It kills me how often I dissapoint others.

I blocked you on Myspace, facebook, and my IM. I don't plan on being your friend after you leave. I just need to get through this year of living with you, and than we'll be apart for good. You are transferring to another school. Well I haven't told you, i'm transferring too. Further away than you'd ever think. I tell everyone it's for myself, but really I need to be away from you. You broke me down more than you'll ever know.

We won't be friends ever again. And that's the hardest thing i've ever had to accept. After spending 2 1/2 years dating, knowing each other's stories. I'll never find someone like you and I don't want to hold you back or see you hurt another girl. So next time I say goodbye, it'll be for good. Enjoy your life

I gave you everything I had to offer and yet was not good enough for you. You gave me doubt, tears, and lies. Stop making me feel like everything was my fault. We both know it wasn't. I would of never cheated on you, I would of never made you feel as alone as I did from you. I'm waiting for the day you'll admit your wrong.

I know that day will never come tho.

i hate that i just saw your new picture on face book, you shaved your head like it was the first time i saw you. i teared up, and i fucking miss you. i hate you for it.

Dear God,
Thank you for not giving into my prayers and having him fall in love with me.

I now see what a fucking asshole obsessed whiny lil Bitch he has Become.

I hope this psycho girlfriend cheats on him or gets knocked up By one the guys in her dorm

love,
Samantha

I feel terrible because I know it is hurting you that I don't want to be together anymore, but we have wasted 2 years already trying to "make it work" with no luck. I'm sorry, but that is too much time to waste if you ask me, and I don't see anything changing. Besides, if I stay with you I will just continue to hurt you and resent you and probably end up cheating again because I am always wishing I could date other guys...especially one.

I'm off to go finger myself and think about you. You always make me cum!

You know how the three of us are friends, right? How you think of me as "one of the guys" even though I am clearly a girl, and a cute one at that. We all talk about porn and how the two of you want to bang all these girls at work. I'm your buddy.

Well... turns out that N likes me a little different than he likes you. And I like him different too. We are fucking. Every chance we get we fuck. We've fucked in your room when you went downstairs to make popcorn.

We don't want to tell you yet because I know you'll get upset, but I'm afraid you might catch us sometime. The last time was close. Too close.

I STILL LOVE YOU HARD AFTER EVERYTHING WE BEEN THROUGH...I JUST WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TRUST YOU AGAIN. SMOOCHES...GOOD NIGHT MY KING!

You've already effed up one chance with me. You're off to a great start. I'm starting to wonder if it really was her fault you guys broke up. This is why you shouldn't date ex-friends ex-boyfriends. I'd really love to tell you off. But I won't. Why? Because I'm tired of being alone and you're the best option I have. But I'd never tell you that.

when you asked me if i was cold i lied. i was shivering from your kisses...

Im so weak and lost at this point, I dont think I can get back on track by myself ..
and that jus kinda further states that I am weak.

I honestly feel like those who believe in a higher power are dumb. That's almost the whole world...including my mom, my boyfriend, and my best friend.

The song was forever here I stand...not standing forever. And if you forever stood in your marriage vows and didnt step out we would kissing eachother goodnight right now.

Round and round it goes. It wont stop...Ever...
Trapped...Lost...Only one way out...

I told my best friend that im bisexual last year. Earlier this year, she and i got drunk and had sex, lesbian sex for that matter. It was incredible. AMAZING. She told her boyfriend what happened and he didnt mind, but he doesnt want her doing it again. EVER.

My birthday is coming up.....i plan on getting drunk and wasted with my best friend. I also plan on eating her out till my jaw locks. She's the best birthday present i'll ever get. I know she wants it just as bad as i do.

Without old school R&B and Funk I don't think my life would be worth a shit. Oh yeah, and fucking helps too. But that's running a little low these days...

I have a crush on Puck from "Glee".

I love him with all and everything and the feeling is returned. I know he would never cheat on me or do anything to make me not trust him. He cares so much for me...

I'm gunna fuck it all up.

I saw him again tonight, for the first time in a long time.  At first, I didn't even realize it was him.  I was walking down the street when I suddenly had the urge to look over my right shoulder.  Obliging my instincts, I looked and there he was, walking past me.  I thought he looked familiar but for a moment, I didn't recognize who he was. Then it came back to me.  It's been a while and I hadn't even thought about it until I saw him tonight.  I feel like such a school girl saying this, but I had the hugest crush on him and I still think he's really interesting.  

