I am fairly certain, I will meet you in person one day.

When I was dating David I told myself that if we didn't end up working out I was done with men, or at least done with dating.  Sadly/happily that didn't turn out to be true.  I am so not done with men or with dating.  It took me a good long while to be interested in any of it again, but I am now.  The only problem is I am not sure where/how to find a good man.  Seems like the only ones seeking relationships are the ones I am completely uninterested in (drug users, drunks, underage, dog-ass ugly, unmotivated, etc.)

I am willing to wait to find someone worthwhile, but do I really need to wait THAT long?

To change your life, you need to well and truly change your lifestyle.

I'm starting to hate having a facebook. I forgot how self-centered and uncaring or maybe just oblivious these people are.

Here's an example...

Last night I posted that I was going to the doctor to get something checked out. Nothing too cryptic. All I wanted was to hear something nice from a friend. Is that too much to ask? Apparently it is.

The main thing is I can let people know I may or may not have something wrong with me, and I'll I want are a few kind words. It'll be ignored. While my "friend" will post about the food he had at Taco Bell, and in 10 minutes, there will be tons and tons of replies by friends.

I just need a little bit of kind words. Is that too much to ask?

Honestly, this is absolutely killing me. You know rush didn't turn out well for me. And yet you insist on asking me for advice for your own coming up. I hope you don't get a bid, seriously. I'm not even trying to be a bitch. But, you know damn well that I deserve it so much more than you, that I did my research, that I've wanted this forever. Not to mention I'm a normal person and not a HP-obssessed, negative, annoying, ugly bitch like you. And yet you'll probably stand a chance simply because numerical odds are in your favor.

I know of a young girl who bravely fought cancer for a year.  Then the cancer was gone.  I told people the story.  I harped on it in my own head.  See, I'd say to myself, there is a reason we exist.  Life isn't all bad.  Good things happen sometimes.

I created this little bubble of happiness knowing she was going to be okay.

Now if I understand correctly, the cancer has returned.

Pop.

(I am so sorry to hear this my friend. So sorry.  You have been dealing with too much. I hope he is treating you kindly these days.  But I doubt it.  Warmest thoughts from me to you.)

I have had a lot happen lately with my family.  It has not been easy.

My husband is no longer the first person that I want to call or talk to about it.  I think this says a lot about our relationship.

The anniversary of 9/11 always brings up a lot of vivid memories. I was on the phone with my Mom when the first plane hit.  I spoke to my best friend who was living in nyc when the 2nd plane hit.  Several friends fled nyc that day and came and stayed with me for a week.  My son who was just a baby then provided so much comfort and was a great distraction from the seriousness that surrounded us. I can't believe it has been 8 years.

What I do find sad is that our country has lost that feeling of "togetherness" that followed the crisis.  We are back to all of the senseless bickering.  Just turn on the tv.  It is rather pathetic.

Lessons seem to only last so long, until egos and greediness take over.  Humans are so imperfect.

I was once a disruptive, opinionated, confrontational teenager.

I've become a people pleaser than just wants to be liked and accepted.

Ex-husband and conformity....wow how life changes...

30/f

I am so disappointed that my son's PUBLIC school didn't show Obama's address to students. I thought I loved in California, not freaking Tennessee.

come visit me again...hey...any time you want...how is that?????
.....smile at me and let me play in my mind what I want....I love the way you just show up....you are the only person who has permission to show up any time.....anyone else would be a bother...but you....you are the source of my dreams and you are so kind and lovey....  You smile melts me.

99% of the things I post on MySpace/Facebook/etc are to make people jealous that shouldn't be reading it in the first place.  :)

I still don't get what you were protecting me from. But it was very sweet. :-)

Why is it so hard to meet someone? Someone to laugh with,cry with,cuddle with, have sex with. JUST BE WITH??  Im a good person. Not bad looking,not looking for someone perfect. Just someone who gets me for me. Wants me for me. So I will wait year after year day after day waiting for that someone to find me. PLEASE find me soon before Im old!!

I hope you see me tomorrow, I have a date with my current man. I hope when you see us you get angery at the thought of how you lost me. I am so much more happy. I hope you see it. And then you can let it go. I HATE how you made me feel, and how you scowl at him at school. Fuck of I moved forward you should too.

Anal sex makes me gassy. Needless to say I've been gassy all day.

31/F

i like it when i'm talking to u and out of nowhere u just interrupt me and kiss me like crazy, it makes me feel like ur going crazy to get inside of me!!

