When I was in High School, I once tried to get drunk on Listerine.

when i was about 9, my cousin and i went to the beach for the summer with my grandparents. one night as we were going to sleep, he leaned over from the cot next to me and told me he wanted to have sex. i froze. he said he wanted me to kiss his cock. i think he thought that was what sex was. so, in the dark, with my grandparents in the next room, he offered up his dick to me. he sort of jabbed it towards my face. it hit me below the lips, in the cleft above my chin. he thought i had kissed it, so i let it go at that. i haven't been in touch with him for almost 20 years, but whenever i hear anything about him through the family grapevine, that is what i think about. my mom is telling me he just got divorced, and i'm thinking about the time he hit me in the chin with his cock....

My wifes freshly shaved pussy is more beautiful to me than the finest art in the world.

Whenever I'm alone on the last subway car, I scream at the top of lungs while we are speeding through the dark tunnels.  When in Manahattan do you ever get a chance to scream like that without bringing the police down on you.  So I take full advantage of the subway situtation.

When I was a kid, I peed in the cat's litter box.

The grossest thing I have ever done:

About two years ago I was at work and had to poop. I hate that. I always try to go when I am at home.  But nature called so I did what I had to do.

Worst nightmare come true --- it was messy.  It took many wipes to get back to semi-normal.  But that isn't the gross part yet.

I went back to my desk and to cheer myself up I ate the KitKat I was savoring in my desk drawer.  Just after I was done, I noticed a little smudge of melted chocolate on the knuckle of my pointer finger. A bonus bite.  It's like finding $1 in the street.

So I licked it off.

Took me about 5 seconds to realize my error.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Yep, you guessed it.  I had just licked gooey poop off my finger.

No amount of toothpaste was enough to erase the memory.

I have never mentioned this to a living soul until now!!!

I hurt my neck trying to blow myself and claimed it was a work related accident. Now I'm drawing workers compensation.

Moms across the world:

When your husband is making passionate love to you complete with heavy breathing and sweaty body, and he is about to ejaculate into your golden pussy.... that would be the wrong time to bring up something the kids did today at school.

If you look closely, when a woman pulls down her panties because she is about to pee or is about to have sex or is in a locker room putting on a bathing suit, whatever the reason, when she pulls down her panties she always looks in the crotch to see if she has been leaking. I love that.

~the voyeur

boys are stupid.  throw rocks at them.

I taught my 15 yr old kid a good lesson the other weekend. He'd been spouting a bunch of socialistic crap his teachers at school are pouring down his throat. Up until my wife died 2 years ago, we were home schooling him and his 13 yr old brother – but for the past 2 years I've had to put them in public education.

Thus the older boy was spouting the typical liberal garbage his government lackey teachers have been spouting. You know the drill – the capitalistic system isn't fair to everyone, people need a minimum amount of support from the government, from each according to his ability, to each according to his need. Blah , blah blah.

Anyway I told my son if he worked with me on Saturday, pouring a 10 yard concrete driveway, I'd pay him $100. I told his younger brother he could go play with his friends and go to the movies.

Anyway I had my older kid busting his ass, raking that concrete, screeding, tamping, floating and trowelling. Must have been 95 degrees. By the time it was broomed off, he looked like a whipped puppy.

So I get him home and give him 10 $10 bills. Then I tell him – you have to give $60 to your brother (the one who played and went to the movies).

He started complaining – I turned his shit right back on him – his brother needed the money – it wasn't fair that his brother had less than him – blah blah blah.

I told him when you consider marginal income tax rates, sales tax, property taxes etc etc – keeping $40 out of every $100 you earn was about what he could expect. And I held to my guns – he got $40 and the lazy kid got $60.


Somehow I think the kid's gonna wind up a conservative Republican.

I want to dump this girl I am seeing because she likes to control everything.  I politely explain how her need to be in charge is getting in the way of the relationship.  She corrects me and tells me some other reason in my own life is why I am unhappy.  Like I am angry with my mother.  Oh thanks for clearing that up for me.

She continues to dictate everything we do.  I again ask her to stop.  She tells me my work is making me grumpy.  I tell her that she is making me grumpy.  She tells me I am just having a bad day.  Oh ok.

Over the next few days her Highness is back to ruling my world.  I tell her I am through.  She tells me everything that is wrong with me.  I walk out in mid sentence because why do I need to listen to her crap anymore.