Andrew, I wish we could be friends.

Uh oh, I have an odd feeling I am heading to the same vacation town as my "ex" for the long weekend. Not sure how pleased her husband will feel about that. Wish she'd let me know where she is staying so I can be sure not to cross paths.

I think everyone in this world should read the book, 'The Shack' written by WM. Paul Young.
It changed my life and just painted such a cool visual picture.

I got jumped by 3 girls a few weeks ago. I got jumped because I kissed my girlfriend at a party. One of the girls tried to beat up my g/f so I hit her, and then got the shittt beat outta me by all 3.
I was the first girl that my g/f had ever been with, and she broke up with me on the spot while crying saying it was too hard.
My whole world was crashing that night. I went to the gas station after everything with big sunglasses on cause my eyes were already really swollen, and got cigarettes. the guy that works there is my friend just because I go in there so much. I told him I got in a fight, and my g/f left me and he was shocked, but you could tell he didnt know what to say. I broke down outside of the gas station in my car, and he came to change the trash bags outside.
He watched my crying, as I was trying to pull myself together to get home. He kept walking towards me then turning around like he wanted to says something..
What I would've done for a hug and an "it's going to be okay."
It really would've meant so much to me, I dont know if Ive ever needed it more...

My secret is that I need a sign. I need to know if what I'm doing is right. I need a spiritual compass to tell me if I'm going the right direction.

I just need to know who I really am.

I have no idea who I've become.

Jane Adams is such a trashy cunt. Where does she get off? Running out on a cheap restaurant bill, making her agent clean up after her mess by paying the bill 2 days later, and not even tipping until you get shamed into doing it! And when the waiter complains, HE gets fired?! Jane Adams will get bad PR, but in the end she still has tenure at her cushy job. The waiter is now unemployed with a kid to support. Way to go Jane. You sure showed the little guy who's boss. I'm sure you feel so good about yourself. Go you.

i hate middlesbrough. it's shite

In 6 months we can disolve this Short Lived Marriage.
I'll respect your wishes and will not contact You......Call You or Nothing. I said I was sorry I own up to making mistakes. I'm truley sorry for Cheating. Eventually the pain will give way to Happiness. My frowns will become smiles. And you'll be a distant memory.

I dont want to cause Anymore Pain....Yes I'm Hurting Really BAD.... but, this to shall pass.

I'm Sorry for hurting you...........So I guess the Song was wrong we're not "Standing Forever"

I sneak glances at girls when I'm holding my boyfriend's hand.

I am leaving town tomorrow and I wish that I had a chance to talk with you.  I know that I shouldn't expect it with all that has happened, but there is something inside of me that is causing me to hang on to the hope of reconnecting with you,just to talk.

I want to be sure that you are okay and I guess it is not my place to worry, but my feelings for you even as a friend won't go away.  I just can't completely let go.

I don't know what it is that won't allow me to completely let go. I think part of it is because I felt that we were torn apart, instead of willingly parting ways.  I had never experienced a loss of that kind in my life where I felt like I couldn't stop the loss from happening. We went from being so close one minute, to being completely separated.

I am still haunted by your absence.  Sometimes I feel it in the wind, the crisp air, or when I visit a place we used to go, or a song that comes on the radio that reminds me of our time together. I think it is also this time of year when most things are calming for the winter and just last year my heart was awakening with my feelings for you.

So why do I hang on to all of this?  I think it is because I have realized more and more how important it is to acknowledge and be open about my feelings. You are quite a special person who obviously made a big impact on me.  I hope that you still feel that warmth and fondness in your heart.

Four of the six women in my office got married because they were pregnant. Eww. What's worse is they all spoke about it openly during lunch. They had no shame. They thought it was funny. People are screwy.

You only wish and hope I did cheat that way it takes the pressure off you for your infidelity. If everyone says to you how much she loves you...believe them! I believe you could handle being loved so much cuz you cant love so much. You were to ME deserving yet to YOU not worthy. I did love you so much but you would allow me in...then crowded our love with outsiders. I did not have affairs on you Marv....I cant be you even at my worse. I will love and hurt a long time yet I will get passed this. You had a beauiful wife and future but YOU did not trust the process.

