I've had dozens of heart attacks.  And several brain tumors.  TB, the uncurable kind. Appendicitis. Blot clots in my lungs. Pancreatic cancer which tends to kill you in a matter of weeks. Bone cancer, very painful. Sharp objects perforating my intestines. Hepatitis after eating bad shellfish. And AIDS, plenty of AIDS.

As you can see, hypochondria keeps me very busy.

My husband brings cookies on his exercise walk.

You will think me nuts, but one time I bid against myself on ebay. It happened where some kindly sounding older gentleman artist from West Virginia was selling a table made out of a tree root.  He explained in his blurb how he supports himself through his art.  He seemed so nice. And I thought it was a cool piece of art as well as being functional, so I bid on it.  But no one else did.  I felt bad for the guy.  He put his soul into making this thing and it must have pained him to see nobody was bidding.  So I created another ID and bid it up against myself to $100.  I thought that was fair.  Really it should have cost way more, but I still wanted to feel like I got a bargain so we were both winners.  When you think about it, for $100 I saved a man's self esteem.  That was well worth the price.  My little way of making the world a better place.

My ex "live-in" girlfriend's father would come to visit quite often.  I would usually hear about the upcoming visit at the breakfast table... the day of... She would usually say something like "Dad is coming over today...we are going to the mall and then to ...bla bla bla.

I thought nothing of it.  He was a nice old guy.  I actually kind of liked him.  However, I started to notice a pattern.  Each time he would visit (without fail) I would get a call at work.  It would be my girlfriend.  She would say something like "what are you doin?"  "well ok, just wanted to say hi".  Strange, pointless calls...

I could never quite figure why she would be checking to see that I am at work when she is running around with her dad.  

Years later... long after her and I split-up... I ran into one of her girlfriends.  I quickly asked how Lisa was doing and I asked about her Dad.  The friend looked at me funny and said "you know hes not really her Dad...dont you?"  

WOW... WTF?

I'd pay more for a silent vibrator.  A lot more.

This past spring, my wife would have sex on Mondays.  That worked out best given her television viewing schedule.  She doesn't know if Mondays will work this fall.  She needs to see what the networks have in their new lineup.  She tells me I'll have to wait and see.

I'm still not sure how it worked out this way where the timing and frequency of my sex life is determined by corporate men in suits sitting in a conference room over at Rockerfeller Center.

I once had a 10 minute conversation with my sister in law where she had just come out of the shower and had a towel wrapped around her.  Seemingly no big deal because I'm sure she figured you can't see anything with a towel like that.  Except she maybe was forgeting that she was on a balcony and I was one flight below in the yard looking up at her the whole time.  I had a full view.  I could even tell she had a landing strip trimmed into her pubes. I have whacked off to that vision 100 times since.

So we're all on this watery rock circling around a huge ball of fire flying through endless nothingness. Now explain to me again why I get stressed out about my job?

a few weeks ago i got into a car accident while making an exit off a ramp, I signaled

I looked

I did everything like normal

A motorcycle was in my blind spot and as I slowed to make the exit to obey the posted speed

he crashed into the rear of my car

he and his passenger were thrown and tumbled from the bike

so many people stopped to help them I ran over to the scene and I saw the driver sit up

that was the last time he'd ever do that

I sat and wailed alone on the side of the road and watched in absolute horror, and disbelief

The medivac and ambulance came

and when the cop finally did come to take my testimony he had no patience for my speech impairment which worsens under stress

I tried to nudge his shirt so he wouldnt walk away from me

then he started screaming at me NEVER EVER TO TOUCH A POLICE OFFICER and he was charging me with an unsafe lane change

I didn't even get to say my story

he didn't even look at where the motorcycle hit

I wasn't driving unsafely

I was obeying the rules, it is my opinion that the motorcycle shouldn't have been in my blind spot, NOR been going so fast on an exit ramp.

I was obeying the law.

Now I have to go to trial and I can't afford a lawyer.

I GRIEVE for this man, who is dead now, and their entire family, and the wife who is seriously injured. Them and all of their friends blame me and they'll try to clean me for all of the nothing I haven't got.