I get jealous when you tell me other guys hit on you.  I dont want you to cheat on your husband with anyone but me!

another broken d8. all u care about is work. well im gonna go out and get what i want.

i wish u would've kissed me on our first date @ islands!!

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I have late night dance parties all alone. I wish I had a big house with a ballroom and a light-up floor. Being poor sucks ass!

Im still in love with my ex-best friend and im married with children now.

i have a small penis.

I took the day off work.  I wanted to pick up my son's new custom made bed.  He is so excited to get it.  I spent the morning painting and rearranging his room.  The plan was to get the bed first thing in the afternoon.  But my wife saw it differently.  Since I was home she decided at the last second to go out to lunch with her friend.  I explained I was going to pick up the bed.  She laughed and rushed out the door.  I called her on her cell.  She said she'd be back by 5:30.  What?  A 5 hour lunch? It is now 5:45, she isn't here. The carpenter's shop closes at 6:00.  It is not open at all on the weekend.  

I just called her now.  She says she is half an hour away.  She'll be back by 6:30. Oh great. That's helpful.  She'll be back after the carpenter is long gone.

Selfish doesn't begin to describe this woman.  The bed would have made our son so happy.  I already dismantled his old bed.  Guess he'll sleep on the couch until Monday.

This is so typical of my wife.  She screws up everyone else's plans all the time.  No remorse.  She even had an attitude.  When I said I really needed to leave here on time, with her most obnoxious voice she says, "Ohhhhh, sooooooorrrrry."  I wonder if her friends are getting how she treats me so badly.  Doubt it.  They are probably spurred on to treat their husband's badly too.  And then they all sit around bitching why they are so unhappy in their marriages.  People should stop and think about the things they do in life.

I hope there is a God.  I hope he is there at the pearly gates with a clipboard and list of names.  When I arrive, he'll shake my hand and say welcome.  When my wife arrives, he'll say, "Um... no.  You fucking kidding me?  You see the stairwell over there leading down.  That's for you."

He always preferred the intelligent women, to form relationships with, but God only knows, what possessed him all those years ago to risk losing what he had right in front of him for the other woman. Must be he simply was thinking with the wrong head. Manipulation comes in all forms, and she is seriously good at it, for the sake of her own wants, desires, and demons. To hell with healthy, warm connections, when you've got a a desperate pussy just screaming for attention.

no skeletons in my closet

thanks to you i changed. and not in the way i wanted. i just want to start over.

i eat boogers...lol

I didn't know it was possible to hate yourself as much as I do.

i am we are homeless, i had a thing about why homeless people couldnt just get a fucking job but now i see just how hard it is without a fucking adress to have anything sent to, however, i still shower i dont drink nyquil and my kids have no idea really that  we are, so what is with the people who are homeless and jhust let them selves go?

I found the numbers of the two girls my husband was seeing when we were separated today in his spare wallet. I'm really hoping he just left them in there and forgot. Needless to say I took the piece of paper and burned it.

Sometimes I think that he is not happy with me after this many years and he just has sex with me to pass the time. I am bother by his lack of interest in our future together. I just want to know if he wants to be with me or not.

I hope my wife loses the weight she put on from pregnancy. She weighed 140 when we married and now she's up to 200. I love her but I don't want to be with a woman who weighs as much as I do.

I used 1 of my vacation days this year to stalk my wife. I pretended I was going to work but instead followed her around all day. I think I enjoyed it more than a real vacation. I felt like a spy. On the highway I hid behind other cars. At the stores I parked into the sun so she would have trouble seeing in my direction. I wore a hat and sunglasses. I was great. She never did anything wrong the day I stalked her, but damn did I have a good time.

*******
We spent a few short but wonderful hours together last night and as always it was amazing.  I told you that I like you..A LOT and you said you loved me. I just stared at you and didnt say anything back. All I could do was smile. Thing is I do love you. As scary as that is to say, I do. This is why:

I love your smile.
I love the way your eyes get when you've got a mischevious thought running through your head.
I love your smell.
I love your laugh.
I love your touch.
I love it when you get frisky and forceful with me.
I love it when we "argue" about buying lunch or drinks.
I love how well we fit together, especially naked.
I love your ass. My god you turn me on.
I love our conversations together. I never get bored listening to you. I never think of anything else while we're talking with eachother.

Theres many many more reasons why I love you but thats the jist of it.