If I knew for sure that you wanted me, I'd be ecstatic. I can never really tell with you and that drives me crazy. I've had my suspicions in the past but what good are they without actual knowledge? Vague hints that don't directly come from you aren't much help and I don't think that anybody in their right mind would try to act on something if they weren't sure. I guess I can only assume that you don't care. I don't understand it. I've caught the way you look at me from time and time and I know that I've made my feelings perfectly clear. It'd be heaven to know that you wanted me and to actually hear it from you.

'I love you' is a lie each time it comes out of my mouth.

I had a small glimmer of hope you'd come home 1 Day. But, now I've found out what you did....Nothing can fix this....I still to this very second Love You but, I cant live with the thought you'll repeat your actions again. I surrender you Have Broken Me. So I can finally shut the Door on Us and begin the process of Healing.....No Matter what has Happened it was a Blessing to have had you as a Wife.....Goodbye Playa :(

daddy, everday i look at your facebook and i see how happy you are in your new life and it sickens me. i die everytime i see her and the child that is not even yours that you so dearly love. i will never have the balls to tell you this. so i wrote a poem, that i will also never have the balls to show you. i love you more than you will ever know, but the hurt and pain you cause me everyday... its so unbearable sometimes.

daddy, it hurts to see the look in your eyes when you look at him with that twinkle in your eyes.

daddy, its like you are so proud and everything he does just has to be voiced aloud.

daddy, i try to do the same exact thing, show case myself and make you see.

daddy, but all i ever get is a smile or a nod that indicates your lack of interest.

daddy, i used to think your approval was the only thing that was best.

daddy, i see now that was a grave mistake becuase you have done nothing but make unrest.

daddy, it pains my body to know you dont call when i ask, or respond to my pleas.

daddy, if you really dont want anything to do with me then why dont you just ease your way out like a breeze.

daddy, if i could only make you see, all i want you to do is love me.

daddy, but now that im older i realize that can never be.

daddy, all i wanted in life was for you to love me the way you love them.

daddy, instead of making me feel like a scratched jewel tossed aside and replaced with a newer gem.

daddy, i think i used to have a voice, now i never make a sound.

daddy, sometimes i wish you had never met your wife.

daddy, its breaks my heart to see how happy you are with her.

daddy, you love her child as you have never love me and that slices my heart in two and makes my vision a blur.
daddy, is there something wrong with me?

daddy, why cant you just set me free?

daddy, is there some flaw that is only visible to you?

daddy, all i want to do is be loved by you and cared for by you but i know there is nothing i can do.

daddy, im angered now.

daddy, i came to tell you how.

daddy, theres nothing you can do or say to replace the time you have lost while you were away.

daddy, there is no time machine that can take you back

daddy, you cant back track

daddy, it like you have forgotten how to feel for us.

daddy, i feel im being hit over and over in the gut.

daddy, this feeling is such of a giant bus
colliding with my body and making me fuss.
daddy, be glad you being away has not made me turn to boys for the comfort i did not recieve from you and make me a slut.
daddy, it took you to make me realize

daddy it took you to make me see the lies.

daddy, im not sure if what i feel for you is love.

daddy, what im saying is that ive lost the ability to look above.

daddy, your mistakes are all to clear

daddy, sometimes you make me fear.

daddy, i dont see how you can try to avoid me for so long

daddy, i dont think you comprehend your wrong.

daddy, i cant understand your punishments that you attempt to inflict from so far away.

daddy, you cant just pick and choose when you want to be involved in my life.

daddy, ive given up.

daddy, i feel that the only way to really get your attention is to act out and create unneccessary problems.

daddy, sometimes i wonder why you wont just go away.

daddy, what do i do when its you that is the main source of my pain?

daddy, fate is forever insane.

daddy, if this is fate.

daddy, know i dont hate

(am i just like you imagined?)

I'm so paranoid about you cheating on me that I've cheated on you because I truly had a gut feeling you were cheating on me. Everyone tells me how "deeply in love" you are with me, but honestly...who's true to their lover these days? Who true to anyone these days? It's rare and I hope you haven't cheated on me because one day I'll tell you what I did.

