best


31978.

I have tried to bend my dick around and stick it in my own asshole.  For some reason God decided to make this impossible.  Guess I'll have to keep getting other men to put their dicks in me.  Good plan God.


31971.

My first wife is actually my second wife only she doesn't know it.  When I was 22 in physical age and prolly 5 in mental age, I foolishly married a woman on a whim.  It lasted only a few months.  It was so insignificant compared to how I feel about my wife now, that I honestly forget sometimes I was married before.

I love you, L.


31969.

I'll bet once the curtain is closed, Bill won't even vote for Hillary.


31918.

I was impregnated by God.  Really!  Well sort of...

I took one of the preg tests where you pee on the stick and wait a few minutes for the results.  It came back negative.  I was bummed.  I threw everything away and being Sunday morning, I went to church.  A few hours later I'm back home and throwing out the trash. On top of the pile is the pregnancy stick.  Only now it says I am pregnant!

God and my husband are the only men I spoke to in the interim.  My husband swears he didn't do it to me while we were at church.  So....


31904.

If I owned a gun, Comcast would be paying out a lot of employee's death benefits.


31876.

My husband shows more enjoyment and is much more vocally expressive when he is eating than when we are making love.


31814.

We go through 4 cases of wine every month in this house. That is 48 bottles.  

Let's see... there's my 8 year old daughter.  But you don't get a Girl Scout badge for drinking, so she's not having any.

There's my 9 year old son.  But he is more of a chocolate milk fanatic, so no wine for him.

Then there's me and my wife.

Wow, 48 bottles a month between us...  oh wait a sec... I don't drink.

Which means my wife drinks all that wine herself every month.  But she doesn't have a problem.  I've asked her, she insists someone else must be drinking some too.

Oh, I forgot... we have a dog.  Bet that's it.


31785.

My weirdest moment:  I once had deja vu about having deja vu!


31776.

When my wife points out I made an error, I say, "Oh sorry, I must have mis-spoke."

When I point out my wife made an error, she says, "Oh sorry, you must have mis-heard me."

Subtle difference, but enough to destroy a marriage.


31765.

i let guys fuck me and make them think i dont mind but i do

i let guys who i dont want to touch me fuck me just so they can leave me alone.

I hate hearing that i've givin them their best bj ever. It makes me feel filthy that i should even have that talent

I hate seeing little girls with their fathers and being happy and scorn those who brag about being givin things from their fathers because i grew up knowing my father left before i was born because he didnt want me. I still dont even know his name so i can never find him

my mother was too busy getting drunk drugged up and laid to notice me even when her friend would lock me in a room every week and touched me when i was little and hit me when i told her because she believed her supplier wud never do that when he had her.

i got drunk for the first time when i was 15 and was raped that night by a 29 yr old. all through the night till i couldnt move the next morning. that was how i lost my virgintiy

i was so depressed when i was 17 that i allowed myself to get married when i didnt love him and didnt want to get married. he never knew

the only time i cry is in the shower so no one can tell

i hate the fact that some of the guys who hit on my lil sister are the guys i've already have fucked and when she tells them that they look and act embarressed and shamed to have touched me.

i developed early and was called a slut and whore all through junior high and high school even when i hadnt seen my first dick till i was 15 and then i started to becoming the whore everyone already thought i was because i gave up trying to prove them wrong

i feel empty and so alone and jsut want to end the pain but i can't because i could never leave my lil sister with the memory that her older sister was a whore and on top of that too much of a coward to deal with life.


31702.

What the fuck is wrong with these companies?

A few years ago I noticed as I think we all did that companies were putting restrictions on the password you choose to access their website.  Back in the day, it used to be ok to have a 4 digit password.  That gave way to a 6 digit password and then an 8 digit password.  That is a pain because now in some places I use my 4 digit password, in other places my  6 digit password and in yet other places I need to remember to use my 8 digit password.

But they didn't stop there.  Some sites started requiring a number be embedded in the 8 digits.  More headache.

Now I've come across the worst company of all, DELL.  To use their technical forums:

- You need 8 digits.
- One must be a number.
- At least one digit must be in upper case.
- At least one digit must be in lower case.
- AND you can't have any three digits duplicated within the password!!

Hey DELL, I understand completely.  It is so super important that you make sure no one's password gets hacked.  Imagine what would happen if someone did figure out my password. My god, the chaos!  I shudder to think about it, but if someone figured out my password, they might be able to pose a technical question on the Dell Forum in my name!!!  Oh the horror!!!  

I mean forget that my bank account requires only 4 digits as a password with no restrictions.  Criminals aren't interested in my money.  No, tantamount to a criminal is to steal a user's account so they can ask the DELL forum if the new laptops have 256k RAM or 512k RAM.  Thank god you slowed them down.  Bet you funded that extra password protection with a grant from the Homeland Security Department.

(DELL, I think you guys are idiots.)

My secret:  I work for DELL.


31540.

I once had a conversation with a woman ..... which led to a fight and some angry words .....  which made her cry .....  which made me apologize .....  which led to her forgiving me and us making up.  

This whole process took about 15 minutes and all the while ..... we were fucking.  Never once did I stop thrusting into her.


31488.