When I am not around the next day, she sends me an email asking what's up.  I remind her that we are no longer together and I would appreciate if she would stop contacting me.  That was 2 days ago. So far I've gotten 5 emails and about a dozen answering machine messages.  She is proving my point.  She needs to be in charge.  I do not have the authority to break up with her.  It is her call, not mine.

Funny though, I am enjoying these last few days.  It is the most control I have had around here since we met.  Isn't that odd, my favorite part of the relationship was the break up.  If I told her, I'm sure she would tell me why I am wrong.

That nice guy who is around when you need him, who fixes your stuff when it breaks, who is a friend when you're lonely, who gives sympathy when work and the world are almost too much to cope with... That nice guy doesn't need some new bobble or trinket as a holiday gift. He has everything he needs, and he already knows you appreciate what he does for you. He really is just a nice guy, and you can just leave it at that.

But if you have such a strong holiday spirit that you really, absolutely, must give him something, you should know that the top item on his wishlist is a blowjob.

You know that game of doctor kids play in kindergarten ...... I'll show you mine if you show me yours. I remember doing it 3 times with the other kids in my class. Two boys and one girl ...... which means I had more sexual contact that year than I have had with my husband in this past year!!!

You know that adage:  Never shop for food at a supermarket when you are hungry...

Well I have a corollary:  If you are hungry, never ever shop at Costco.

What am I going to do 144 granola bars?

I think high school sex education classes should teach everyone how to be better at sex. Learning about diseases is fine and helpful. But it would be so much more useful if both men and women were taught how to be better in the bedroom. The religious right would frown on this idea but when you think about it, learning sexual techniques would save many more marriages and help to preserve the family unit.

And think of what it would do for school attendance!

Those little fiber optic cameras the SWAT teams use to look under doors for bad guys before they burst into a room? I want to know where I can get one. That way I could make sure the coast was clear before I left the bathroom at work.

Nobody must know that I poop!

When my son was 6 years old, he wrote a "book", that's what he called it.  He folded a sheet of paper in half.  On one side he wrote the title in his own phonetics, "Love Hearts".  On the inside he drew a picture of his father and wrote the words:

"Indoors is no good for hearts"

My husband and I read the book and thought it was like poetry or something profound a great scholar would write.  We had no idea....

4 days later my husband died from a heart attack.  He was 42 years old.  The doctors said as much as he wasn't obese, he succumbed to a sedentary lifestyle.  He didn't get out for enough exercise and spent too much time sitting around the house.  

A few months later, after my life started to get back to a somewhat normal routine again, I stumbled upon "Love Hearts".  I was shocked.  No, the "indoors is no good for hearts."  It was as if my son knew what was going to happen.  Not in some evil way, Lord no.  My son is such a gentle soul.  I think he was trying to warn my husband.  I think he was trying to help.

Part of me knows this isn't rational.  But I find myself listening to everything he says.  I assign meaning to all his words.  If he doesn't want to go to a birthday party, I don't push it.  I consider that he might be saving us from a car crash or something.  I know it doesn't make sense.  I know I am still so empty without my husband in my life anymore.  I know I am not thinking as clearly as I should.  But the fact remains that my son wrote those words just before my husband died. I hope I am not going insane. God I miss my husband so much.

My wife tells all my personal details to her friends. She talks about me missing a promotion a work. She told people it was because the big boss didn't like me. She tells people about my weight. She tells people I have no friends. She tells people I never read books. She tells people our kids don't like me. She tells people I have a bad credit rating. She tells people I am a sexual dud in the bedroom.

I know all this because she brags about it when we have a fight. She parades it infront of my face to annoy me. And you know what? It does annoy me. It annoys the hell out of me. For two reasons, first I don't think these things she says are true. And two, she says them to be hurtful. She wants to make me look bad in front of her friends.

But what my wife doesn't understand is in the past two and a half years I have seen her friends... oh let me count it up... exactly zero times.

Everytime there is some dinner where we are invited or a bowling night or a party, I invent a reason why I can't go. Work. Not feeling well. Car won't start. Whatever it takes to make my wife cancel the plans.

She still sees her friends when the women get together, but my wife has missed out on all the couples events over the last few years.

That was a good plan on her part. Say embarrassing things about your husband so he can never again be with these people.

I hope she enjoys sitting at home while these couples are out having fun because this is the way it is going to be for the rest of her life.