If you confess to cheating on me, I won't feel bad.
If you confess to never cheating on me, I won't believe you.


So either way, I don't feel bad.

p.s. I don't think I have a guilty conscious.

The truest statement about relationships that I ever heard is:

"Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love."

Ergo:

Man, give her love! Woman, give him sex! Relationships are a lot simpler when everybody's happy!

Sometimes I feel like a total sellout. No, I KNOW I'm a sellout. I think I should stop worrying about making money for a second and do something I'm proud of. Fuck it. If it doesn't sell at least I'll have something to show people that I'm not embarrassed about.

I am leaving my boyfriend. I am currently looking for someone to take over the lease to my apartment and moving in with someone else. The funny thing is, he acts like I'm not serious. I've already told him that I want to break up and what I'm doing, but now all of the sudden he is out looking for jobs and acting like nothing is going on. "The project boyfriend never works out." So true. If only I was his therapist and not his girlfriend, but I can't be both.

You can't ignore your problems in a relationship. After a point there is no way to fix it anymore.

I inherited $400,000 a year ago,m and I am basically broke today

I did some very hurtful things I'm sorry for Causing any Pain & Sorrow.....:(

I used to check to see if, maybe, you would ever leave me a clandestine message letting me know if you felt anything for me.  Anything. Lust, love (ha, ha), like, or just something in between. I always secretly hoped that one day you would give me an inkling as to what was going on inside your head, you secretive prick.

Now... I just don't give a shit. I don't even really have much to say to you anymore. Even returning your emails with a polite, chit-chatty response is laborious. It's not that I don't like you as a person. I do.  I'm just bored with you. And the urge to fuck you has thoroughly passed.  You had your chance many times before.  Sorry.  I just don't want to fuck you.  Next!

I would give up almost anything, just to have you back with me. I know I shouldn't give a damn and I pretend that I'm fine, but truthfully there is not an hour that goes by that I don't think of you.

I found a website with lots of videos of men swallowing semen - out of a woman's mouth or pussy, off her body, or right from another man's cock. I'm so drawn to it and turned on. I've done all of those things, as well as swallowed my own cum when I jack off. I'm more attracted to women than men, as far as dating, but everyday, I fantasize about sucking another man's cock until my mouth is full of his cum.

I do hurt and all I wanted was for you to make this pain go away. You created it and yet treat me as I hurt you. No your wife will never return she is gone forever so live with that as I have to live with the fact you put ur dick in others as i knew you have...i tasted your deceit! You built this mountain of pain I didn't! I did nothing but loved you. you can cry i left you twice before  for whatever reasons but I came back. You pushed me away because you were fighting with your own guilt now you use this as your excuse...a lame one indeed. If your wife left you for another man during those times I can accept those excuses but she left you because of you! Stop riding my wave and get your own...loser!

I have no intention of actually going to Los Angeles.

I want to fuck you so fucking much but I can't...will do eventually though...I need it.

I have neva hurt so bad before...there is no fixing this! I am just really realizing that! I just wanted you to take the pain away and yet you continuously intentially try to hurt me...why? I can only pray day by day I can get past this hurt til it fades away! You need to fess up and take blame and stop trying to pass the buck! The sad part is I think you actually believe your own lies...you got lost in you own web of craziness.

I pray for others more than i do for myself.

I hope your soul aches for me forever! you fucked around on me (your wife) with several different scanks. Way before i found out I already knew why do you think I left you asshole! blame it on my leaving...18 hrs to leave one way and i came back 2 times thinking you would change. Because I love my husband with all that I am...until you actualy admitted to me you not only fucked her but fucked me in the same day! you are triffling decietful mean ugly asshole! I wish to never hear you are see your face again! Your loser ass doesnt deserve the class that rides in me. You lucked out even capturing me for the moment and you couldnt hold on to it. By the way the sex was only as good as I made it...you sux! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on gallop you way back to loserville and give me my divorce!

Ps. A true playa never brings the shyt to the home! And when you cheat cheat with something equal or better becuz now i look at you thinking is that his calaber wow was i in the wrong place...thought i knew! Whew! glad i only invested 7mos this could have really been bad...i can still clean up the mess i made of myself now that i brushed away all the scum and dirt.