On top of this

My boyfriend and I split 3 days ago, he is my only witness that I used my signal. He had to turn it off to turn the hazards on to rush to the scene, and he won't appear on the stand. I was institutionalized after this event, becuase not a single authority asked me if I was ok or needed to go to the hospital, was I OK?

No.

Am I ok?

NO.

I think about killing myself every 10 minutes.

I'm so sorry this happened, I AM SO GOD DAMN SORRY.

This is one HUGE wound that opened up a giant wound to my past that I just can't handle right now. This family doesn't know me, and the daughter is out to slaughter right now because she's grieving and angry. I understand, and I want to hold her and be there for her but I can't.

I am SO GOD DAMN SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 years and about 1 hour and 1/2 ago my 2nd son was born. Terrence Jalen.....A beautiful healthy boy. 117 days he was with me. Then on a cold November night he went to enternal sleep. I never even got the chance to give him a bath (I did the bath for my older son, who was 3 @ the time)I took my time with him for granted. I thought I had his entire life to spend time with him. I mean how much can you do with a 3 month old? I never got to play ball with him or teach him how to ride. We never played hoops together or heard him say ONE word. He did smile a lot and I remember that like it was yesterday. His older brother is now almost 9. T would be 6 today....How big would he be? How smart? Would he be a daddy's boy like his brother? or would he be completely different? It makes me very mad that some people dont take care of or outright hurt and abuse their kids but god doesnt take them away.....I love my kids and he took mine???? WTF!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I did something in a former life that was so bad I deserved to lose my Son, my Father, my Grandmother, and a few close friends in such a short period of time. My secrets are not that many - if you ask me anything I will tell you. But I secretly feel like somehow his death was all my fault because EVERY night when I went to sleep I thought about how hard it was to have 2 kids and how I didnt know how I could do it again the next day - maybe God heard me and took my son away because of it....I think im gonna have some questions when I get to the gate in Heaven. I hope God doesnt take it personal but im gonna be a little pissed. To all people who have kids....TODAY you need to hug them a little longer and tell them you love them DONT WAIT till tomorrow cause your busy....TRUST ME you will have a hard time living with yourself if you dont.

I love you T and I will see you in about 50 years

Love

Daddy

M/33

Some times I wonder if when I said, "I do" if I really meant "I do not want to be alone"...

One day many years ago we were having a family barbeque/reunion of sorts. My cousins and I were entangled in a dogpile, punching each other and laughing our heads off. I was only 7 and a loner child, so all the unaccustomed action went straight to my head. I got carried away and bit my oldest cousin in the stomach. In the melee no one knew who to blame. My younger cousin got blamed and he was yelled at and beat up and essentially banished from the group for the rest of the night. The next day he died.

I can picture it. He was sitting at the table eating cereal. There was a gas main explosion. My mind substitutes what he must have been feeling before that happened, as the night before he cried so hard his face turned red and blotchy. He must have had a tear-hangover and felt really shitty and ashamed. Anyhow, he died in a fire that morning. I don't feel guilty per se, but it was one of the few times when I myself managed to stay on the good side of a group and not get teased or picked on myself. I was pleased with myself at the time, that I had eluded detection. I was scared when my cousin died. I thought it was linked somehow to my lie...

the other day when i was in the kitchen chopping carrots, you walked in and made one of your usual nasty comments. they're so common i dont even remember what you said. but what i cant forget was the overwhelming desire i had at that moment to plunge my cutting knife into your chest. the feeling was so strong. it was like the knife and your flesh were powerful magnets pulling towards each other. you have no idea how close you came to dying.

it's why i ran out of the room. not because you are an ass, but because i was about to commit murder and it scared me.

Most kids have a first memory about a birthday party or Disney World.  Not me.  My first memory is from when I was about 3.  My father was sitting on the can doing his business while looking after me in the bath.

Now that I have young kids of my own, I make a point to never use the facilities in front of them.

Sucking my gut in all day long is my daily exercise routine.

When you died you took a part of me with you.

I think I was meant to be some sort of commander, leader, or warrior of sorts.

