I have to admit I was a little disappointed the first time I saw her naked and realized her pubic hair wasn't blonde.

I think I always hold a cup of coffee in my hands at work to hide the fact I am insecure. It gives me something to hold on to and something to do.

I think it's like people who sit in bars with a cigarette in their hands. They do it to look a certain way. It fills an awkward pause when they can take a puff or light another.  

That's me with my coffee. When I have nothing to say, I can take a sip. When the boss asks the group a question, most people sit their looking idle and foolish. Not me, I shift the cup from one hand to the other as if saying, see, I'm am doing something. I am occupied. So I am not as guilty as everyone else for not knowing the answer to your question. It is a prop and I am an actor.

And you thought it was just a cup of coffee.

I think I married my wife just to show everyone I am not gay.

I once masturbated while thinking about various family members just to see if I could.

I could.

It's autumn practically, and I never got to go swimming. Maybe this is good, since my big plan was to drown myself. Maybe next year!

Six years ago today, my morning started with marriage counseling.  When I got to the office, I saw one of the WTC towers burning and then a plane slam into the one beside it.  I'd known it would be a bad day, but damn.

The secret.  I was just about to leave my wife.  The craziness of that day made us try harder.  Didn't work.  Osama, for all the other shit you did, you also wasted my time, you asshole.

I told my boss we have a site license for all the Microsoft products running on the computers here, but we don't. They are all illegally duplicated versions of a single disk. It wasn't a money thing, I just could be bothered to do the paperwork.

Aint nothing worse than a bad peach.  Sometimes they look so perfectly tempting.  Just the right ruddy complexion, firmness, roundness.  

But when you bite into it... yuk.  Mealy, flavorless, all wrong.

You my dear are a bad peach.

After an exhausting round of sex with my girlfriend I traced out a message with my finger on her ass. When she asked I told her I spelled "I love you". I actually spelled "I hate you". There is poetry in there that she couldn't tell the difference.

I once tried to pull a woman I was dating off the porch and dance with her in the the downpour of a summer thunderstorm.  She wouldn't do it.  She said she would get wet.

That signaled the end of my belief in romance.

If I don't catch myself and focus I'll still say, "...seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, tenteen..."

I'm getting a little old for this at 23.

If there were two girls sitting alone at a party, one beautiful girl alone in one room, one ugly fat girl sitting alone in another room, I'd go introduce myself to the ugly fat girl.

I know the pretty girl wouldn't like me anyway, so I'd start out trying for plan B.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is how I lead my entire life. I always choose the path of lowest self esteem.

I have a little bump on my shoulder/neck area... Skin Cancer

I have been coughing for a week now.... lung cancer...I'm sure of it.

My throat and the base of my tongue are sore... Throat cancer I bet

I seem to have intestinal problems..alot... I just know its colon cancer.

Sometimes my chest hurts and it seems to go away when I burp... I wonder how many heart attacks I have had?

Sometimes when walking out of the building after work I have dull pains in my left leg... Its gotta be a blood clot.

I have been drinking, heavily, for about ten years.  And, I absolutely DO NOT have a problem.

Its funny what we can make ourselves believe....

I work in a busy shipping department. Every day I send out a hundred packages worldwide. I've never travelled myself and circumstances prevent it now. I was just tracking a few items to make sure they arrived OK. China, Venezuela, London...

Would you believe it though...I caught myself envying them.

Envying them.

Boxes.

My life...

At night while my husband and I are laying in bed and he is reading, sometimes I'll hold my breath and stay super still so it seems like I'm dead. I'm wanting him to grow concerned and suddenly reach out for me and maybe shake me or yell or gasp or cry...

He has never noticed.

Cheating on the wife?

When my wife goes away for the weekend.... I drink whole milk. To heck with the skim milk all the time.

That's as daring as I get.

I've decided to become a man. Well technically I am a man. But I've decided to become a real man.

For my entire life I've hated sports. Something to do with being picked last in gym class no doubt. But I've hated sports - the games on tv, the entire section in the newspaper, the talk in the office, the grown-up after work baseball games. Hate it all.

But I feel like I've been left out of so many social functions. There is an entire plane of existence where I have never set foot. Guys bond and woman seem to love them for their attraction to sports.

So this Fall I have decided to join in. I am planning out my weekends so I watch whatever football games I can. Probably 2 each on both Saturday and Sunday. A big commitment. About a 16 week crash course in all things football.

Then I will speak knowledgeably on Monday morning about the Hail Mary pass and the bad ref call. I will regurgitate stats.  I will talk about the playoff prospects.  I will be a participant in male bonding.

Look out manly world, here I come!