I leave hickeys when I want to know if someone is being monogamous with me.  If they protest to a clothing-hidden hickey, there's usually a reason.

I love you and I can't wait to marry you... I am finally happy and it is only because of you.

I'd love to have somebody to trust. I wish like anything that I could trust you. It wouldn't hurt if you'd love me too.

This morning, like any other morning, I walked the 15-20 minute walk to my college bus. Except this morning, it was different. I felt that someone was following me, but being a normally pretty paranoid person, I completely dismissed the feeling. I mean, I can't keep looking behind every 5 seconds! Anyway, a few minutes later I still felt I was being followed, so I turned my head a little to the right to take a glimpse behind. I saw a shadow. But again, I dismissed the idea that it might be someone following me and decided that it was just someone that happened to be on the same street as me and was just passing by.

I was wrong.

Suddenly and with no warning or sound at ALL, I felt someone grab my ass! I turned behind in a second, but it was too late. He was already in full sprint and I didn't even see his face. There were only 3 other people on the street, they saw, they did nothing. I stood there feeling my heart pounding so hard. Then, I began to cry.

how rude of you!! just when i thought we were getting closer.... tisk tisk....

My husband drinks too much.  It's getting old.

Random text message I just received from my sister:  

I just applied anal itch cream whilst sitting at my desk at work.  No one was the wiser.

I can't believe we are related......


OMG- Update on the anal itch text:

"Surprisingly my finger does not smell like butthole because said cream is scented..."

I need a hug, a good hard cry, and some passionate love making to help me forget about my problems. Not necessarily in that particular order, of course.

I can't understand people who talk about and look forward to watching reality shows. But I fear that as time passes, I too will get into them through a combination of peer pressure at work and a need to forget how miserable life has become. Conformity & escapism are awfully tempting when you're losing hope.

daily drudgery, suppresses intelligence, too busy to read.

If in fact that message is from you, I am now quite concerned.  I don't understand what you are talking about.

I really wish I could see you...

You left Me the 1st time and took my Soul....You left the 2nd time and took my sh*t.....As I begin to Accept your Gone for a 3rd time......I'm Deeply Saddend with the Thought of Knowing....You took any chances We had to be Happy....And You Can't Come Back....3 Strikes and Your OUT.

Funny thing is After All You've taken from Me..........I Still Adore & Love My Wife :(

I want to go home... and not the house...I meann...being in your arms....like we used to talk about..my home was with you. And I feel homeless and I have for the last year or so. I love you.

There are two guys in my life right now.
1. Nice enough, but young, great in bed and all around decent guy, but there is no chance that I'd want to date him no matter how wet I get thinking about him.
2. Totally twitterpated over him, but terrified of letting him know (like it is with all crushes I have ever had).  Sadly he smokes cigarettes and pot and I am pretty sure he drinks a fair bit too, but I get on with him really well and just truly enjoy spending time with him.

I don't know if this is a secret, but it's frustrating as hell.  I wish I could somehow mold the two of them together and pull the bad parts into one guy I didn't like and the good parts into one awesome guy.
*sigh*

I am in love with my boyfriend more then I ever have been with another man, I think it could be " the one". I wish I was a better girlfriend because he deserves better then me.

i think i want to cheat on her. somehow i feel it will make me treat her better cozz of the guilt.

Sometimes I think that I'm better off where I'm at, no matter how crappy it is. What's the use in trying? I already know for a fact that you lie infinitely more than he does.

Forgive me if I'm not calling you my friend.  I had some positively awful contact with someone you know. I can't be certain, but I don't think you are aware of all that has been going on. I only have pleasant thoughts about you though and hope things improve for you.

My boyfriend is in the military.  He's been away for over 6 months now.

I'm a virgin and we've both decided that we've been together for many years, are planning to get married, and it's time for us to have sex for the first time.

I'm nervous and excited and have butterflies in my stomach.  And I'm so happy and in love...it's incredible!

Except I think I just felt myself getting cramps.  Ya know...period cramps.

Why.  Seriously...why now?  Why am I getting cramps a week early?  This isn't fair!!  I just wanted to enjoy this time with him.  And now I'll be cranky and PMSing and my stomach will hurt and I'll be bloated.  I won't be able to get comfortable in bed because I'll be afraid I'm going to leak and I won't be able to feel sexy and horny to even want to give him a blow job.