Until our next together time, Ill be thinking of you =)

I love when I call the phone company for a question about my bill and they can't hear me because the connection is terrible. This never seems to trouble them.

All I want is to have friends, to be my own person, and to make it somewhere in the world.

I just wish my life didn't suck.

My neighbor's house is in foreclosure.

THERE IS A GOD!!

I don't give a shit about 9/11.

How can paying for sex be illegal, but making porno films isn't?

Aren't the actors being paid for sex?

I weigh 102 pounds. Why am I still so fat?

I hate when people post their blog posts in multiple languages. Don't they know there are a million online instant translators where readers can do that? I guess they just want to look smart. Dumb idea. It clutters up the place terribly.

Last night at open house, you sympathized with me because my face was flushed. You said you felt hot in the classroom, too. My face was flushed because for the last few weeks, you have been the main focus of my sexual fantasies.
Love your sexy, sexy eyes!

Suicide is not chosen. Suicide happens when the pain a person feels exceeds his or her resources to cope with that pain.

I almost lost my sister many times to suicide, and she will be on medication for the rest of her life to prevent it.

Loss is loss.

I think the propaganda machine is churning again.  There is a headline saying one dose of swine flu vaccine is enough.  I think this is the government worried that we won't have enough vaccine so they are putting the idea out there that one dose is enough in order to make the limited supply go further.

It would be like a lazy farmer not wanting to put in the effort to build a fence, so instead he tells the sheep there are no wolves.

And what do the sheep say?  "Okay, I feel better now."

Then they get eaten anyway.

The reason I don't believe in God is because of my mother.

I am frequently amused to the point of laughter by subject lines of "newsletter" spam emails from the ASPCA:

25 Dogs Rescued From Queens Hoarder

Monkey Rescued from Neglectful Owner

Will You be Fluffy's Voice?

Don't ask me why, but I find this freaking hilllllarious. I guess animal cruely is funny sometimes...

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My relative getting cancer again with the possibility of losing her life is not the same feeling of loss as your relative committing suicide. Stop making the comparison.

She did nothing to deserve this horrendous disease.  

He chose to end his life.

Obama, Pelosi, Reid and all the dems lie about the health care bill they want passed.

Yes, Obama's 2 page memo on health care says no illegal immigrants will be covered. But his 2 page memo is not what is being voted on. In the house bill that it is getting voted on every time it has come up for a vote to be certain illegal immigrants are not to receive free health care it is voted down.

See how that works ?

This should not be a secret, but it seems to be.

cabbies rip you off by driving you wherever they want. U cant do anythin about it.

Fact: I sleep in a thin 100% cotton sundress that is the equivlent of a rag
Fact: You love that dress
Fact: I want you beside me every night
Fact: I love the feel of youe hands on my thys
Fact: We have a date comeing up
Fact: I plan on sleeping in
Fact: Your not the only on with morning wood
Fact: I want to wake up with mouth on my neck, your stomic against my back
Fact: You know non of the above

I hate cheeters. If you love some one in a in a romantic way. you can have sex with them. So many forms of love are mistaken for tromantic love. So many hearts broken. Make communication a key, and all wil work out. Dont cheet because you don;t see some one that way. Freinds can be loved too. There is a differece look for it.

I want to watch another couple having sex.

M.-you're a dork like me and I love you for it. I want you more than I've ever wanted anybody. It's all I can think about. Even if we just fucked like crazy for 5 minutes, it'd be the best 5 minutes ever. I'd make it so worth it. Let's run away. I'd do dirty things to you that you've never even dreamed of...

I HAD TO SEE A SHRINK BECAUSE OF YOU!

I am 26 years old. I am engaged, and have a steady job. You asked me what was wrong, a simple question for your disraught woman.  I yelled at you and told you to get out you said no. I broke down. I spilled my guts after you broke the door and huged me close.

When I was 16 I fucked up and got knocked up. I carried my children for 9 months, the baby daddy freaked out and dumped me. My father and  myself convinced him sign papers for an adoption, he wanted it closed I wanted it open, he eventualy agreed. My Twins, two beautiful blue eyed girls were born on an early september morning, and they shared my eyes.

They are 10 years old now, fixing to turn 11. I have a few pictures from their "mom". We send letters about once a year, with general updates on our lifes, she was my mother for 9 months in a way too.