Things I have learned from watching porno movies:

- All men have a 10 inch penis
- All women like to have sex with other women.
- More than anything,  women love to swallow
- All women wear makeup to bed
- Women do not have tan lines
- Most women have a tattoo
- Women get stopped a lot for speeding, but never get a ticket
- Babysitters are worth every penny
- All women like it in the back door
- Women don't mind when a stranger peers in the window
- Women never have periods
- Asian men do not exist


31436.

My husband tiptoes through life, afraid to be noticed, as if someone might ask him to leave.


31432.

CRAPPIEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE:

I met a woman on the day she had an abortion. She lived in the apartment next to a friend I stopped by to visit.  She was hobbling a bit in the hallway.  Me, Mr. Chivalry, helped pick up her newspaper and brought it into her apartment.  We started talking.  She seemed so sad.  I thought maybe she had broken up with her boyfriend.  Experience told me a fuck was possible in these situations.  I kept talking with her. After about an hour, she told me why she was hobbling and why she was sad - because of the abortion that morning.

I became so caring.  We continued talking. I asked about the guy.  He was a one night stand.  He had no idea she was pregnant.  I gave her my concerned look of empathy and held her hand.  My brain was saying BINGO, she has one night stands.  I'm gonna get laid!  I went in her fridge and poured us some wine.

Then I started to circle in for the kill.

I asked all about the guy.  I told her he was a shit.  I told her she needed to meet someone like me.  A caring person who would never abandon her.  A guy like me would stick around through thick and thin.

I told her not to let the situation affect her.  She should continue to feel good about herself.  This happens to many people.  

I really poured it on thick.  How I think so much of her.  How I admired her courage.   How I understand why she had to get an abortion.  It wasn't her fault.

I told her I really loved who she was as a person.  I told her maybe I was falling for her.  (I had known her for two hours at this point.)

The best thing, the absolute best thing is to get past it right away. I told her it's like riding a horse, if you fall off, you need to get right back on.  It would be important for her psyche to have sex again right away, today, now.  That's the best medicine.

She told me the doctor cautioned her not to have intercourse for a week.

I kissed her.  She kissed me back.  I suggested she give me a blow job.

So she did.  

I never saw her again.


31341.

People are weird.  

For example, I have always hated my desk chair.  One of the wheels was stuck, so whenever I tried to roll slightly to the side to reach for something, the chair would instead pivot around the stuck wheel.  So annoying.  And what's more, there was a slight rip in the seat fabric.  U.G.L.Y.!

But I didn't want to tell my boss because I didn't want to look like a complainer.  And how is getting me a new chair going to make the company more profits?  It's not.  So I've been putting up with it.

Finally last week, I had enough. I came up with a solution.  I made a point of staying late until everyone else had left for the night.  Then I carried my chair (note it wouldn't even help me out by rolling correctly!), so I carried my chair to a different department one floor down.  That's where I did a switcheroo.  He he!  Problem solved and some poor schlomo in the New Accounts section could now deal with it!

I thought that was the end of it.

Ha!  No such luck.

Two days ago, my friend a few cubicles over started complaining her chair had been stolen.  And in its place someone had left an old broken down thing.  I looked closely-- a stuck wheel-- a slight tear in the fabric!  It was my chair!! It had come back!!!  What a louse in New Accounts.  He couldn't even deal with the chair for more than a few days.  The bugger pulled the old reverse switcheroo.

I felt so bad for my friend and so guilty that I offered her my chair.

And now I am sitting back where I guess I belong-- in my broken down chair.  

People are weird-- and yes I'm at the top of the list!


31240.

If you take my weight and add to it the weight of my 6 year old son and my 4 year old daughter, together we still weigh less than my wife.


31210.

What if God is just messing with us?


31161.

One weekend, I was going to do some work around the house, so I headed on up to the hardware store for a few supplies.  While there,  I overheard the guy behind the counter mentioning to one of his coworkers that he was selling his 3 year old Jeep on Ebay.  As I listened to him talk about it, I though hmmm, that could be cool.   I've always wanted a Jeep to play with on the weekends.  

After I left the store, I saw right there in the parking lot was the Jeep with a For Sale sign saying to inquire within for more details.  I don't know much about cars, but I looked it over.  No dings or scratches.

When I got home, I looked it up on Ebay.  The opening required bid was $9,000 which was fair according to The Blue Book value.  Nobody had bid on it yet - but there was still 5 days to go on the auction.  

Everyday I looked on Ebay to follow the progress.  Nothing.  No one was bidding at all.  I thought great.  Maybe I'll get lucky and be able to pick it up at the $9,000.

Sure enough.  The final day came around.  I waited until about 1 minute before the auction was over and put in my bid.  As easy as that, I won.  Cool.

That afternoon I went up to the hardware store and when I saw the guy at the register, I opened the conversation by saying I was following his car auction on Ebay.  He gave me a "what the f**k" kind of stare.  And he was suddenly indignant.  He actually said to me, as best as I can remember, "What are you, some kind of stalker?  Why the hell are you following my auction.  What business is it of yours how much I sell my car for?  You some kind of town gossip?  You always stick your nose in other people's business?"

I didn't say another word and left the store.  For the next two weeks I received email after email from the seller asking me to make payment.  He of course didn't know it was me.  I was just some anonymous internet ID.  I ignored every one of his emails.

In the end, he gave up.  I saw the car parked in front of the hardware store for another 4 months with the For Sale sign in the window.  The asking price of $9000 became $8500 became $8000.  The last price I saw was $6500.

I was never so satisfied to see a guy take it on the chin.


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