41 / almost M

My wife always insists the lights be off when we make love. No exceptions. It's lights off or no loving.

She is good looking. She has nothing to be embarrassed about. So I can only conclude one thing.......

When I sit on the john, if I'm not careful, the head of my penis touches the water. This is of course gross.

But part of me smiles when it happens because I figure they design toilets with enough distance between seat and water so the average penis won't get wet.  But mine does, which means I must have a longer penis than most men.

It's the little things in life that make me happy.... well, in the case, it's the bigger things.... :)

I like my dog way more than I like my cat. I should probably never have kids.

When I'm driving, my rule is if the other car has lots of dents, then they have the right of way. Just not worth it to find out first hand how they ended up with so many dents. So please, feel free to go ahead of me.

An hour before I came to your house, I was being held up against my car and kissed by someone else. He has the urgency that you lack.

My father left me his war medals and I've been selling them on ebay.

My plan is to divorce my wife after she is old and flabby, probably mid to late 40s. Then she would be 'deactivated' and could never again do harm to another man. It's like I'm throwing myself on a grenade for you guys.

This is my gift to the world.

I think we should change the name of our planet.  Think about it.

Mars, named after the God of War.

Venus, named after the God of Love.

Jupiter, the God of Gods.

Neptune, Mercury, Saturn, all the planets are named after the God of something.  That's powerful. That has depth and breadth. It says whoa, I am somebody.

Even Pluto, which is no longer even a planet, just a big stinking rock drifting out there, it is even named after a God.

But Earth?  What are we named after?

Well - what is earth?  It is dirt.  We are named after dirt.  Not the God of Dirt mind you.  No, we are named after plain old dirt.

And what is dirt?  Some people don't like to admit this, but dirt is worm poop.  100% Grade A worm poop.

That's where we live, Planet Worm Poop.

What if aliens came for a visit.  They would tell us some tale about being from the Planet Xenion, named after their ancient great leader.  We'll tell them we are from Earth, named after worm poop.

Yep, definitely have to do something about this name.

A few years ago I was muching down a bag of Doritos when I started to get this sharp pain in my chest. It occurred to me it might be the onset of a heart attack. Damn, I thought, I kept meaning to get healthly but never found the time. I never exercised and I ate such crap. Now could this be it?  Could this be my death?

Suddenly frightened, I threw the bag of Doritos in the garbage and walked around my apartment for a couple of minutes with phone in hand ready to dial 911.

Then the pain stopped. I was so glad to be alive. Thank you God.

To further celebrate, I fished the Doritos out of the trash and finished them.

I've faked an orgasm during cyber sex.  Why, I don't know.  I think I'm too much of a people-pleaser.  I know it's a problem.

I hear what people say about having kids. It can be a pain in the ass. And it is expensive. And it interferes with EVERYTHING. And they are loud. And they have dirty bottoms. And they require constant attention. And they are irrational, immature, obnoxious, embarrassing, ecetera.

But they are also something else.

I never thought I'd ever have kids. Not my style. My life was going to be about me - I was going to make up for my sucky childhood.

But one thing led to another and bingo, I've got them.

And you know what?  It has been great.

Yes, kids can be all those bad things. But I have also learned so much from them. I have learned to be tolerant. I have learned to care in a big way. I have learned to cooperate. I have learned to participate in someone else's life. I have learned that vanilla custard baby food tastes good. I have learned that clean clothes don't matter. I have learned that Candy Land makes them smile, so it makes me smile. I have learned not to be so squeamish about what comes out of the human body. I have learned to eat while standing up. I have learned that sleep doesn't matter when a child has 104 degree fever all night. I have learned to laugh with them over nothing. I have learned what channels have kids shows. I have learned that Harold And The Purple Crayon is a great book. I have learned to say I Love You.  I have learned to accept other people's love. Snowball fights. Camping in the living room. Coloring. Chocolate milk. Pillow forts. Dancing to silly songs. Wiffle ball.

In short, I have learned to be happy. Me. That's what I was missing before kids came along.  I had everything - except I wasn't deep down happy.  My kids gave that to me.

Maybe the best example is when we return from a long road trip and the kids are sleeping as we pull into the garage. I must carry this dead weight up two flights of stairs to their bedrooms.  As I unbuckle them from the car seat, they briefly open their eyes and see it is me. The look of trust on their faces touches my core. They see it's me and they close their eyes again knowing I will take care of everything. They wrap their arms around my neck and put their head on my shoulder and fall right back to sleep. They are heavy and awkward and cumbersome - but I have never felt so needed in all my life.  They are trusting me enough to sleep in my arms.  You can't get that feeling anywhere else.