WHY?!  

My hero deserves a good homecoming.  All he is gunna get is a cranky, bloated, irritable girlfriend who won't be even taking her pants off once the entire week he's home.

FML.

I'm not sure anyone really knows when they're happy. When they have it all, and still not sure if it's enough... I'm not sure. Based on how I feel about my ex, I'm way happy now! Based on how you make me feel, I wonder. Never forget though that it's only the idea of you that I love. If I were really with you, I think I'd go crazy after a while. Yup, I'm happy.

Sometimes when I go for a jog, I end up pooping in the woods.

Can't believe I just said that. But that's what happens. Some mornings I can't seem to go when I'm at my house.  But 20 minutes into my jog and it's suddenly an emergency.

Ha, my husband wonders why I tend to always run on the woody trails instead of around the streets with houses in our neighborhood. I doubt the neighbors would appreciate me pooping on their lawns. lol!

I'm sitting alone in my best friend's dorm room right now. Ostensibly I'm waiting for her to come back so I don't have to leave her door unlocked. And waiting for a YouTube video to load. And watching South Park.

But really I'm delaying returning to my dorm because I wasn't there when I said I would be and I'm not ready to know whether he cared or not.

I love my ex boyfriend.

I don't know how to do this dating stuff.

It's easy when you're cuddling on the astronomy field at 5 AM, but in the light of day, how do you make time for someone in your schedule, articulate what you want from the relationship, avoid labels and categories and routines (like "You didn't call me last night," and "Are you my boyfriend or what?"), and deal with the thousand other changes that come with suddenly being in a relationship?

And when you're two people who avoid social contact and aren't accustomed to taking the lead, how do you make the relationship more than a middle-school-esque, blushes and eye contact and occasional hand-holding and nothing more affair?

This feels just like middle school all over again. Ugh.

How is this so easy for some people?

I just wish I could be a normal pregnant lady with all the same things they have. I wish I had someone to be here for me when I'm feeling depressed or start crying for no reason. I wish you were here to just hug me and tell me it's going to be ok. I wish you were here for me to yell at so I won't start yelling at everyone else. But no, you're 3 hours away playing with your friends and hardly giving me any support at all.

I hope you pay more attention to our daughter than you are doing to me right now....because I don't want her to grow up feeling neglected like I do right now. So stop being such a fucking douche bag and start acting like a father.

I cry for each one of you; but I store it up and do it all at once at night when I am drinking alone.  At work, I'm stoic and cold as hell and just sign the death certificates/discharge summaries/orders/daily notes.  I'm sure all the nurses and techs and etc. think I'm just a cold bitch - but I take it all home with me.  I sabotage all my close relationships so I won't really lose anyone someday.  

I hate being a doctor

I miss my Dad so much that if I really think about it, it takes all of about 5 seconds to bring me to tears....thankfully I can and do always keep a grip in public when the topic comes up so nobody would imagine, but....rather than getting better over time it seems to get worse....

I'm finding that I tend to focus on the size of my male preceptors' hands and fingers when I discuss stuff with them.  How bad is that.

When I started 9th grade, I had just changed schools and had not really made any friends yet. The new high-school had a rotating schedule that changed the order of your classes daily and the school was much bigger than the one I had come from. I had problems finding things on time, even went into the wrong class once. Everyone laughed, of course. Everyone staring.

On the second day I panicked. I started sweating. I mean REALLY sweating. I felt it trickling down my sides. My clothes were starting to look WET. Arms clenched to my sides, I left class without asking, put on my overcoat and found a bathroom. I had talc in my purse. I nearly stripped and tried to put it on my body to soak up the sweat. It didn't work. Now I just had talc all over everything in addition to being soaked in sweat that REEKED OF PANIC. White handprints on my jacket. Balled up talcum powder falling to the floor. And the sweat just kept coming. I mean there was no covering up this smell. It was the pure, unadulterated scent of insanity. And it was POURING out of me. It was like someone had hit me with a hose. A SMELLY hose filled with...well, with fear.