I always fantasize while I'm walking the streets of downtown.  I have several movie soundtrack files on my ipod (Matrix, Star Wars, 300, Alexander, etc) that helps transport me to another world.  Depending on which song is playing dictates which bad guys I'm fighting.

For example, I can go from running from and confronting FBI and CIA Agent Smiths .  After a long, ruthless, gun battle, 3 jedi come out (begin Star Wars track), and I bust out with my sword (NOT light saber).  Once I defeat the stupid Jedi, I take command of the 300 men that were waiting behind me and lead them into battle (begin 300 tracks).  No retreat, no surrender, to the death!  I even have a dramatic ending to the fights.  It turns out that all this was to sacrifice myself in order to save everyone else.  So you can imagine how I picture my death in slow motion with everyone in shock, not knowing I had the abilities of Neo, Leonidas, and a Navy SEAL.

This is not really a secret.  The secret is I wish something like 9/11 would happen again, this time in MY city, and this time where the bad guys aren't pussies and actually invade us.  I'm constantly looking up in the sky, looking at the train tracks, parks, etc just WAITING so I can come to the rescue and fight the bad guys with all I have (sadly, my backpack and pen) to the bloody, heroic death to avenge and save others…

Im a 23 year old girl and I wear socks with super mario, pokemon and transformers on them

I guess I never really grew up ;)

The women I've dated/slept with

A  J – We were both underage.  You fucked 2 guys earlier that day.  You told me this, and did I care?  No, I just wanted to bang ANYONE before I was a college boy!  Who likes a virgin college boy?

Connie – I forgot how the hell I met you.  I was 18, you were 29.  You were kinda chunky but it was ok because you gave me good head and took me to underground raves.  I wonder how you and your husband are doing down in texas now.

B**** – Oh my sweet B, you were by far the most boring girl I've ever dated.  I mean I like my girls submissive and all, but damn, couldn't you decide if you liked a movie or not on your own?  You also let me bang you on our first date; you came to my dorm and spent the night.  I started to learn how easy girls really were up to this point.  Two years later we meet up again, and you start telling me about your bf that's in jail while you're riding me in a cheap motel room… yet another pattern…

Adine- you were the only squirter!  I was so amazed.  Here, this 19yo is making this 37yo married woman squirt just by eating her out!  Talk about pride lol.  But you, you're another one that should watch the secrets.  Don't freaking tell me your husband is a county sheriff that's very possessive as we're leaving the motel!

Rachel – I also met you online.  You picked me up, took me to your house, introduced me to your parents as someone you just picked up from the local bar, and took me up stairs and I fucked you like crazy.  That was the best sex I've ever had.  You had the biggest damn breasts I could ask for.  You had a decent body, and an ok face.  But seriously, don't tell me that your dad, who you just introduced me a few hours earlier, and who lived downstairs from you, is a police sergeant.  Talk about a buzz kill after bustin in you.

******l- you freakin nutjob junkie.  Why did I even date you?  Although I'm a much wiser, stronger, intolerable person now because of you, you are fucked in the head.  You accused me of cheating on you when it was you that cheated on me.  Talk about projecting!  Even though you verbally abused me, exploited my naivety and kindness, you were right about one thing… and one thing only.  Yea those times I wasn't answering the phone was because I was at this police guys house boning his daughter upstairs.  The other time was because I was at this sheriffs guys house boning his wife.   A whole year down the drain with you.  I bet I'd be an as good person w/o ever meeting you

White tiger- my god, what was I thinking?  You were like what, 45?  You were so heavy that after you rode me MY hips were so sore from all the weight.  But, you were the first to lick my ass, it was kinda hot, I really liked it.  I can't even remember if you were married.  I think you had a son though, he was 17 I think you said… 2-3 years younger than me.

Natalie – you were a friend of a friend.  I always thought you were cute.  We both were shy with each other.  I forgot how we started flirting, but we ended up talking on the phone every now and then.  You finally came over to my dorm.  We sat next to each other, and I think I said "So what if I did this…?" I kissed her, put my hand on her tit, and the other hand on her thigh.  She said "well that's fine, as long as you don't mind that I do this…" and she unzips and starts jerking me off.   The funniest thing was after pounding you I felt as if you were getting "tighter".  I got up after I came, and realized the condom disappeared!  I was doing you so hard it musta came off, we both freaked out.  Thank goodness she went to the docs the morning after.