Today I got a letter, it was from their her. She told them they were adopted, and one didn't take it well, they want to meet me! To understand why, from my story. They want to be in my life! I never once regret giveing them to her, she has done more then I ever could have. She is happy I am doing well, she encourages them in this want to know me, I want to know the beautiful girls I gave birth to.

As I sobbed in your arms, I relized that even though I never told you. You were still okay with it. You still loved me! You praised me for doing the right thing, and giveing them a better chance at life, and condonded me for dealing with the pain alone.

I cried in relife. That was a week ago. Tomorrow they will be here, I am terrifyed! What if I am not what they expected? You have stood beside me all along.

I guess it helps that your Baby Momma gave me my son. I did what you couldn't but its okay, No-one is perfect. I love B he is my baby boy, and his mothers, she wasn't their for years 1,2,&3. She is trying now.

I hope my girls are her girls, and mine.

I hope they understand. Happy birthday girls. Mommy loves you I always have.

JF-
There's a good chance that I'll get to see you on saturday and I can't wait. You are the first long standing crush I've had in a long time. The chance of seeing you is pretty much the only thing that's gotten me through the past couple of weeks. I really hope you'll be there.

I'm going to cut myself right now =(

Jake-
I just told you something. Something that I've kept inside for a long time. I told you that guys like you are one in a million. It's true. You're not a homewrecker. You're not the guy that even HITS on a girl when you know she's got a boyfriend. You're not like that. You're sweet. You make girls feel special. You're real, you're deep. You're amazing. I told you all this and I said that I wasn't hitting on you. Because I have a boyfriend, you have never showed interest in me. That's sweet of you actually. But because of this, I HAD to tell you that I wasn't hitting on you so you weren't freaked out. To be honest though, I wasn't hitting on you. I was telling you the truth. This is how I feel. This is why I cannot stop thinking about you. This is why I get butterflies when we talk. This is why I can't go through a whole day without thinking about you. I didn't want to freak you out. You then said "call me when youre single, we'll talk. lol." You then got offline. Wow. The words I have been waiting to hear and then youre gone. You know whats running through my mind? Would I be better off hearing that or not? Were you joking? Right now, more than ever, I wish I was single. I'd call you right now. I'd tell you to read this and tell me what you thought. I guess it's a good thing your going to school 3 hours away. That would have made it worse on me if you were still in town. The thing is, if I was single, and you lived here, what would have been your answer when I said that I wasn't hitting on you. You also said "yeah right, you know you want some Jake." I then said "oh yeah, you know it." But the thing is.. I was serious. Dead serious. I want you. I think I'm falling for you.


If I were single, would you catch me?

Taking salsa dance with you was some of the best fun I ever had. I don;t know if it's good or pathetic that I sometimes wish I had those days back.

I like the taste of my own cum. Its a treat only I can make it myself. I refuse to masterbate myself, I think its a quick way to some sick endoprohine addiction. That is why after a wonderful love making session. I  will lick the condom clean before taking it off. As much as I love the taste of myself on your fingers, I like it more off of your dick, where it has had time to mix with the mint flavored condom lube, and your own sweat and jucies. Call me kinky, but your the only person I ever have and probably will give head to so I can taste you tart flavor.

F/18

I think that Disney Inc. Is the Walmart of entertainment. They control everything! Childrens minds, to elderly heart stings, yet no one cares but me. As much as I want to ban Disney from my home I can't. It would mean putting my children so far behind.

I think Bam Margera is God. He's absolutely perfect. The things he does is hilarious and I love how free spirited he is. He doesn't care. He lives life to the fullest. He's absolutely fucking gorgeous. If he and I were to ever meet, good God, the things I'd do to him..

I have fantasies about him. My boyfriend hates it, but I can't help it. I masturbated to him today and had the best orgasm I have EVER had. I picture myself being with him.

Everything starting out cute. Going on a cute date, sharing sweet kisses, cuddling under the stars. That's date number one. He can't stop thinking about me and smiling, so he calls for another date. This time, it's my idea. We cuddle, we kiss, we touch. I get him fucking hard as a rock, I get on my knees and I swallow his dick whole. It goes slow, then it gets fast. Back and forth until he cannot breath. He's moaning my name, grabbing my hair.. he can't contain himself. As he's about to go, I stop. No sweetie, it's not over. I sit up and let my tits fall into his mouth. He squeezes, sucks, licks, nibbles. Everything. He whispers in my ear about how he can't hold back. I go back down and lick slowly, I blow softly, and then I swallow it again. This time, letting him go. I would swallow every last drop. Then, if he wanted, he could fuck the shit out of me. As hard and fast as he wants. Afterwards, we'd cuddle. He'd fall in love with me.