I just couldn't face going back to class. Besides, I had no idea where I was supposed to be now. I left school. Just walked out. Walked the 5 or so miles home. Never told a soul what happened.

Funny, I remember that moment so well over 20 years later, but I can barely remember anything about last year and it was the best of my life. Memory sure is cruel sometimes...

I feel helpless when my sister calls. I feel like there is  nothing that I can do to make her situation better.

I will constantly be on the edge of my seat to read Jon and Kate gossip.  

Do I admire them?  Nooooo.  Are they extremely entertaining since they've both become public fuck-ups?  Yeeeesssss!

Look, I have kids of my own - so watching my nightmare times 4 on TLC (I kid - I actually do love my two monsters :-D ) was never a big draw for me.  Watching two grown adults go from being in love to driving each other into the ground?  Massively wonderful.

Take the kids out of the equation and just do a reality show on how petty Jon and Kate can get.  That would make me smile for an hour every week.

Most people would never know that I jive on stuff like this.  :-D

Today I took a totally menial job working in retail cosmetic girly foo foo land. I am closer to aged grunge grrl. But I've been out of work for 7 months and having an MA and 1/2 a PhD means non of the usual suspects (walmart, target, etc) will even look twice at me. My last professional job was in the automotive finance industry and we all know how well THEY'RE doing these days. SO back to retail hell I go. It's next door to a nice coffee shop, so I plan to spend my days high on narcotics or caffeine, alternately.

I pushed you away when you pushed for a relationship knowing you were unstable, it wasn't right and likely would have been a mess....warning signs can be a saver as I surely managed to avoid excess stress and heartache with you, but not completely as it had been and was laying in wait to be a part of my life again.....feels like I'm failed/cursed/doomed with the same bs surfacing in different forms in my life....

Sometimes signs aren't there, things change, manifest or somehow explode along the way which doesn't seem fair, but as I've followed my instincts and heart for the most part, my life has to be meant to be about this miserable where I'm either totally alone or generally have, draw or are drawn to people imbalanced, unstable and unhealthy for....

I so try to...have to be grounded and sound, but it's exhausting to not have a single person in my world able to take that role for me in turn too.....

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My heart is lonely. It has been for most, if not all, of my life. I'm tired of walking alone amongst a crowd and not being able to find something of myself reflected in another person. I need my soulmate. I wish he'd come to me and fill this emptiness.

I called my Mary-Kay lady to make an order. The machine picked up.

Me: Hi Denise, I need an order of Ivory 104, if you can drop it off at my house that would be great......I love you............wait...I mean...

*cough*

*sputter*

*panic*

*hangs up*

Denise:  Nothing. Ever again. I'm pretty sure her girlfriend didn't approve of my "mistake".



After a couple of weeks, I opened the phone book and got a new Mary Kay lady. The first thing I did was tell her about the other Mary Kay representative and what happened. She was completely unflappable. Smile stayed frozen. Blank stare. Then she continued right on about the fall line. It was like she was a Stepford Wife. Like her brain said "Does not compute. Ignore statement and move on".

Perfect. Someone I can't offend no matter what comes out of my stupid mouth. Maybe I should tell her I love her though, just to see what happens...

I'm sad when I'm with you.
You don't know how close I am to breaking up with you.

I wish I knew which way to go. Doing something right is not easy...at all. I need to be accepted- I need friends. This is something I've worked for my entire life, and now when I get it, one thing I really need is pushing it away.

D, you're one of my best friends now, and I always thought we could be something more. But my friends can't stand you (and I can't for the life of me understand why). I need you in my life.

I'm trying my damnedest to save you from getting hurt, and I'm trying to keep what we've got going alive. I'm willing to turn over everything I've worked towards for you. Please don't make me regret it.

the way you held my hand and looked in my eyes today brought back those feelings that made me love you, stop messing with my head. i missed you though, i will admit that. just let me try to be happy with my boyfriend and you with yours. even though it kills me still, sometimes...you'll always be my best friend

Today after I got out of work I took the train like I always do to go home. It took a really long time to come. When it arrived it was really packed but some people got out so I rushed in. It got really packed again and off it went. I was stuck in the middle of a bunch of people and in front of me was a cute blond young woman who I was really close to. The train picked up speed and got really bumpy so I was rubbing against her ass all the way. She noticed and liked it because she started moving her ass back and forth and my dick got real hard and started poking her ass. She started rubbing even more and when she felt the train was about to slow down she bent over a little and the force of the train pushed me towards her and I squeezed in between her tight ass cheeks and my dick felt her pussy. She clenched a little and I came in my boxers so much like I never have it was really crazy. I think she felt when I came because at that moment I kinda thrusted into her a little bit. That was the hottest train ride of my life. I left the train and as I was walking I felt my cum dripping down my thighs.