Stephanie – I remember b4 we met you told me you sucked the meanest dick.  You told me how your bf almost kicks a whole in the wall cuz you're so damn good.  Man, you weren't kidding!  You were so cute, you thought I was kidding too about how much I love ass.  The second we were alone your pants were on the floor and my face in your ass.  After I was done fucking you I told you to leave.  You seemed upset, but whatever, like you came over to talk about Clinton?  A month later you came right back, and I took you to a place in my school in the music dept.  I proceeded to screw you on the piano chair, and then told you to leave again.  Talk about making music together…

Jenna  -  ah jenna.  I really, really liked you.  You had the nicest, biggest breasts, but NO ass (kinda weird if you seen it).  You were so cute and sexy and smart.  We had the best chats, hung out all the time, We had the greatest sex in my dorm room.  Too bad you didn't like me the way I liked you.  In fact, you were cutting me off, so I beat you to the punch.

Jenn– ha, what can I say, you were the only one that wanted me to cum in you between commercial breaks of 24!    

Wendy-  you were the dirtiest little thing to this day.  We went for dinner, and you took me home and you let me fuck you.  You were the first, and only, person to say "fuck me like the dog that I am daddy".  You let me bust in you.  Recently we got in touch, you asked when I wanna fuck you again cuz your bf isn't cutting it.  I did, you got fatter btw.  You were effin HOT last year!  Your father was a minister?  Reminds of the Simpsons episode with Bart and Lovejoys daughter.

Melissa - toothless wonder.  You had the softest skin ever, it was amazing.  You also had one of the tightest holes ever.  Too bad I can't see you, since you're in another part of the country ?

A**** – dude, I knew you'd put out when we first met.  I had to play the friend role with you though.  You know, your bf and I constantly talked about tag teaming you.  Too bad he dumped you… it woulda been fun to fuck you with him.  Instead, it was just me, you were ok.  You had every reason to be self conscious though

K**** – you're another one that makes me wonder why I screwed you.  You're 34, very chunky, and live in the middle of nowhere.  What part of "I need a breather and water" don't you understand?  You're the stereotypical woman!  Thinking I was trying to get out of screwing you more with statements like that. I WAS THIRSTY!  I was there for the weekend and had no way home, so I didn't even try to!  Oh and next time remember I am awake when you start jerking me off.  My dick doesn't get hard that fast when I'm sleeping, dummy.  Do you know what initiate means?

Suzy- you were another nice one.  I kinda felt bad that I knew I'd run away after I had my way with you.  You really liked me, and I really wanted to bang you.  you were ok in bed, nothing out of the usual. It was nice looking out your skyscraper window while screwing you in the ass, I'll admit.

W***- you really annoyed me.  Don't ever ask a guy if he thinks you're hot.  Of course he's gonna lie cuz we think that gets us points.  And ppl like you help reinforce that perception of assholes like me, especially after the first meet.  I tried so hard not to giggle while you were on the phone with your bf, if he only knew…  I love it though, you're soooo tiny, and you let me dominate you big time.  One of my favorites was bumping into you at a club last year and you took me home and my god, I don't think I pounded someone so deep and hard than I did you that night.  Gotta love drunken sex.

Janet -You, I wonder what ever happened to you after our one night stand.  You were 48 I think.  You were the hottest milf ever.   You were thick, but you had amazing breasts and lips.  Once you had me in bed you couldn't get enough of it.  I wish I stayed in touch with you, you were very nice to me.  I wonder what your daughter in the next room woulda thought of me though.

Suzy2 – I met you becuz I called my other friend, she wasn't there, and we started talking.  Botta bing botta bang, you're telling me your bra size and color nipples 20 minutes into the convo.  I go out and meet you guys, and I'm in bed with you.  I think you faked it though, I wasn't sure why you didn't tell me to stop.  Who the hell can get fingered for almost ½ hour w/o it getting tired, or numb, or sore???  I got tired, and hopped into

Mo 's bed.  I didn't do you either, sadly.  I was kinda afraid to… you were my best friend since KINDERGARDEN!

