I have a superpower. I am invisible. But only to attractive women. :(

I told my wife to have everyone over for thanksgiving this year.  They all accepted the invite.  we will be 55 total all in my  expensive.... Large  house.  Big suprise  after we eat dinner. I am going to make an announcement that today is my day of thanks. For all the wonderfull years ( 9 ) my wife has giving to me. Then I will tell everyone and pass out an envelope to everyone containing pictures of my wife  giving my best friend a blowjob in the parking lot of the mall last week.P.S  she swallowed  .  Oh yeah... then i will throw her ass out of the house.. and any family members on her side that want to join the bitch. ..  Thank God for  KoDAk.

I am terrified of failure. I don't think I can handle being average.

Just as I got word my bride-to-be was ready to walk down the aisle, I thought I better take a quick pee before I get up on the altar myself.  So I did my thing in this little church bathroom and when I zipped up, some extra pee dripped out of me and ran down my leg.  I was wearing white pants and I could clearly see the wet spots.  So I had to stand in that little bathroom for what was probably an extra 10 minutes while I let it dry.  

But everyone thought I was having a "nervous stomach" problem.  People knocked on the door asking if I needed Pepto Bismal.  Ug, how terribly embarrassing.  The entire church full of people was waiting on me thinking I had diarrhea.  

When I did finally come out to the altar, they all cheered and applauded.    I wanted to shout that my bowels were fine but I peed down my leg is all.  But that really wasn't much of a consolation, so of course I said nothing and just gave them a little wave and a smile.  

To this day, my wife still mentions to people that I have a "nervous stomach".  Oh my God, I'm cursed forever!

I put stickers on my penis and surprised my girlfriend.  She loved it.

When my 11 year old daughter comes home from a birthday party, I ask if she had fun and did she enjoy herself.

My wife asks her who was there and what was the person wearing and what did that person bring as a gift. My wife never is concerned if my daughter had a good time. She is only concerned if the right people were there and if my daughter outdid them in the looks and gifts categories.

It is a very subtle difference, but it causes me not to really like my wife anymore.

I GOOGLE everyone I meet.

Through extensive field research, I have discovered that orgasms cure hiccups.

I always heard about the workaholic dad, spends to much time at the office, not enough with his family. Nobody ever thinks on their deathbed that they wish they'd spend more time at the office, right? The cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, and all that.

I always told myself I'd never be that man. I'd spend lots of time with the kids, and the wife. I'd be the good father.

I guess I've learned a little secret about that workaholic dad recently. He doesn't want to be at work. He wants to be home with his family. It breaks his heart to say goodbye to his kids and disappear to work a 15 hour day. But the alternative is his kids living on the street.

Fuck Harry Chapin anyway. What the hell does a musician know about real life?

I know a couple getting married today. That says so much right there. It is hardly wedding season. He is rushing her into this. They haven't even known each other for a year yet, but he is pressuring her to get married. Why?  Because he is a weirdo, a psycho even. I think he wants to get married before she finds that out and runs away from him.

I want to pull her aside and shake her. I met her parents. I wanted to have a sit down and tell them all I know about this guy.  He was married once before. That time he had known the woman for 8 months. The marriage was falling apart before another 6 months was up.  He is abusive, verbally and physically.  And the mental games he plays.  The stereotype roles that he insists be in place are enough to make me sick, and I wasn't the one marrying him. His dinner must be ready. His clothes must be folded just right. She is never allowed to drive. She cannot work. She cannot go out with friends in the evening unless he is with her.  He never goes out with friends himself because he doesn't have any.  I can't imagine what he is like in the bedroom. Well I can, but that is an ugly secret for another day.

He is just the creepiest weirdest guy on this planet.

And this isn't some foreigner I'm talking about.  This is an All American male, 100% grade A chauvinist fundamental Christian mental case.

His wife-to-be is in her 40s. I think that is why she is going along with this.  I'll bet she is thinking tis better to have been married and divorced than never married at all.  Maybe that is true sometimes, but not in this case.

He is going to knock her up.  I can sense it.  He wants a son.  He will decree starting on the wedding day that she is no longer allowed to use birth control.  She will get pregnant.  By the time the child is born she will have realized her mistake in marrying him.  

And then what?

She will be forever tied to him.  He will not like that after the divorce the courts will give her custody.  He will not like that at all.  That could be a fatal error on her part.  A FATAL ERROR.

I want to grab her today at the church and throw ice water on her and her beautiful dress,  I want to make her see.  But I can't right?  People need to make their own mistakes, as disastrous as they might be.

The husband-to-be by the way - he is my brother.