Kids are wonderful. I'm so lucky I fell into this role of father.

My wife let's me stick my hand between her legs while she is sitting there peeing. When she is done I lick off my fingers in front of her. Who knew she could be such a freak? I mean I knew I was weird, but now I have corrupted her too. That is LOVE.

When I was younger, my grandfather used to tell me:

Even a romantic walk on the beach leaves you with sand in your shoes.

I remember thinking he was odd.

Now I think he was brilliant.

A secret for the ambitious:

So many corporate middle managers believe the correct way to get ahead at the company is to manage their people like something you'd see in a TV movie. Carry a Filofax. And a Blackberry. Make sure you have the latest designer tie. Learn to golf. Drive the right type of car. Have organizational meetings each morning. Speak calmly in well thought out and measured sentences.

Well I had my stint as a middle manager. And I completely blew it. I didn't last very long in that role. I forgot to follow all of those rules. I had no Filofax because I thought it was wiser to go out and do what's on the to-do list rather than endlessly writing things down on the to-do list. Never had a cell phone because I'd rather talk to people in person. I thought golf was silly. I drove an old car because I liked it. I hated meetings. What a waste. I'd rather that me and the people I worked with spent the time working and getting things done.

And my biggest break of the rules? Speaking calmly. Foolish me. A spoke passionately. I'd wave my arms a lot gesturing wildly. There were times I'd climb on my desk and shout something out for dramatic effect.

So no, I never lasted as the middleman.

You know what happens to a guy like me?  

I ended up running the entire company.

Don't believe what you read in the management books. It's not about measured sentences. Well it is if you want to remain in the middle. But if you want to lead, if you want to inspire, if you want to create an exciting work environment where everyone is eager to pitch in, show some emotion, show some humility. And mostly show your passion what for what you are doing. Get up on the desk and start shouting already!

If buying condoms isn't comfortable in my 40's, I guess it'll never be. Out of town at a conference I hit it off with a lovely lady. We spend our spare time together,
flirting and soon enough are talking explicitly of sleeping together.
On an errand offsite, I swing by the drug store.

I select a box of trojan lubricated ultra thins, $12.99 + tax. (I never can help dividing that by the number in the box & pondering the cost per use.)  Discreet, discreet. There's no one else in that aisle while I pick it off the shelf. Look for a register with no line so no one's behind me. Hover and wait if necessary.

I drop the box face down on the counter with a $20 beside it. Make it quick & anonymous. No talk, no eye contact.
"Do you have a CVS card?"
"No" I answer too quickly. Dammit, try not to sound uptight.
"Would you like a bag?"
Punkass runt, now you're just trying to mess with me. No, dickweed, I don't need a bag, I'll wear it home. The transaction is completed without further, um... intercourse.

Now I'm safely in my car. I'll never see you again, drugstore boy, and by shielding myself from your gaze I have maintained my anonymity from you. But then I happen to glance down and have to question how anonymous I really was, because I see I'm still wearing the "Hi, my name is" conference name badge.

I cry in my office sometimes when my colleagues go out to lunch and don't invite me.

When my husband and I went on our first date I really wasn't feeling him. So after he took me home we gave each other the obligatory "hug" and I thought that would be the end of it. I was thinking to myself, "Um, I won't be calling you". As I turned around to open my front door he gently took my wrist, turned me around, looked me sincerely in the eye and said, "Please give me a chance".

That did it. I fell in love with him instantly.

Embarrassing...

When I was I college I knew nothing of the ways of the world. I'm not talking that I couldn't find Afghanistan on a map - because I could.  I'm talking about things like bathing everyday, clean clothes, brushing my teeth.  I was not only a stereotypical nerd.  I was a smelly nerd.  Being clean didn't matter to me.  Studying hard did, but not washing up.

In my Junior year, I found myself a girl friend.  I'm not sure how.  She obviously had a bad nose.  But somewhere in me she saw a diamond in the rough. In hindsight I can better see her tactics of how she dealt with the situation.  As part of sex she would have us take a shower together.  At the time I thought it was excellent foreplay. Who knew a shower could be so much fun.  But in looking back, I think she just wanted to clean me up before getting naked with me so she could breath.

(I cringe with embarrassment just thinking about it.)

But the most embarrassing part - aside from her giving me little gifts like a toothbrush and mouthwash - I always sat in the front row of every class because I could never hear the professor.  I needed to be close or all his words were lost on me.  It occurred to me at the time that I might be going deaf.