I know it's fucked up, but God damn, he's fucking sexy and I can't help it.

My wife says we will have sex this weekend.  Ha.  She always promises and never delivers. And yet after all these years she still says it like her words have meaning.  She reminds me of a deadbeat who borrows money again and again, each time promising that this time will be different and he will pay it back. But he never does.

I know it won't go anywhere, and before tonight I didn't think I cared.

Now, maybe I do want him. Just a little.

I hate reading out loud because I'm always afraid I'll slip up and say something embarrassing like "sex" or "penis."

...I have a debate tournament coming up next weekend. Wish me luck.

I realized today that nothing has felt real to me in a long time.

and one more thing we had some damn good sex during the movie! he finally came in me and it felt damn good!

I saw him last night, finally! i hadn't seen him since April. we met up at movies after work. the minute i looked into his eyes everything else seemed to fade. i always feel so safe whenever were together. he is the love of my life.

you gave me butterflies. and the perfect kisses. you made me feel safe. you figured me out, and that has never happened before. I was about to fall in love with you. But you walked away. What am i supposed to do now? You asked me to trust you.

Truth be told, you caused more drama in my life than I've ever experienced. Even more than when I got death threats. Yet.. I still miss you.

I feel so lost, not having you to talk to. I felt like we were going to be those old ladies in the retirement home talking about our days of being teens. Looks like that's not going to be happening..

I judge people by the amount of friends they have on Facebook.

We both tried - we both failed. I don't think you and your friends/family will ever realize what we were all about. It was truly none of their business/concern. If only - - -

I miss you and think about you every day - how you're doing - what you're thinking - what you're feeling. We both have all these regrets and guilty "rocks" weighing us down, but it's time for us to let go of the past and forge ahead. With you, could/would have been great, but no longer real. Perhaps our inner child just keeps hoping to find what we had, sometime/somewhere out there. We can't afford to look back. We have this one life/one trip here and off we go into the wide, blue yonder. You're forever in my heart, LAS

I don't think you realize how hard it is for me to not be able to talk to you. You were someone who really understood me and I always felt like I could talk to you about anything...

I still really miss you.

Low flying planes scare me. I think they are going to crash on my head.

Here it comes the Swine Flu Epidemic of 2009. You are about to experience history.

More devastating news today...honestly I don't know how much more I can take.

I feel cursed.

I'm so scared to start a new relationship. I can't get hurt like that again... I don't think I would be able to handle that.

I went to my local library today. As I was going in the front door, a little boy walked in with me.  It took me a few seconds to realize no adult was with him.  I watched as he stood in the foyer looking a little lost.  So I went back and asked if he was here with someone.  He said he was with his mother.  I asked where she was.  He didn't know.  So I waited with him for a minute looking both inside and outside for a frantic looking mother who just lost her son.  No luck.

I then brought him to the front desk and explained to the librarian that the boy appeared to be alone.  After a little coaxing from myself and other library patrons, we managed to get the boy's first name.  He didn't know his last name.  He was 3.  The library made an announcement over the speaker system.  Nothing.  No one showed.

Twenty minutes went by.  A few more announcements were made.  I trolled the parking lot hoping to see a worried parent.  No luck.

I wasn't understanding how a mother could not be noticing the fact that her son was missing after all this time.  It shouldn't be that we were trying to locate the mother as much as it should have been the mother trying to locate her son.

35 minutes into this ordeal a woman casually comes into the library.  She walks up to the boy and says, "Oh there you are."  She takes him by the hand and turns to leave.  I politely ask if he is her son.  Without stopping she calls out over her shoulder, "Yes."  Not good enough for me.  I go running up to her and her son.  I turn to the boy.  I ask if this is his mother.  She yanks him away and says the boy doesn't have to answer to me.

Again being polite, I tell the mother we have been trying to locate the lost boy's parents for 35 minutes.  Now I am just making sure all is okay.  The head librarian comes to my aide.  Thank God.  She sees the potential for disaster.  She flips a switch by the front doors.  They lock shut.  She asks the mother for some ID.  The mother says a curse word to the librarian.  The librarian shouts over to the front desk to call the police.

The mother is now shouting for the doors to be unlocked. I can't believe this is happening.  Other people in the library have come to the lobby to see what's going on.