What the hell is wrong with people from AA.  They are scary.

I met a women recently.  She is part of that cult.  She mentioned it to me like she was trying to convert me to her religion.  I told her it was ok, I don't need AA because I don't drink at all.  Do you know what she said?  Denial is the first stage of everyone's drinking problem.

Of all the damn nerve!  I very politely stressed again that I don't drink, ever.  I explained I don't like the taste.  I explained that I have never consumed alcohol.  She nodded and said nothing while giving that "knowing" look.  What a screw ball.

She then asked if my wife drank.  I said occasionally.  Well, she says, I should attend AA meetings because it would help me better cope with my wife's problem.  What the heck?  My wife has a glass of wine maybe once per week.  What problem?

I think AA is the problem.  These people are scarier than any raging drunk.

I have a very modern day problem. I have had a girlfriend for about 6 months. We have sex everynight. Some of the biggest orgasms I 've ever had. I think this is because me and the girlfriend have no boudaries. We share EVERYTHING. I have told her all my fantasies. She has told me hers. We have masturbated for each other. Nothing has been left unsaid.

But now I think I want to move on. Maybe that's why, because we have said TOO much. I didn't know that was possible to share too many inner thoughts, but I guess it is.

But here's the problem, I don't want to break up with her until I meet her. We have never met in person. All this sex has been online. And I'm thinking we should meet before breaking up. Isn't that odd? Meeting to break up. This cybersex thing is weird.

I read erotic stories on an internet site made specifically for them. They turn me on if they're written well. My secret? I can get almost to a really fantastic orgasm, masturbating all the way until...The fucking typo shows up and I can't get past the stupidity.
Dammit.

If i wanted attention from my husband I would roll myself up like a joint.

I have been sued 14 times. I used to think people were selfish pugs who would do anything to get a buck out of me.  Then my wife pointed out that nobody else has been sued 14 times. She thinks maybe I am the selfish pug.

What does she know?  I think I'll sue her.

If I was in a bank robbery hostage situation and the criminals announced they were going to kill one innocent person to show the police they meant business, I would volunteer. I truly mean it.

My life is for shit. I have never accomplished anything or done a single good thing.  As it currently stands, I am just stealing oxygen until I eventually die anonymously with no one attending my funeral.  So volunteering to save someone else from being shot could be my final moment of glory.  Maybe they would even name a street after me.  Wouldn't that be something.

I did a bad, bad thing.  I am married and I signed up for eHarmony. Technically speaking, my friend signed up. He is divorced and wanted to find new love. So he signed up for 6 months. But after 2 months, he found someone and was going to turn off the account.  So I convinced him to let me play with it instead.

So I reworked his profile and put up a few fake pictures.  Within hours I was having e-mail conversations with women.  How cool. I couldn't strike up conversation like that if I went to the store, but on-line, it was not only easy and flirty, but also abundant. A fun game to play.

I knew I could never meet these women in person, but it was still exciting just to flirt. I even got to talk dirty to a few.  For a married man who wants to stay married, this was perfect.

But then I did a bad, bad thing.

My wife has a friend who is newly divorced.  How does that saying go in Casablanca - "Of all the gin joints in all the world, you had to walk in here...."

Unbelievably, I got an e-mail from my wife's divorced friend.  I knew who she was right away from her photos.  She didn't know it was me because my photos weren't real and I listed myself as being from a different town.

I knew I shouldn't respond to her.  I knew I should block her from being able to contact me.  But it would be like having a chance to steal a peek at your sister-in-law naked and not taking it.  You'd kick yourself for the rest of your life.

So.....

I wrote back.  I made up details about my imaginary self.  I kind of knew all the things she liked, so I knew what to say that would get her interest.

Within a week of our intense e-mails back and forth, she was writing to me telling how she masturbated to my pictures.  And that's not all.  I kept prodding her about her sex life.  I made up crazy stories about me and my "ex wife".  She bought into it.  She told me about bondage scenes she did with her ex husband, a guy I know fairly well. She told me how she once stuck a dildo up his ass.  She told me how they would fuck in the backyard on sunny afternoons. She told me how she peed in his mouth and he peed in hers.

It is amazing what people will share when they think they are anonymous on the internet.  OH MY GOD, he peed in her mouth. What am I supposed to do when she is next over my house?  I think I will faint with sexual excitement.

This seemed like such a deviously fun idea at the outset, but I have to admit, I should have listened to my conscious in the beginning and not responded at all.  I was a happily married man but now I am consumed by these intense sexual thoughts of this woman.

I chose to dance with the Devil and now I can't keep up.