I had sex with a man while I was on the clock at work-third shift,I didn't know him as well as I should have.He is cute and he was drunk and I needed/wanted sex.He came onto to me.The next night again he tried for sex after accusing me of having an std,that he supposedly heard about from someone else.I am clean and I know this,I just got tested.He said he'd sue me and the hotel if he got anything.But we both consented to sex the night before(yes I went to his room).He was drunk again.I refused him and made sure he got safely to his room.I found out today that his dad is the lawyer for a co worker.He might have spilled the secret that we had sex,but I don't know,I don't think he told.He was supposed to leave yesterday morning but he didn't.Apparently he leaves in the morning(I hope).Now I am afraid that he will tell and then I will lose my job.Or that he will have sex with another girl and get something and blame it on me,yes he does have my number,because he overheard me giving it to a friend over the work phone.I would erase this if I could.

I miss you. I loved you for the 7 days we had together. I know my name. I know yours. You have my number. We left the camp 4 mo. ago. I wanna give up but..... I,I just can't.I look for someone new everyday, and if Mr.Right doesnt come around by the end of senior year I'm Screwed.
If you read this Blake, I want u to know, I need you.

Sometimes I wish that I was kinder, gentler, and more feminine in the way that I speak to people or show affection but it just doesn't come naturally to me, which is kind of embarrassing. I guess cooking for people is the only way that I feel comfortable showing traditional womanly affection. I'm a weirdo.

thats right i just told u 2 fuck off and u know what, i don't regret it at all.

I find myself on my knees praying a lot lately.  I hope my prayers get answered.

I am not sure how I would have handled seeing you all together as one happy family tonight. For reasons beyond my control, I couldn't go.  Perhaps it is better after all.

It would have been hard for me to mask my true feelings when in your presence. I would have been nice, friendly and distant as needed to keep it comfortable, but I would have been thinking about how much I wanted to be sitting and talking with you. Isn't it sad how distant we have become?

I %$^&ing HATE cancer.

please god, someone help me, someone save me from this.......

im seeing a guy hes great and nice but i have the biggest sexual attraction to his friend every time i think about all i want to is rip his clothing off ahhh

When I was 15 I decided I wanted to try cocaine. so I called up a friend and he delivered it to my house. I paid him with money my mom had given me. Id never done it before or even watched anyone do it, Id jus been around people that were on it.
So I set up lines and snorted'em all night until I had none left. I loved the numb feeling in my teeth and the bad taste in the back of my throat. Paranoia was a feeling of comfort.
I remember that night I walked through my living room at like 4am to get a drink and I didnt see my mom on the couch. She asked me what I was doing, I said getting something. I remember so clearly, jumping when I saw her, my eyes so fucking wide and black, grinding my teeth, looking everywhere at once, and my mom stared for a minute and said 'aight goodnight' and went to bed.
I did cocaine for a lil more than a year, both my parents unknowingly paid for my habit. Im 5'7, 5'8, and weighed about 100 - 105. No one ever asked if something was wrong. no one offered to help and Ive always been so bitter about it.
I really understand now that I was a stupid kid who put myself into something JUST so that someone else could pull me back out. That someone, in my mind no doubt, was going to be one of sisters. the sister that used to be my bestfriend, but got her own life and forgot about me. I missed her and I wanted to show her how badly I still needed her. but she never came to my rescue.
I quit by myself and never felt so proud after being so into it, because I really had no motivation to quit, other than knowing that that stuff is no good. which isnt really motivation at all. Quitting by myself finally turned into a big "Fuck YOU" to my sister, and turned into me proving myself that I DIDNT need her.
So I did all that to myself, by myself.
such a stupid kid. just finally felt like telling that lovely lil cocaine story.
19/f