My intestines make the worst noises.  Not that I am passing gas or anything, but internal to my intestines there are these gurgling sounds going flub dub dub dub dub ALL THE TIME.

As a woman, it leaves me very embarassed.  Especially there was this one time I was watching a play.  The audience was sitting there silently as the actor on stage was saying something tender -  when all of a sudden - FLUB DUB DUB DUB DUB DUB.

OMG, it was so loud I swear the actor lost his concentration for a moment and looked over in my direction - as did half the people in the theater! I thought I was going to die!

I wonder if I went to China, would I see Asian women with adopted white kids?

I once accidentally dropped my vibrator in the toilet. The image usually pops into my head when I'm using the vibrator. This is not a good thing.

Nobody has ever fucked me as well as your husband does.

ive grown up in a great christian home. my dad is a pastor. but im not the normal rebellious preachers kid. im actually a really good preachers kid. im 19. ive kept christian morals and values really close to me. and i tried my best to abide by the rules. ive always made my parents proud. ive always been the girl that everyone looked up to. saving my virginity for my husband has been one of the most important things to me. a week ago, i lost my virginity. and im not married. to top that, its with a man who is a bit older than me. a man who my family would not approve of. and i want to say i love him. but im afraid i dont really know.

im ashamed. and im scared that if i tell anyone they would look at me differently. and i would no longer be that girl that they could be so proud of.

i know that i shouldnt care about what others think. and i definitely know im not perfect. and that people dont expect me to be. i guess im just used to being the good christian girl that no one could ever see doing wrong.

its hard to be a preachers kid. so many pressures of what i have to be. and what i have to represent. not only do i have pressures from how i have to be at school, work but i have to be that perfect kid at church. all eyes are watching me. i feel like if i stumble i will embarrass not only me but my family. but, let me remind you thats how i feel. my parents would never be ashamed of me. even when im ashamed of myself.

my birthday was a couple of months ago and my parents gave me a 'true love waits' ring. i thought i really was going to wait. now i feel like a hypocrite because i still wear that ring.

I fix my lover's typos and grammatical errors on his emails before I send them to my friend to read.

Sometimes while driving, I finger my wife.

Sometimes while driving, if the traffic becomes congested and requires my full attention, I ask my wife to take over the fingering.  She does.

I think the best part of any opera or symphony performance is the intermission.

LOL! My husband uses the Astroglide on the squeaky doors.  When my son saw him doing this, my husband explained this was a special oil to make things slide smoothly.  

"Especially the back door, " he said while looking over at me,  "You always needs to use extra on the back door."

Secret #1:  Once when working at the office really late into the night, I masturbated at my desk and having no where else to put "it", I let loose in my starbucks cup which was half filled with cold coffee from much earlier in the day.

Secret #2:  About an hour later, now completely tired and in need of caffeine, I took a few sips of the cold coffee before I remembered what I had done.

(I can't believe I'm telling people this!)

I piggyback off my neighbors wireless signal. Thanks for all the porn. Good luck when the cops knock on your door.

I have no respect for blue collar workers. I think they got what they deserved for goofing off in High School.

I happen to know God has a sweet tooth. Dark chocolate chip walnut cookies. Lemon squares with kiwi jam filling. Pumpkin cookies with white chocolate chunks.

And I know two other things. My mother was such a good baker and God is selfish.

My wife once insisted I cut down a tree in our yard because there was a crack in the bark which looked like a vagina. We told people the tree was getting old.

When I was a little boy I would spend some weekends with my grandparents.  

I remember on sunday mornings Grandpa would wake early.  He and I would climb into his big-ole buick and head to town.  We always stopped at this old Italian Bakery...There was always an old man working in the front (maybe the owner).  He spoke broken english...Grandpa called him Mr. Nick.  

We would buy one loaf of bread in a brown paper bag...Unsliced.  Grandpa would hand it to me while he paid Mr. Nick.  I remember the bag was hot... hot enough I had to shift the bag from one hand to the other like a hot potato.

We would then drive around tearing chunks off that loaf of bread and eating it... Grandpa would drive slow, looking around and taking everything in...he seemed so happy on those sunday mornings. He would get such a kick out of me asking if I could have some more.  It was soooo hot and delicious.  

Usually, By the time we got home there would be just enough left to make two slices for Grandmas breakfast.  

Every now and then I will walk past a bakery...the smell of baking bread brings it all back...

A simpler time...

A happier time...

  I miss you Grandpa

Bobby

Candy bars have gotten smaller.  Yeah, I've gotten bigger.  But still, candy bars have gotten smaller.

My trophy wife is starting to tarnish.

My mother taught me to drive.  My father taught me to drink.

Now that's team work!  

(M / 26 / 2 DUIs)