Angela- You had the biggest, phatest ass on earth.  Not in the good way either.  It was cool though, I'm glad I popped your cherry.  You didn't taste too great though, hence me saying "oh I cant take it any longer, I gotta stick it in!"  Yea that's right, your pussy wasn't so great tasting so I had to get my nose away, so I proceeded to do you.  I wonder if you think of me at all, since I was your first, for both holes

****y – ah yes, the former wackjob.  You're ok looking, but you had one of the best pussies ever.  I remember cuz I just did you again last week.  I love it, I txt saying when can I fuck you, and you say tomorrow and show up ready to get it.

3sum- you fuckers just flat out lied to me, you fatties

Wwjd- you lived like 4 blocks from my dorm.  You were from the philipines and new nothing and wanted to know everything there was about sex.  Boy, talk about exploitation, she was a good lil student…

J** – you were my one true love.  If I could, I would have moved mountains for you, you taught me so much about myself and others.  But you took advantage of me, bitch.  You were 7 years older than me and played me good.  How the hell you gonna tell 2 guys they're both your soul mates (do you tell your husband that?)?  That's just wrong.  You were so freaky though.  Every chance you had you'd take my cock in your mouth.  I remember your scent and think about you almost every day.  I know exactly where you live, but the way you vanished makes me wonder if I should ever bother writing you a letter.  I wonder what would have happened if you completely left your husband for me…

Casey- I don't even know what the hell was wrong with you besides your deformities.  Whats worse, I don't even know whats wrong with me for fucking you.   You were the easiest one of them all.  I came over, talked for about 4 minutes, flirted another 8 minutes, and another 10 minutes later I was out the door, ha!  Nobody believed you too, I convinced everyone you lied.  After all, who the hell would wanna fuck you?

Cass – nevermind, I think you were the easiest one of them all.  I met you online, it turns out you were friends with my dads cousin from childhood!  You guys came 4 hours to pick me up and meet me.  Minutes later you were showing me your tits outside my house.  My mom did not find that funny.  I was a guest at my cousins house for the weekend.  I kinda felt bad fucking you on my lil cousins bed (he was only 6 ? ).  The next night the 4 of us (excluding cousin) got a hotel room.  We had the wildest sex there, too bad we didn't swap, you were right, I liked the other girl more.  

May– you were ok, same ol motel style sex.  

A**** B*** – oh A, I always wondered why I had sex with you.  you were not attractive, you were boring, and you annoyed the hell out of me.  Its no wonder why I kicked you out too when I was done.  I seen you on myspace, your bf is the skinniest, nicest looking guy.  I'll always wonder what you did to trap the poor guy.

Lauren - Oh, NEVERMIND, THIS was the easiest!  You came over, talked for a minute, then took you to my room.  I proceeded to feel your beautiful DD chest and your tiny hips.  You had no care in the world.  Minutes later, I was receiving the best blow job ever!  I hope my parents didn't hear anything.  My favorite part was when I had you leaning over my desk, jeans partially pulled down, and pumping you.  I later did you under the train tracks that night.  And I swear, that one night at the dorms with your friend Katie… I think we woulda had a 3sum if my friends didn't ruin it for me!  I kinda liked you, you were a sweet girl.  You now have a infant with a trailer trash husband.  I guess you really do stick to what you know, I bet your crackwhore mom and drunk dad was proud!

Meg – you were a strange little thing.  You came over, we chatted for a bit.  The convo got very dull and boring to the point where I was gonna make up a late dr appt that night so you could go.  Minutes later, shes giving me a hand job, wtf?  I wonder what was going on in your head…

Super Suzy- you are so stupid.  Why didn't you tell me no?  Although I'm persistent, I'm very respectful.. kinda.  I mean all you had to do was say NO and I woulda stopped.  But nooooo, you drove me to the motel, you went in the motel WITH me, you took your clothes off, and you let me have my dirty way with you.  Thank god it was just one time, you weirdo.  Seriously, just say NO… I heard you were institutionalized months later, kinda makes sense.