I have an "open marriage".  Meaning I am free to date whoever I want while still coming home to my wife.  It works out okay for me.  I end up screwing around a couple times per year.

My wife on the other hand has never taken advantage of this arrangement - mainly because she doesn't know about it.

I make a mental note and then always put my wife's vibrator back exactly as I found it.

Over the summer, I went to a Starbucks on a Sunday evening.  It was mostly empty.  The moment I stepped inside, I immediately heard a woman say, "There's a guy with brown hair.  And he's tall.  Is that him?"  I glanced over and there were 3 woman sitting together staring at me.  I quickly looked away and walked up to the counter to order a coffee.

I then heard one of the women at that table say, "No, he is just getting coffee.  Must not be him."

This is followed by, "Too bad.  He's cute."  Giggles.  I smile to myself.

While I am waiting for my coffee, I casually look in their direction.  They start commenting on another guy coming in the door.  

"No way, he is short.  It can't be him. His email definitely said he was tall."

"But guys lie about their height all the time. I tell you, that's probably him.  He looks kind of like a penguin."  More giggles.

This goes on for the next 20 minutes where these girls were watching every guy who came in the door and making rude comments about his appearance.

"What a chubster.  You better hope he likes to stay on the bottom."

"Oh he looks like a super nerd.  If you date him I will no longer be your friend."

"Asshole."

"Loser."

"Momma's boy."

"Masturbator."

Giggle, giggle, giggle.

On and on.  Ripping all these guys apart while laughing their heads off.

When I was done with my coffee, I got up and left, completely disgusted at what was happening.  One of the women was here to meet a blind date.  She obviously brought her friends along as some sort of backup plan.  Or maybe so they could all have a good cruel laugh.  How completely rude.

Too me, this is everything that is wrong with women.  They band together like a pack of she-wolves.  Passing judgment on well meaning men who maybe were going out on a limb to meet a stranger.  I felt bad for every guy who came in that door.

And I lost a large amount of respect for women in general.

When I got home.  I turned on my computer and sent an email:  

    You and your friends should all fuck each other.
  
       - The cute one

when a little black kid or a black family come in to my work to see a movie, I try and pack in a little more popcorn into their bag/ tub. If they ask for butter i try and give them a little more than what my manager has taught me to do. I never give anybody any less, I just give them a bit more. My own personal battle against racism.

For a long time I slept with mostly women in bad relationships.  Most of them married.  I would be that great listener they longed for and even cry a little with them.  They were usually safe bets usually disease-free/not risky and definitely not looking for a relationship.

It would usually end in crazy passionate sex...them putting in everything they had held back for so long.  Then just random encounters here and there.  It wasn't unusual for them to tell me to do things they wouldn't let their husbands do.  It was like they were pushing the limits each time.

The day I stopped was the day I found out I had slept with a pretty good friend's wife.  I never got a chance to meet them together as she was always doing something (someone?) else.  We were at a party and he introduced us.  He always talked about her and how they were so in love.  She played right into it the whole night...my friend and I were both uncomfortable...he blamed it on her drinking; I didn't volunteer more information.

That made me stop.

For almost 7 years if you asked me, I would tell you I was happily married.  I would say I loved my wife and things were good.

We hardly ever had sex.  She would go out all the time with her friends sticking me with the kids. She would spend all of our money on frivolous things for herself.

Yet I would tell you I was happy.

But one day it occurred to me.  It was like a bolt of lightning. It was from reading stuff on the internet in chat rooms.  Men complaining about their wives. These guys were unhappy  because they weren't getting any.  Their wives were going out all the time.  And the savings were going to purchases for her, not them.

And I thought gosh, poor guys.  I'm so lucky that isn't happening to me..... hey wait a minute.  I mean the conversation in my head was really that stupid.  I was being trampled by this woman and I somehow thought I was happy.  And it took me reading about other guys before I saw myself in there.

When I tried to talk with her about it, she exploded in rage.  When I tried to get us to see a couples therapist, she exploded in rage some more.  She almost fooled me then too.  I thought I must be doing something wrong when suggesting we try to work this out where we are BOTH enjoying this marriage.  But I kept reading the internet and saw what was happening.  She was trying to work me some more.

So I filed for divorce.  She screamed every nasty name at me.  Other days she would cry and cry.  Still other times she tried to make it up to me in the bedroom.  But it was too late.  I was done.  For 7 years she treated me like crap.  I was so stupid to have gone along with it.

But now I am free of her.  And when people ask and I say I am happy, I actually sense it is real.  I'm no longer being blinded by her.  Can't believe I put up with her for so long though.

I write "xmas" instead of "christmas" on my mother's card because I know it bugs her.