Then one evening a few months into this relationship, I was hanging out in the girl friend's dorm room when she had me sit down in her chair.  She proceeded to put a Q-Tip in my ear and swab out the ear wax..... tons and tons of ear wax.  This was the blackest, thickest ear wax anyone has ever seen.  It probably took her 10 double ended Q-Tips on each ear before the tip came out with nothing on it.  There was so much goop I could actually peel it off the Q-Tip and roll it into a good size ball.

And like magic, my hearing improved instantly.

To think I use to sit up front in every class because my ears were so clogged.  Grossssssss.

I am so lucky that woman entered into my life when she did and showed me how to behave a little more normally.  

These days I swab my ears every morning and when the slightest trace of yellow comes out, I think of my college days and cringe.

My wife and I haven't had sex in months because she is suffering from this crick in her neck.  Very painful.

Of course, that doesn't stop her from playing tennis and golf with her girlfriends during the day.

But laying down on the bed with her legs spread, that really hurts.  Ouch.

I'm Ukrainian.

I was born in a country called Ukraine.

Just Ukraine.

Which is why I don't understand why people call it "the Ukraine." I looked up 'Ukrainian' on google definitions and I got "the Slavic language spoken in the Ukraine."

WHY?!!!!

Seriously, why.

Having kids was the dumbest thing I ever did. Who spiked the fucking Kool Aid and convinced otherwise rational adults that this is what we are supposed to do? I should have let the trailer trash folks be the breeders. I should have stayed childfree and lived a fabulous and exciting life.

Now I'm off to do more laundry. Yippee for me!!!!!!!!

i have left my husband a few times. i waited until he went to bed then i got in the car with only the clothes on my back and told myself this is it, i'm driving to california and starting over.

everytime i get as far as the hiway. i stop in the gas station and buy myself a large cup of coffee for the road. then i sit in my car. i just sit there, hyponotized by the headlights of all the other cars zooming by.  i picture the drivers as other women also running away.  only they are braver than me. they are not stopping for gas.  they know what they want and are sticking with it.  meanwhile i'm sitting there sipping coffee with tears in my eyes.

my husband is not a bad man. he works hard. i just wanted my life to be more interesting. maybe if he hit me or was mean to me, then it would push me enough to head on down that hiway to the west. but no, he is not a bad man.

after and hour or so i slowly drive home and climb into bed next to him.

i almost got away.

maybe next time.

I despise my wife.  She has become such a controlling menace.  She takes every situation and  twists it and turns it and strangles it to cause maximum distress.  I think this is a game she plays. She wants to see how much she can spoil things and how much she can cause me to be uncomfortable.

Last Wednesday I took the day off because I was having a new job interview over the phone.  They were scheduled to call at 2:00.  But starting early in the morning, my wife began the game. She asked when the interview was.  I told her.  She threw a fit.  She told me that time wouldn't work for her because she had to call her friend then.

What?  Could you call your friend at a different time?

No. She needed to call her friend at 2:00.

All morning she harped on this. She told me I better reschedule.  She told me I should have checked with her first.  She told me she also needed to vacuum then so she had to make a lot of noise.

You have to vacuum at exactly that time??  Wait, I thought you had to call your friend at exactly 2:00?  You going to vacumm together?

Could she be any more obvious in her desire to sabotage this phone call?  But this is what she does.  I think it is some kind of anxiety attack in her.  She worries so much that it won't go well so she instead makes sure it won't go well. She tries to guarantee the bad outcome I guess so she won't have to worry about whether there will be a bad outcome. I'm not sure I said that clearly enough, but she worries so much about the worst case scenario coming true that she forces the worst case so she doesn't have to worry about the uncertainty of it all.

I hate her for this.  I pity her too but I don't want to admit it.  It shows a slight amount of compassion on my part.  I don't want to have compassion for her.  I want to only hate her.

Anyway, a few minutes before the call, my wife takes the phone and locks herself in the bedroom.  She wont come out. She says she needs to call her friend.

I plead with her through the door.

She has me so pent up with anger.  My heart is pounding.  I'm thinking nothing about what I'm going to say to this potential new employer. Instead my head is spinning.  Why is she like this.  Why does she torment me?

At 2:00 the phone rings.  I can hear my wife answer.  I hear her say , 'Just a minute I'll see if I can find him... was he expecting your call because I'm not sure he is home...  oh wait, here he is...."

Then she unlocks the bedroom door and hands me the phone.

God I hate her.  She is damaged.  She is mentally ill.  I hear stories about difficult wives, but I am convinced no man has it as bad as me.

By the way, I didn't get the job.

I have lots of baggage......  I wish they all said Louis Vuitton on them......  They don't.....  The names on them are Mom, Dad, boyfriend, school........

Most women are more attractive than they think they are. Most men are less attractive than they think they are.

few things in life are worse than a wet sock.

really... think about it...