I****  - ha, now this was classic.  Everyone is at my place and we're all chilling, drinking a few, watching a movie.  Everyone gets too drunk or tired and leaves.  But you, you remained on my lap, grinding into my hard dick.  I was surprised because this is the first time we hung out, and you're  a traditional type Mexican girl.  So I said screw it, I started fucking her on my couch.  It only lasted about 6 minutes.  I was quick to get her out.  I played the "Drunk" role.  "ooh, ya sorry, I'm wassteddddddd… hey wheres my room at?" she quickly left, and I quickly went back to watch the rest of the movie with my pizza!

Emily – you were the stupidest one of them all by far.  You wanted me to eat you out SOOOO bad.  I said "only if I can give you anal"… and you said ok?  I rammed your exit, and still wouldn't eat you out.  I had no reason not to, I was just being an ass because you were letting me, and you would do anything I said.  When I sobered up the next morning I realized what you looked like and took the first train home and said my brother got into an accident!

Laura – you were the tallest!  6'2, holy crap, talk about feeling inferior.  You wore these dumb bra's… dude listen, we all know I have bigger boobs than your flat chest.  and why the hell did you start telling ppl you were seeing me after we made out once?  You sucked at giving head, I had to freaking CONCENTRATE to cum, wtf?  I'm glad you moved away, it made it easier to stop talking to you.  You'd figure the no call backs or the "I don't think we should date" would clue you in.

Tina - you were so naïve, I loved it.  For crying outloud, you didn't know what doggystyle was?  I'm glad I could enlighten you.  I don't respond to you ever.  You're one of those that only calls/writes to me if you NEED something.  Whats up with that?  

Nikki- you're a work in progress, soon my dear, soon.  I know that belongs to me, considering you tell me it does, and the way you moan on the phone for me when I try to hang up.

Audrey- I felt bad for you.  you blew me so many times, I did you in your car countless times, just to tell you "I'm dating someone".  I know that hurt you.  I really didn't mean to get your hopes high.  You were nice, and I still wish we were friends.  My friend found you on myspace, I saw your pics, you're a cow.  I'm glad I didn't date you!

Ox***- my goodness, who lets me meet you at the bus stop, bring you home to my basement, fuck you for 50 minutes down there, and says "thanks, take care…" ?  You did!  I felt used for the first time.  It was ok, she had nice boobs, and she liked being called a slut ?

A***** *****t – I only was  your friend to get in your pants.  We even dated for a while and my goal was still never accomplished.  It wasn't till after I dumped you, and after a year of being with some psycho that you came back to me.  When I first had sex with you I considered it to be a trophy type event.  After ALL this time, I finally, finally, did you, and nobody else can say it!

*a*** ******* – you had the most ghetto booty for a white girl.  I almost fell for you, even though I, and everyone else knew your mind couldn't handle mine.  I think it was the fact that you had the best ass ever.  I enjoyed waking up in the middle of the night and screwing you.  The truck was fun, you were so drunk you don't remember that I was holding on to the rear-view mirror as leverage while I was bangin you doggy style.  I also enjoyed watching you get dressed in the morning.  Those g-strings under those tight pants were hot!  But, the only thing that sucked was you ONLY shaved your armpits.  Wtf?  You were kinda dumb though, you wanted me to cum in you, and you weren't on BC yet?  You did that a lot when you were wasted and riding me, everytime I said to get off I'm gonna cum, you rode faster and wouldn't get off of me!

****** – I had lots of fun with you.  I wonder if you believed the other stuff I said.  Although I'll always deny it, it was all true, sorry.

Besides all the secrets embedded in this whole thing, the biggest one is I think I am addicted to sex

It makes me uncomfortable to think I came out of my mother's vagina.  Ewww.

When I am in the swimming pool I let most of the air out of my lungs so that I sink to the bottom.  Then, using my finger tips, I pretend that I am a lobster walking across the ocean floor.

My wife goes to church every Sunday with the kids. I struck a deal with her where I only have to go every other Sunday. I guess she figures something is better than nothing.

On the off Sundays when I'm home alone for an hour, I jerk off. My wife doesn't know about that part of the deal.

if all us gays are really going to hell then alls i gotta say is thats its gonna be one hell of a party and verrry well decorated.