Two minutes later the police show up.  The librarian unlocks the door.  The woman is screaming hysterically at the librarian who is trying to explain the situation to the police.

Finally the police ask for ID.  It turns out it is her son.  My guess, she was embarrassed she didn't know where he was for 35 minutes. So embarrassed that she wasn't thinking clearly and didn't want to deal with the responsible people asking her for details.  So she tried to avoid the situation by running out of the library.  Hardly a mature response.  Then again it shouldn't surprise me, it is hardly mature to lose your son for so long.

I don't get people.  There we were trying to help her lost son.  In response she is angry and yelling at us.  What would she prefer, that we let him be lost and picked up by a child molester?  That obviously will never happen while I'm involved no matter how badly the mother behaves.  But I wish people could see themselves.  I wish they could see how they act sometimes.  So rude.  So self centered.  People always disappoint me.

A fake smile goes a long way...

When we hang out together, I stare at you lips while you talk, and wonder what it would be like to kiss you.

I'm embarrassed for the Republicans.

And I'm not even Republican.
I'm not saying they're all dog faced goons.


But I'm still embarrassed for them, if you have a problem with the President, that's your prerogative. But don't start fear mongering and mud slinging. It's distasteful and only makes you look bad. Stick with facts, and with grounded concerns not lies.
Please.


I mean.... Honestly people.

Your husband has a goatee?  Ewww.  No more playdates at your house.

What does it mean when a woman douses herself with perfume before our meeting?

Yep, that's what I thought.

Woo woo!

I wonder where I'll be buried. Most people probably don't know this information in their lifetime.  I'd like to know. I think I'd go there and have a picnic.  See the view.  Listen to the trees. I think that would be comforting.

I secretly hope that my ex remains miserable and loveless.  I only feel this way about her because she's the only girl I really loved, and I can't stand the idea of her being happy without me, and I absolutely despite the notion of her finding contentment or love with anyone else.  On the other hand, I'm always happy to hear good news from ex's I didn't love because I don't really care one way or another, so as a matter of principle I wish them well just because I generally want people to be happy...with the exception of the one person I loved.  Perverse, isn't it?

I often try to see the young person in the old person. I'll look at a crabby old lady and try to imagine that she was once 20 years old and had the spark of love and lust in her eyes. It's a challenge to see into the past like this. I find it's much easier to see the future, to look at a 20 year old girl jilted by love and see the eventual crabby old lady.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm in love with you.
Then I think of him.

The q-tip in my left ear always comes out clean.  The q-tip in my right ear always comes out uber dirty. I don't know what it means. Just thought I'd share.

I am so in love with you that it hurts, unfortunately, you'll probably never know.

I send people anonymous emails with helpful suggestions.  i do it anonymously because if I used my real name, some of these knuckleheads would go to the media and turn me in. So anonymous I remain.

I keep tabs on a lot of people that aren't in my life anymore via the internet: ex-boyfriends, ex-roomates, old friends, even my husband's ex-girlfriends.

I wonder if anyone stalks me.

I'm a complete bitch.  I hurt you intentionally once and I'll probably do it again.  Your friends are right to hate me.  I don't understand how you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you love me when all I'm going to do is hurt you.

But when you hold me and I hold you I never want to let go and I never want you to hurt. Ever.  I'm so scared I'm going to hurt you. Just don't let me push you away.

I still think about how much I want to be with you even after I told myself its never gonna happen

I haven't talked to him in months.  I don't miss him.  At all.  I don't miss the annoyance of dealing with his mood swings and the times he'd turn around and blame the mood swings on me to anyone that would listen.  I do NOT miss being called horrible things behind my back simply because he never had the balls to say these things to my face.

So I sit here and wonder why my thoughts trace back to him every so often.  I wonder if I do actually miss having him around.  I try to think of his face to see if my heart breaks a little.  I've missed his friendship in the past, so I remember what that feels like...but now I just feel nothing.

I think I'm just afraid that I'll eventually miss him.  I really, really, REALLY need to start writing down all the charming shit he does to get into your good graces and all the psychotic shit he pulls to throw himself out.  I REALLY need to write down how it felt when I found out about EVERYTHING he had said about me behind my back.  About the things he said about my family.  And if he EVER tries to talk to me, if he EVER even remotely seems like someone I would want around again...I'll take the word of one of the few people I can trust in regards to his true character...ME.