My wife always hangs 5 stockings above the fireplace even though it is just me and her and our two young boys.

Leukemia sucks.

I cringe every time my boyfriend tries to pronounce a French word. He is probably the reason the French hate us.

This is so dumb. I am a grown woman but I am still hurt by something from kindergarten. My friend Michelle was over for a playdate. We were sitting around the kitchen table eating cookies with my mother. Life was good.

I turned to Michelle and with a big smile I announced, "My best friend's name starts with the letter M."

Michelle looked back at me and said her best friend's name started with the letter J.

My name is Sarah.

So dumb but I have never forgotten how much that hurt me.

My wife and I have a competition every year at this time to see who receives more Christmas cards.  So far she is winning.  As of today she has gotten 41 from her friends.  I have gotten 12.  

I always make a big deal out of this contest and in the end she always wins..... namely because she has way more friends.  That's sort of my secret point.  It makes her so happy to have so many people thinking of her and sending her cards.  Our game lets her revel and shine in her good fortune.  It fills her with cheer.  I moan and fuss everyday when the mail comes but inside my head I am so happy because she is so happy.  This is love.

It leaves me vaguely depressed to think I could be replaced by a zucchini.

I wish it was okay to spank my employees.

I really wish I could hibernate.  I love sleeping.  I mean, I really, really love it: lying there, not doing anything and not being bored.  It's the best!  The idea of sleeping through an entire season is so appealing to me (I'm not a big fan of winter anyway).  

But no dice. It will never happen.  So now I'm not only bitter that I can't hibernate, but I'm also jealous of bears.

Those jerks.

I wish someone would watch me masterbate.

f/22

So we had a "break through" today at couple's therapy.  You kept shaking you head and agreeing while the therapist told me about the void  in my life that always leads me to cheat. My secret is I already know what that "void" is. It's called my VAGINA you idiot. Try filling it sometime maybe then I'll stop cheating

I stick to a diet as long as I am not hungry. As soon as I want something to eat --- the diet is over. That's usually about an hour.

i used to give a friend blow jobs in his car in front of my apt while my bf and kids were inside

My son was born with a red birth mark on the top of his head. Not a big deal because it was quickly covered up when his hair grew in. But I have always wondered if it was caused by my husband and I having sex the day before my son was born. I picture my husband's penis banging up against the head in the womb and causing this bruise like mark.

I always pull the shades before surfing the interent in case there is a stalker looking in my windows. I can't have him find out I am a pervert too.

Why do these lone crazed gunman walk into a mall or a church and shoot innocent strangers?  There are so many truly bad people they could take out and instead of being called a sad whacko after they are dead, they could be called a hero.

Think of Lori Drew, that woman who harassed a 13 year old girl on Myspace until she killed herself.  Or Martha Stewart who got such a light sentence.  Or Lizzy Grubman who ran over 16 people because she didn't get the parking space she wanted.  Or OJ - gee, do ya think he did it?

There are so many well deserving victims to bring into a murder suicide pact.  Why pick on the innocent people?

Maybe there should be a public service announcement on this to educate all the up and coming crazed gunmen out there.

"I want you in me, now!" What the fuck else was I supposed to think when I read this in your text inbox and it wasn't from me?

I watched someone overdose.
I did all their drugs and took all the money out of their wallet before I went to a pay phone and called 911.
I stood out by the swing set at the apartment building while the ambulance came and took his body.

I once crawled across the floor naked with a hotdog in my mouth for my boyfriends enjoyment. I would do anything for him.

You are in every song I hear.

I carry a small vibrator in my purse.

For Sale:

One penis. 35 years old.  8" long by 2" wide.  Hardly ever used and in mint condition.  Best offer.

When I was little I used to think people chose to be black and that was why my father was always mad at them because they made a bad decision.

Google owns my computer.  I have this vague memory of going to Circuit City and paying for this machine myself, but obviously my memory must be faulty on this point because clearly this is Google's PC.  As such, they saw fit to install the Google Tool Bar.  I never chose to install it.  It just appeared one day.  I think I had downloaded a file compaction tool from CNET and hidden in the bits and bytes was the Google Tool Bar.  Kind of reminded me of something a snake oil salesman would do, sneak your way onto my computer.  Oh wait... sorry... Google's computer.

And then silly me.  I tried to uninstall the Google Tool Bar, but it wouldn't go away.  Obviously a lowly person like me doesn't have the necessary authority to make such decisions.  It would vanish for a moment, but when I rebooted, there it was again.  I posted a message on a Google technical chat board and they said it was all my fault because I used the standard uninstall feature in the Window Operating System.  "Only an idiot would use that."  Oh.   I should have used the special Google supplied uninstall feature which now doesn't work because my prior attempt at uninstalling the Tool Bar actually did uninstall one thing - the Google uninstall program.  Confused.  Yeah, me too.  But that's what I get for messing around with someone else's - namely Google's - computer.

I am so sorry Google for any trouble I have caused on your machine.  I promise to be a good and humble servant in the future oh great and powerful master.  

By the way, I really need to pee now, would it be okay if I used the restroom?

I have "accidentally" looked in on my sister in law while she was in the shower. I apologized and made the excuse that I thought it was my wife in the shower. Total bull because I knew my wife was in the kitchen at that moment.  I jack off to this image sometimes.  Not just because I caught a glimpse of her naked, but because when I did look in and she looked back at me, in the first two seconds she was startled and put her hands up to cover her titties.  But then when she saw it was me, and I said sorry, she dropped her hands and continued to rinse herself off while laughing and saying that she thought my wife was in the kitchen eating breakfast.  SHE DROPPED HER HANDS!  SHE LET ME SEE MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE!  Great jack off material.